Human nature is complex. We yearn for progress, yet we hold onto what we know to be familiar to us.

This is done on both a conscious and subconscious level. This dichotomy is evident in various facets of our lives, including relationships, career aspirations, and personal development. Clients often seek my help because they want to move forward, to evolve, experience new sensations, to break free from stagnation and old patterns. Yet, there is that point in the coaching process when they look at the real possibility of change and they encounter resistance, hesitation, and sometimes even fear.

But why do we resist change, even when we know it’s for the better? One reason is the inherent discomfort that accompanies stepping out of our comfort zones. Change disrupts our routines, challenges our beliefs, shifts our values and forces us to confront aspects of ourselves we may have been avoiding. It requires effort, vulnerability, and a willingness to embrace the unknown.

Something to keep in mind is that within discomfort lies the potential for growth, fulfillment, and profound transformation. Just as a muscle must be stretched to grow stronger, so too must we stretch ourselves emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to reach new heights. Change invites us to expand our perspectives, explore new possibilities, and discover untapped reservoirs of strength within ourselves.

So why do we hold onto patterns or ways of thinking that no longer serve us? 

Well, as I said above, our subconscious and consciousness reinforce our choices. As humans, our minds will hold onto the negative more than we do to the positive. Why do we do this? So that we can be safe.  Having behaviors that do not serve us is common; everyone has something that doesn’t serve them. While these behaviors or patterns may not serve us, we’ve learned to navigate life with them. We know how to survive with it. We might be sitting in total chaos, but it’s chaos we know. It’s chaos that we can control and anticipate (to one degree or another). It’s not healthy, but it might be all we know. Taking out those routines that don’t serve us could lead to a better life, but we don’t know how that will look or feel. For some people, the pain of where we are is easier than the pain of uncertainty. Moving away from it causes an anticipation of pain.

But does this mean that change always has to be painful?

Not necessarily. While growth often involves some level of discomfort, it doesn’t always have to be excruciating. In fact, approaching change with an open mind, a positive attitude, a support system and a willingness to learn can mitigate much of the pain. Cultivating self-compassion, seeking support from others, and celebrating small victories along the way can also make the journey more manageable.

Moreover, the growing pains of change are not happening because of the process itself but rather, it stems from our resistance to it. When we hold too tightly to the past or fear the uncertainty of the future, we create unnecessary suffering for ourselves. Learning to let go of what no longer serves us and embracing the possibilities that lie ahead can alleviate much of this pain.

Ultimately, the paradox of change reminds us that growth is not always easy, but it is undeniably worth it.

It challenges us to confront our fears, overcome obstacles, and become the best versions of ourselves. And while there may be pain along the way, the gains far outweigh the discomfort. So the next time you find yourself resisting change, remember that within the discomfort lies the seeds of transformation, waiting to blossom into something beautiful.

In conclusion, the journey of personal growth is not about avoiding pain but rather embracing it as an integral part of the process. By acknowledging the paradox of change and leaning into the discomfort, we open ourselves up to a world of possibilities and potential. No matter how alone or misunderstood we feel, there is always someone that is there for you. This may be in the form of a friend, a family member, a therapist or a coach. So dare to step outside your comfort zone, reach out to seek support so that you can create the change you’re looking for with as much ease as possible.

About the Author: Rick Garcia (he/him) is the owner of Cannabased Coaching & Wellness. Rick started his career in the healing arts as a licensed massage therapist in 2005. Looking for a shift he transitioned to HIV prevention and has worked in sexual health for 11 years. Realizing the gap in sexual health and sexual fulfillment Rick became a certified sex coach and sexologist so that he could help people explore their ideal sexual self while remaining as safe as possible. His sex coaching services are holistic and combine elements such as talk, somatic exercises, the MEBES model, cannabis and a variety of other modalities. When his wellness center opened he decided to have another arm available for massage therapy. To learn more about Rick’s services please visit www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com or contact him at cannabasedcoachingandwellness@gmail.com.

Change is What Life is All About

The process of change is not always comfortable and, therefore, we often mischaracterize it as having something ‘wrong’ with us. How can we embrace our life with vitality, rather than with a faint heart? By allowing ourselves to continue to evolve and grow through transformation.

A true transformation will change how we see others and ourselves. Transformation is not “self-development,” “self-help” or “self-improvement.” We do not need to be ‘fixed.’ Rather, transformation is the development of natural potential. It results from our search to break new ground, answer deep questions, and explore what is true and meaningful in life. The inner push or life force is ignited in a new way that spurs us on to new achievements. We have a natural inner drive that propels or “pushes” us to continue to grow and develop throughout our lives.

What Helps Us Transform?

