Dichotomous thinking, a thinking that we must either do this or that or we can only be this or that, forces us to choose between two or more different ends of an assumed spectrum, creating a division that implies superiority for the chosen and inferiority for the rejected. In all of the ways that we adhere to this thinking style, I’m going to focus on emotions and our relationship with them and offer an alternative style of thinking, which is called dialectical thinking.

We often label certain emotions as “bad” and others as “good”, and when we participate in this thinking, we culturally and individually invite shame and distance into our process of “bad” and our “good” emotions get placed on an unfair pedestal. 

When we hit layers of emotions that feel uncomfortable, we run.

We run and run and find distractions along the way to justify our reasons for running and even get culturally rewarded for doing so, and then sometimes we run head first into the desolate, dry lands of stigma and pathology when we haven’t listened to ourselves along the way. “I’m not supposed to feel this way.” “I’ve been working so hard in therapy to be happy, why am I still sad?” “Why am I angry at my partner? They’ve been so kind to me.” “What’s wrong with me?” The more we ask those questions of ourselves, the easier it becomes to think the same of others. We disconnect from our “bad” feeling because it’s terrifying and then we disconnect from others when they experience “bad” because they are too close to the thing we’re terrified of. 

What are we missing when that distance is activated with “bad” emotions? What would it be like to invite the “bad” emotions just as easily as we do with the “good”? What if we created and held space for ourselves to practice that and shared it in community with others? What if we chose not to label certain emotions as “bad” or “good” at all?

Emotions are messengers and they will keep carrying their message to us until we listen to them.

We can try to drown them out with whatever is accessible to us at the time, but we have to feel them to hear them and often they have something important to say. In dialectical thinking, we don’t need to choose one thing. We can be with the entirety. And guess what? We are capable of doing this. It’s the fear of what we think our emotions are telling us before even listening to and understanding them that lies to us and tells us we are not. And the more we understand that our emotions and bodies have a language all their own, the more we’ll be able to speak with them and expand our understanding of ourselves and those around us. 

Where do we start? With vulnerability. With our hearts. With our innate humanness that knows how to feel and listen and trust our deepest and most authentic, whole selves. We are human, first and always.

Resources on Cultivating Compassionate Presence

Meditations:

https://insighttimer.com/padmagordon/guided-meditations/reset-to-presence

https://insighttimer.com/dorakamau/guided-meditations/practicing-presence-2

https://insighttimer.com/meditationoasis/guided-meditations/simply-being-relaxation-and-presence

https://insighttimer.com/brotherlobsang/guided-meditations/queer-practice-trust-the-roots

Grounding Exercises:

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5e5e4a7d1ddf3d2088a1d90e/t/5e87a19dbfbd0c40d74563a4/1585947082450/Self-Regulation+Tools.pdf

Colleen Ladd is an Affordable Counseling Intern at People House. She enjoys reading cheesy thrillers, writing about her life, cooking vegan and vegetarian food, eating vegan and vegetarian food, traveling the world (when there’s not a pandemic), learning/expanding her scope, gazing at the stars, random dance parties, seizing opportunities of joy and weird, practicing presence, standing up with others in the fight for social equity, and making her friends and family laugh. Colleen can be reached at colleenladd@peoplehouse.org or (720) 295-3569.

We often hear about “treating the whole person”, which is an acknowledgement that modern Western medicine and psychology has, in practice, separated human beings in disparate parts and treated those parts as if they exist in a vacuum, unconnected to the rest of the person. Medicine has become the domain of specialists, highly educated in a specific area of health. In many ways, psychology has also become the domain of specialists, and it can be difficult for clients and patients to untangle the different modalities and discover which treatment will best serve their needs.

It seems as if physicians treat the body and counselors treat the mind and emotions.

Spiritual practices also may have contributed to this separation, as they have often placed the person’s spiritual needs above and beyond the physical and the realm of emotional life, imparting the belief that one’s eternal soul is a more important concern than physical needs and health. Spiritual leaders often give up many quotidian needs in the service of their spiritual well being.  However, Abraham Maslow recognized in his hierarchy of needs that one must have their basic physical needs met before being able to pursue spiritual goals.

It seems that science has taken us apart in order to learn about how we work, and that spirit calls out to put us back together.

How do we “put a person back together”, therapeutically? 

Perhaps I have experienced childhood or adult physical or emotional trauma, neglect, or other life experiences that have taught me that life is to be feared and people, in general, not to be trusted. This may have taught me to “live in my head” by avoiding feeling my body and my emotions. It may have caused me to numb my feelings or misuse my body through drug or alcohol abuse, or by eating disorders, angry outbursts, or self harm. This dissociation from the body is also dissociation from my soul and my spirit. I might be living on auto pilot, disregarding physical symptoms or seeing them as unrelated to my thinking mind. I might struggle to articulate what I am feeling.

I may resist feeling at all.

It can be uncomfortable or frightening to allow myself to feel my body or to let myself acknowledge long buried emotions. Sometimes smothered emotions emerge as chronic depression, uncontrolled anger, physical illness, or ongoing anxiety.

Do I say to myself, “I wonder why I am feeling so sad much of the time?” Or “I don’t know where that panic attack came from.” It is as if I am stuck in a level of depression or anxiety and not willing to bring it up into the light and examine it. It could be that looking at is seems just too overwhelming. I might be caught and never be able to free myself from the despair, pain, or anger I am carrying in my body.

But the body and the heart never lie.

My mind can lie to me, because it may be filled with ideas, beliefs, mental habits, opinions, and negative cognitions that come from my family of origin, my culture, physical and emotional trauma, or my religious upbringing. They may not be my truths. By bringing these mental habits, the feelings and emotions I carry in my body, I can free myself from the weight of unexamined fears, memories, and experiences. I can bring my mind into alignment with my body, my soul, and my spirit.

This is true integrity, the integration of my being into living a life that manifests my deepest beliefs, values, and priorities. I am then able to know that my work, my personal relationships, my daily actions are expressing who I truly am as a human being, body, mind, and spirit.

Here is a list of some of my favorite authors on the subject of body, mind and spirit integration:

 Larry Dossey

Carolyn Myss

Rudolph Ballentine

Christian Nothrup

Deepak Chopra

Faye Maguire, MA, LACC, is a People House private practitioner working with youth and adults, using a transpersonal approach to therapy. Counseling is her second career, after being a business owner for nearly 30 years. She enjoys working with people experiencing life transitions, grief and loss, depression, anxiety, trauma, addictions, relationship issues, and figuring out life’s direction, using a holistic approach. Please contact her at 720-331-2454 or at fayemaguire@gmail.com for more information.