These things happen on the regular, as predicting life is impossible. And most of time I imagine it is not that hard to go with the flow, and take it in stride. But too many things happening to us that are out of our control all at once, and our bodies and minds will start to buckle under the strain. It can be overwhelming, and too much.

In his book about the causes of depression, Lost Connections, Johann Hari cites a very interesting study done about depression in the UK. This was a study of thousands of people working in the tax service in London. They found that people higher up, i.e., the managers and those with more power and responsibility in their positions, had reduced stress and were many times less likely to develop depression than the people in lower positions who had less control in their work environment. This finding wasn’t correlated to pay, but the power and control people had over their job environment.

Having agency and control is greatly related to having lower rates of depression.

Although I would love to get on a soapbox and talk about how our economy and society impacts our mental health, I don’t have time for it here, nor do you likely have the patience for it as you are living it. But, I will offer some gentle suggestions and reminders of how to take care of ourselves when life feels out of our control, when there are really big stressors piling up that we didn’t choose.

1. Ask yourself if there is a way to be in an action stance. Putting our minds and bodies into an action stance rather than collapse helps our cortisol levels immensely. And this doesn’t even need to be fighting or changing what you can’t. It could include writing a letter to your congressperson, cooking some meals to freeze, blogging, cleaning your house, hiking. These sorts of activities move your body and help you process the emotions.
2. Make sure to take time to digest. I was reminded the other day of how driving with pleasant music gives me space to think. Coloring, going for walks, and cooking can all be activities that facilitate processing feelings and information. Our brains literally need more time and space to process big changes, so give it space to do so.
3. Remember the difference between a state of collapse and rest. Collapse is when you are so overwhelmed or tired that you pick up your phone and scroll, or watch TV. You may feel fine while doing it but after several hours, you feel just as depleted as when you started. Rest is allowing yourself to feel the feelings, let your brain wander, and tune into your body. Rest provides energy. It can be very tempting to look at your phone when feeling overwhelmed, and I’m not saying it’s never healthy, but notice if you are moving into a state of collapse and take a moment to notice the urge to tune out, and see if you can move into a state of rest even if it is more uncomfortable for the short term. There are four things we need to move back into a state of rest: time, movement, body-awareness, and connection… which leads us into the next reminder.
4. The impulse to isolate is a stress response and it can be mighty tempting. Connecting with others does wonders in lowering our stress levels. Not to mention is the best antidote to shame. Remember to tend to your community and ask for help in times of stress, despite how vulnerable it can make you feel. I also recommend reading this short article in The Guardian about combatting learned loneliness. Animals are an amazing stand-in for people too!

Stephanie Boulton, MA, LPCC (she/her), is a therapist in private practice. She specializes in working with clients’ relationships with mind, food, body and others at the intersection of self and society. She works online serving Colorado residents and in-person in Boulder. In her spare time, she loves spending time with her pets, in the garden, reading, writing and crossword puzzles. You can find her at soulterracounseling.com.

If you have ever made a bigger mess out of an already challenging situation, then you might want to explore the powerful paradox of surrender, and how the greatest act of power can sometimes be to let go and flow.

How to Surrender and Let Your Emotions Flow

Despite parts of the last two weeks being fun for me, there were parts that were challenging and rough too. Superficially, I received photos of myself that were so terrible both in quality and the way I looked that I went into a self-loathing tailspin. But because I received the photos right after learning a friend of mine was in hospice, instead of letting my emotions flow, I stuffed them down.

As a result, I lost my equilibrium and instead of flowing with my anxiety and grief, I defaulted into controlling, which did not work and only served to hurt or tick off the people that I love.

It’s my guess that like me, you’ve lost your equilibrium a time or two and haven’t shown up as your best self either. While I know we are only human, it’s still frustrating to be bitch-slapped by the Universe. Especially after “doing the work” and knowing better!

The Interplay of Surrender and Control

I firmly believe we have the power to create and control our own destiny and I also believe in the power of surrender. So, when my friend in hospice shared that she was “surrendering into Jesus” instead of fighting the cancer, I got to wondering if surrender and fight could coexist – and if so, how. Which reminded me of a story:

Years ago, a friend recommended a marriage book about surrendering in your marriage. Introducing the book to me she said, “I HATE the title but don’t worry, surrendering to your husband is not what the book is about.” Yes, I was triggered by the title and the idea of surrendering, but I gave it a chance. The book explained how we have happier relationships when we stop getting all involved in our partner’s business and interfering under the guise of “being helpful.” It explained how “being helpful” was oftentimes insulting to your partner’s intelligence and capability and that we should focus on ourselves instead of worrying about what our partner was doing and trying to control them.