How do people manage change? How do they make significant and long-lasting shifts that affect every aspect of their lives? Researchers have identified the significant factors that enable us to manage the constant change that makes up our experience of life. They found we build our resilience to cope with change when we have three elements in our life: rest, connection, and play.

Rest, Connection, and Play

Rest and relaxation are the antidotes to stress. When we are stressed, our bodies release stress hormones, which wreak havoc on our brains and our bodies. When we honor our biology and when we rest and we give ourselves downtime, we are rewarded with the release of the body’s feel-good hormones – serotonin, prolactin, and oxytocin. The research on mindfulness, slowing down and paying attention, is revealing. It improves our focus, our memory, our concentration, our relationships, and our life satisfaction.

Social connection, for all animals, is essential. When we are socially isolated, it corrodes our bodies and we get sick. Being lonely is as much of a risk factor for death as smoking. Social connection, contribution, meaningful social bonding all light up our brains. Have you ever wanted to give up when you were tired and exhausted? It probably was your connection to something bigger than yourself that allowed you to stick with it and eventually change and adapt.

Play activates the frontal part of our brain, the very human part and it stimulates all kinds of pathways for abstract thinking, emotional regulation, problem solving, and strategic thinking. Play makes us comfortable with uncertainty; it makes us take risks and learn from trial and error. Also, play requires that we release fear and submit to the present moment. “Play can be found in art, books, movies, music, comedy, flirting and daydreaming,” writes Dr. Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play. Brown called play a “state of being…purposeless, fun and pleasurable.” For the most part, the focus is on the actual experience, not on accomplishing a goal.

Take time for rest, connection and play in the form of artwork and poetry.

***

Country Roads
invite memories
of gentler times

Aging brings us to
A cross road
what was can no longer be

Birdsong fills the vastness of the sky
trees are greening
my heart sings

Change is in the air
I cling to what I know
and must in time let go

Bright red among the plain
song rising above all
Cardinal – commonly uncommon

I rise with the joy of birdsong
I sing to the warming sun
alive to another day

A variety of feeling
brings awareness
to a vast variety of Being

Bonnie DeHart
Denver, CO
***

Notes & Sources:

1. Play by Stuart Brown, MD
2. What One Skill = An Awesome Life? by Kang, Dr Shimi (Website)
3. Living deeply: the art and science of transformation in everyday life by Marilyn Schlitz, Cassandra Vieten and Tina Amorok
4. Playing By Heart: The Vision and Practice of Belonging by Fred Donaldson
5. The Power of Play by Soka Gakkai International Quarterly, July 2013

About the author: Rev. Catherine Dockery, MA, is a People House minister and a trained facilitator in conscious aging, nonviolent communication and resonant healing of trauma. She has an MA in Public Administration and BA in Communications both from the University of Colorado at Denver. Catherine started The Center for Conscious Aging in 2015 where she conducts workshops, personal coaching and support groups for older adults helping them to understand their developmental changes and transform their lives. She has 10 years of experience in individual and group facilitation and presents on aging topics throughout Colorado. To learn more about Catherine’s services please visit www.centerforconsciousaging.org or email consciousaging1@gmail.com

After posting that blog, I reflected on the pain and difficult emotions that can arise when we find ourselves outside of our comfort zone. Sometimes we push ourselves into a place of the uncomfortable and, other times, we find ourselves there following or in the midst of a situation or event that is undesired and perhaps out of our control. This could be learning of an affair, a divorce, a trauma, a health crisis, loss of a job or a loved one, etc. And for the current situation living through a global pandemic. Whatever it is—and we’ve all experienced at least one event or situation in our lives that created significant discomfort—the emotions that arise when we feel stressed or scared are worth exploring. Emotions can serve as important messengers, if we pay attention to them. It’s hard to slow down in this world—especially so when we feel like we’re in the throes of crisis or dealing with the aftermath of a fire—but by taking a mindful moment to reflect on our emotions and explore what our emotions are trying to tell us, what can be an otherwise uncomfortable experience becomes an opportunity for discoveries, personal growth and even significant transformation. We can’t tell in the beginning what the transformation will be as it is a lived through experience. It is in looking back we can see the path of transformation.

Discovering The Beauty Beneath the Fire

A few weekends ago, my partner and I were up in Pike National Forest near Woodland Park in the Hayman Fire area in Colorado. The Hayman Fire of 2002 burned for more than 30 days and scorched to the ground 138,000 acres, causing $42 million losses in housing costs alone. This is a place that we’ve visited often, both pre and post fire, and as we cruised around on our ATVs I was struck by the devastation as well as the resilient rebounding of nature. The loss of mature old growth trees revealed the unique beauty of the landscape of the forest that had been unexposed before the fire. I was able to witness what I fondly call ‘The Baby Forest’ returning to life with a thriving diversity of plants, flowers, shrubs and trees that could not fully develop when the old forest overshadowed the floor before the Hayman Fire. I could see rocks, cliffs and other amazing features in the overall landscape, which are usually hidden. You can notice them in the photos I took of the area. Also notice the ‘Baby Forest’ filling in the scorched land. When life is going along in an automatic routine in usual fashion, we generally do not notice the underlying features of who we are as unique individuals with a unique history. Sometimes it takes a fire of some sort to bring both new things and the long overshadowed to the surface.

