Closing the Loop || By Laura Zwisler, LPC
It’s no surprise after the excess of the holidays that we buckle down and set some goals when we get to the new year. Of course we want to get back to something that feels healthier and sustainable, but I’ve started to wonder if setting goals is really the way forward. I propose that instead of goals we need a better feedback loop, we need intention.
The clients in my office who change, really change, always embrace one practice: being honest about what happened, and honest about what needs to be different going forward. In fact, the most powerful explanations for things going awry I hear begin with the words, “I chose.” “I chose to have unprotected sex and that’s how I got pregnant,” or “I chose to bottle up my feelings and not say anything and now I find myself so resentful I’m on the brink of divorce.” Granted, it can take a long time for people to get to the place where they see how their choices led to their outcomes. And, it can take a lot of humility for them to own those choices. When, and if they do, the changes that follow are profound. Owning our choices provides a way forward. In one admission of what we did last time we can also know what we don’t want to do next time.
The power of seeing our actions as a choice isn’t just in closing the feedback loop, though. Sometimes making a choice frees up bandwidth for living with the choice. Finding yourself on the fence about something important? We don’t tend to realize just how much energy it takes to stay perched on that precipice. The choice you need to make might be more clear than you’d like to admit, it’s what follows that you’re avoiding. But owning our outcomes is both empowering for future choice opportunities and for making forward progress. Perhaps you need to do something you really don’t want to do. You can spend energy holding yourself in limbo, or that same energy doing damage control and helping yourself cope with hard realities. At least the latter is moving your life forward. Your destiny belongs to you. Choose it. It will set you free.
So back to you, and your New Year’s Resolutions. Do you really need a goal, or do you need to be honest about what’s happening now? Do you feel crappy because you’ve eaten every cookie offered and skipped the gym for a month straight? Perhaps you don’t need to resolve to work out, perhaps you just need to own your choices and their consequences. “I chose to treat my body like a dumpster for the month of December, that’s why I feel bad.” I hope you’re smiling when you say this because this exercise isn’t about judgment, it’s about getting in touch with reality. Yes, yes I did live a large life at the holidays. Was it worth it once a year? Probably. Do I need to resolve to be better? Maybe not. I already know this isn’t sustainable. My body doesn’t need a big change, it just needs me to go back to normal. Continuing to choose this will continue to yield similar results. When the feedback loop is closed, the problem self-corrects.
Most of the things we want don’t actually need will power- they need intention. Do you intend to spend your monthly contribution to your Trip to Greece Fund at the bar? When we wake up on the first Sunday of January with a headache and less money for Greece we can skip the shame of “failing” at our goal. Instead we could start with the phrase, “I chose to spend Greece money going out last night.” That sobering sentence just might snap us into redirecting our fun budget for the following week back toward Greece.
More importantly though, every moment we feel like our life is off track, like a victim, or even just that Murphy’s Law is always two steps behind us, we come back to ourselves with the words “I chose.” In those two words is all of our agency. With those two words about our past we write our future. May the coming year be everything you set out for it to be.
About the Author: Laura Zwisler is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Lafayette Couples Counseling. She specializes in relational therapy and men’s work. Her practice reflects a deep belief that through corrective relational experiences we can heal traumas, get needs met, and fulfill our greatest potential. In addition to counseling, Laura supervises interns at People House, leads workshops and trainings, and writes about the human experience. If you are interested in working with Laura, please visit: https://www.lafayettecouplescounseling.com/ or email her at: laura@lafayttecouplescounseling.com.