Ouch! But kinda true… and wasn’t that what I was trying to do in life? Getting all involved in business that was not by own and trying to control the way both myself and others thought and felt? Afterall, I could not control the quality or angles of the pictures, nor could I control my friend’s cancer or impending death. But I was behaving as if I could.

Fast-forward to last month when I learned that the title of that same book on surrender that was referred to me years ago was changed from surrendered to empowered. Guess what happened when the title changed? The book hit the New York Times Bestseller list! Even though nothing inside had changed!

How to be Empowered

Which shows that most of us like the idea of being empowered more than we like the idea of being surrendered. Which is when it hit me. The words empowered and surrendered are synonymous with each other. We only think that they are different!

• True surrender isn’t about being weak, giving up, or being overly accommodating. True surrender is about being wise enough to jump in the river that is flowing in the direction you wish to go and allowing yourself to be carried.

• True surrender is about trusting your power to choose the right river, and instead of fighting the river you are in, extricating yourself from rivers flowing the wrong direction and choosing a different river.

A Wise Person Never Fights the Flow of the River

After all, I am only in charge of myself, knowing when to surrender and flow with what is, and when to get out and hop in a different river. I am empowered when I either surrender to the flow and allow myself to get carried in the direction I want to go in, or when I remove myself from the river and jump in a river of my choosing.

Either way it’s power and either way its flow.

What would change if you surrendered to something you have been fighting against for far too long?

An attorney, TedX speaker, and life and leadership coach, Lora Cheadle shows others how to move beyond soothing the symptoms of burnout and recognize and resolve the root cause, which is oftentimes betrayal. Whether that betrayal is from a person, system, changes in one’s body, or the realization that you’ve spent your life in service to a dream that was not your own, Lora show individuals, high performing teams, and groups of leaders how to break free from burnout to create meaning and satisfaction, both personally and professionally, so they can live, express, and create their lives fully before it’s too late. She is the author of the bestselling book, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy and Spiritual Self and is the host of the top-rated podcast, FLAUNT! Find Your Sparkle and Create a Life You Love After Infidelity and Betrayal.

After posting that blog, I reflected on the pain and difficult emotions that can arise when we find ourselves outside of our comfort zone. Sometimes we push ourselves into a place of the uncomfortable and, other times, we find ourselves there following or in the midst of a situation or event that is undesired and perhaps out of our control. This could be learning of an affair, a divorce, a trauma, a health crisis, loss of a job or a loved one, etc. And for the current situation living through a global pandemic. Whatever it is—and we’ve all experienced at least one event or situation in our lives that created significant discomfort—the emotions that arise when we feel stressed or scared are worth exploring. Emotions can serve as important messengers, if we pay attention to them. It’s hard to slow down in this world—especially so when we feel like we’re in the throes of crisis or dealing with the aftermath of a fire—but by taking a mindful moment to reflect on our emotions and explore what our emotions are trying to tell us, what can be an otherwise uncomfortable experience becomes an opportunity for discoveries, personal growth and even significant transformation. We can’t tell in the beginning what the transformation will be as it is a lived through experience. It is in looking back we can see the path of transformation.

Discovering The Beauty Beneath the Fire

A few weekends ago, my partner and I were up in Pike National Forest near Woodland Park in the Hayman Fire area in Colorado. The Hayman Fire of 2002 burned for more than 30 days and scorched to the ground 138,000 acres, causing $42 million losses in housing costs alone. This is a place that we’ve visited often, both pre and post fire, and as we cruised around on our ATVs I was struck by the devastation as well as the resilient rebounding of nature. The loss of mature old growth trees revealed the unique beauty of the landscape of the forest that had been unexposed before the fire. I was able to witness what I fondly call ‘The Baby Forest’ returning to life with a thriving diversity of plants, flowers, shrubs and trees that could not fully develop when the old forest overshadowed the floor before the Hayman Fire. I could see rocks, cliffs and other amazing features in the overall landscape, which are usually hidden. You can notice them in the photos I took of the area. Also notice the ‘Baby Forest’ filling in the scorched land. When life is going along in an automatic routine in usual fashion, we generally do not notice the underlying features of who we are as unique individuals with a unique history. Sometimes it takes a fire of some sort to bring both new things and the long overshadowed to the surface.