All this got me thinking about how we all experience fires in our lives—whether we started them ourselves or they were lit up by another. When dealing with a forest fire in our own lives, it can be hard to see the forest through the trees or see the fire as an opportunity to experience or grow something different. But, there can be beauty and eventual growth in the wake of any destruction. And, when we feel into our emotions, seeking messages and learning from a painful experience, what we rebuild is oftentimes more fulfilling than what was there before. One thing is for sure, however. When a forest fire sweeps across the landscape of your life causing devastation, something new will happen. Today we are trying to put the forest fire out across the globe. We are and will create something new.

On this note, I asked a forest ranger we met on our ride about the fire and what has occurred in the ecosystem and environment since Hayman Fire. The ranger said that, in a way, the fire was actually good for the area. A balance of flora and fauna was restored. Plants once overshadowed by the looming trees now had a chance to thrive, which was improving the vitality of wildlife, particularly the deer, in the area. We saw an abundance of wildlife on our excursions through the burn area. While initially scary and even devastating, there can be beauty, growth and opportunity to be found beneath or in the wake of any fire—mental, emotional or physical. It can be challenging, but it boils down to a matter of taking the time, however long or short, to sit with the pain compassionately and then seek the wisdom that resides within the experience. Letting yourself recover with a sense of curiosity and knowing a new ‘Baby Forest’ will spring forth within you that holds lessons valuable to your life.

The Beauty of Change 

I invite you to think back on one of the forest fires of your life. You’re in the midst of one now, think back to a previous one—we all usually have a few. Remember, it may have been that you felt you wanted to quit when the pain felt too heavy and hard to bear. And, like many humans before and among you, you may have fought the pain, not realizing that fighting pain just increases the intensity of it. What we resist persists, and that is certainly true of pain. Allow yourself room to experience the present with whatever might show up be it fear, anxiety, anger and even numbness. Today it feels surreal to me. I am curious and impatient like a teenager. 

However, when we recognize that everything is impermanent—the fire you were thinking about eventually went out, right?—including your pain, it becomes more endurable. And, there is strength and security of self to be discovered when we’re in the throes of a fire. Think about where you are today versus where you were when a particularly devastating fire ignited in your life. Do you feel stronger knowing that you got through it? Did you develop increased trust in your ability to navigate a challenging situation, walk through the fire and come out the other side?

The secret to happiness isn’t the absence of pain or thinking you’re skilled in the art of avoiding it. Rather, it’s learning to embrace change and to lean into and accept pain and other emotions as part of your life experience. It’s also about seeing in hindsight that you have proved yourself capable, even if you fell apart some (we all do and that’s totally okay). But, you got where you are today through these experiences and tomorrow you will probably learn something new about yourself and the world. And, by accepting that what you know and experience today will change and then change again tomorrow, you’re able to embark on a path to greater fulfillment—even if it sometimes includes the pain that comes with stepping (or being pushed) out of what you think you know…today.

Embrace Change and Create Something New

It’s human nature to resist change, although it’s the only thing in this world that we can 100 percent count on. What would you like to let go of and change today? How has something devastating, like a forest fire, ended up becoming a gift in your life? How can you tap into the beauty of change and nurture something new? And, if you need a little more inspiration, check out 21 Insightful Quotes On Embracing Change from success.com, with quotes from people like Henry Ford, JFK, Bill Clinton and Lao Tzu.

About the Author: Brenda Bomgardner is in her encore career. One of her greatest joys is seeing people move beyond life’s roadblocks toward a fulfilling and meaningful life. She believes each person has a purpose in life waiting to be realized that evolves over a lifetime. And the path to reaching life’s purpose is as unique as each individual. We all have dreams. Step by step she will walk with you on uncovering how to bring your dreams to fruition.  Brenda is a counselor, coach and clinical supervisor specializing in practicing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy/Training (ACT) which is a cutting edge evidenced-based processes. This means there is scientific research proven to show ACT works. Before becoming a therapist, she completed a successful 17-year career in Human Resources at a Fortune 500 company. On a personal note she loves the great outdoors, ATV riding, adventure travel and family. To learn more about Brenda visit her About Me page.