All this got me thinking about how we all experience fires in our lives—whether we started them ourselves or they were lit up by another. When dealing with a forest fire in our own lives, it can be hard to see the forest through the trees or see the fire as an opportunity to experience or grow something different. But, there can be beauty and eventual growth in the wake of any destruction. And, when we feel into our emotions, seeking messages and learning from a painful experience, what we rebuild is oftentimes more fulfilling than what was there before. One thing is for sure, however. When a forest fire sweeps across the landscape of your life causing devastation, something new will happen. Today we are trying to put the forest fire out across the globe. We are and will create something new.

On this note, I asked a forest ranger we met on our ride about the fire and what has occurred in the ecosystem and environment since Hayman Fire. The ranger said that, in a way, the fire was actually good for the area. A balance of flora and fauna was restored. Plants once overshadowed by the looming trees now had a chance to thrive, which was improving the vitality of wildlife, particularly the deer, in the area. We saw an abundance of wildlife on our excursions through the burn area. While initially scary and even devastating, there can be beauty, growth and opportunity to be found beneath or in the wake of any fire—mental, emotional or physical. It can be challenging, but it boils down to a matter of taking the time, however long or short, to sit with the pain compassionately and then seek the wisdom that resides within the experience. Letting yourself recover with a sense of curiosity and knowing a new ‘Baby Forest’ will spring forth within you that holds lessons valuable to your life.

The Beauty of Change 

I invite you to think back on one of the forest fires of your life. You’re in the midst of one now, think back to a previous one—we all usually have a few. Remember, it may have been that you felt you wanted to quit when the pain felt too heavy and hard to bear. And, like many humans before and among you, you may have fought the pain, not realizing that fighting pain just increases the intensity of it. What we resist persists, and that is certainly true of pain. Allow yourself room to experience the present with whatever might show up be it fear, anxiety, anger and even numbness. Today it feels surreal to me. I am curious and impatient like a teenager. 

However, when we recognize that everything is impermanent—the fire you were thinking about eventually went out, right?—including your pain, it becomes more endurable. And, there is strength and security of self to be discovered when we’re in the throes of a fire. Think about where you are today versus where you were when a particularly devastating fire ignited in your life. Do you feel stronger knowing that you got through it? Did you develop increased trust in your ability to navigate a challenging situation, walk through the fire and come out the other side?

The secret to happiness isn’t the absence of pain or thinking you’re skilled in the art of avoiding it. Rather, it’s learning to embrace change and to lean into and accept pain and other emotions as part of your life experience. It’s also about seeing in hindsight that you have proved yourself capable, even if you fell apart some (we all do and that’s totally okay). But, you got where you are today through these experiences and tomorrow you will probably learn something new about yourself and the world. And, by accepting that what you know and experience today will change and then change again tomorrow, you’re able to embark on a path to greater fulfillment—even if it sometimes includes the pain that comes with stepping (or being pushed) out of what you think you know…today.

Embrace Change and Create Something New

It’s human nature to resist change, although it’s the only thing in this world that we can 100 percent count on. What would you like to let go of and change today? How has something devastating, like a forest fire, ended up becoming a gift in your life? How can you tap into the beauty of change and nurture something new? And, if you need a little more inspiration, check out 21 Insightful Quotes On Embracing Change from success.com, with quotes from people like Henry Ford, JFK, Bill Clinton and Lao Tzu.

About the Author: Brenda Bomgardner is in her encore career. One of her greatest joys is seeing people move beyond life’s roadblocks toward a fulfilling and meaningful life. She believes each person has a purpose in life waiting to be realized that evolves over a lifetime. And the path to reaching life’s purpose is as unique as each individual. We all have dreams. Step by step she will walk with you on uncovering how to bring your dreams to fruition.  Brenda is a counselor, coach and clinical supervisor specializing in practicing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy/Training (ACT) which is a cutting edge evidenced-based processes. This means there is scientific research proven to show ACT works. Before becoming a therapist, she completed a successful 17-year career in Human Resources at a Fortune 500 company. On a personal note she loves the great outdoors, ATV riding, adventure travel and family. To learn more about Brenda visit her About Me page.