There is immense societal pressure, especially in America, to set resolutions in the New Year to improve our lives with new habits and lifestyle changes. But for most of us, if we’re lucky, our resolutions will only last a few months before our motivation peters out and we find ourselves back at square one.

A deeper longing

However annoying this cycle of started and failed resolutions may be, I believe that this annual burst of motivation to better ourselves reveals our longing, as humans, to live a fulfilling and meaningful life.

This desire to live a meaningful life shows up prominently in many of the clients I work with, but their desire is often blocked, in part, by the way they think about meaning and purpose in their daily lives.

Frequently in session, my clients will sarcastically ask, “What is the meaning of life?” or “What is my purpose?” only to scoff, chuckle, or let out a cheeky smile. These questions are asked so often that they have lost their significance and become rhetorical.

These questions feel so unanswerable, uncertain, and weighty. There’s something about these questions that feels intimidating and narrow – how are we to confine our lives to a singular purpose, task, or vocation? To even think about it feels overwhelming and impossible.

A simple suggestion

I think these ‘big’ questions are still worth asking though. But for these questions to actually have an impact on our day-to-day life, I suggest a simple change of wording, a reframe:

• Rather than asking, “What’s the meaning of life?”, what if we were to ask ourselves, “What is meaningful in my life, right now?”
  
• Rather than asking, “What is my life’s purpose?”, what if we were to ask ourselves, “What moments in my life have felt purposeful?”

Life application

To me, these reworded questions feel different – they feel vibrant and alive with potential, rather than being dead-end questions that lead nowhere and discourage progress.

I think all of us can find something, however small, in our lives right now that feels meaningful. It could be a relationship, a friendship, a hobby, a task at work, a walk in the woods, a morning ritual, a book that enthralls us and grabs our attention.

Moreover, most of us have also experienced moments of purpose. Perhaps it was found in a certain class in school, in an interaction, a conversation, or through an activity that made us feel alive and in the moment.

The point here is that meaning and purpose are all around us – all we have to do is take a moment to pause, reflect, and notice. But, to do so can feel impossible in a world bent on perpetual progress, success, and growth. To pause and reflect feels opposed to progress; yet, it is in these moments of silence that we are able to recenter ourselves and rediscover how we want to live our lives.

A challenge

So, to end this blog, I leave you with a simple challenge:

•  In the coming week, I challenge you to set aside 10-15 minutes, grab a pen and paper, silence your phone, and reflect on these two questions:

o   “What is meaningful in my life, right now?”

o   “What moments in my life have felt purposeful?”

• Write down anything that surfaces or grabs your attention, however small or insignificant it may seem.
• Then at the end of the time, look at the list and see if there are any shared themes or similarities across your entries.
• Think of your entries as guideposts to greater meaning and purpose in your life. We will continue to explore this topic in future posts, so hang on to this sheet.

Future direction of blog

In the coming blog posts, I will continue to expand on the topic of meaning and purpose. I will use each blog to focus on how meaning and purpose can show up in certain areas of our lives; specifically, in our relationship to self, to others, to the world, and to the cosmos.

Until then,

– Kevin

About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at kevin@resilientkindness.com

–Rumi

All is well – Namaste!

Nothing signifies change more than the winter solstice. Since prehistory, the winter solstice has been a significant time of year in most cultures. It marks the symbolic death and rebirth of the Sun.

In our modern world, it marks the end of the year as well as end of the season. We may love to burrow into our homes and wait out the dark and cold months of winter. Thankfully, nature allots a good amount of time for rest and replenishment before a new beginning that comes later in the spring.

In this dark and quiet of December, we might consider taking the time and space to integrate the past year while allowing something new to take hold.

As I age, I have greater appreciation for a natural lifestyle, seeking simpler ways of doing things. When I take time to just be, I create space with all that surrounds me. I feel my part in the whole of things. Consequently, I often find beauty initially hidden from sight.

Change is often perceived as wholly negative, especially as we try to hold onto the past. Change is seen as something to be resisted or battled. To advance a more productive conversation on change, we need strategies to recognize change as a continuous process of life that involves both opportunities and challenges.

For these reasons, let us contemplate letting go of the past before we rush into the new year. Here are some ways to reflect on the past year by purposely bringing past energies to intentional completion, thus allowing something new to take hold and emerge.

How to Bring To Completion

Completion starts with the awareness that nothing more can be done to move something from the past forward. You have to take responsibility for everything around yourself, and decide that completion is necessary.

Completion with others is not saying ‘I am sorry’, it is not apologizing. It is not about being wrong or right. Completion comes out of responsibility, not out of powerlessness. Feeling sorry comes from powerlessness. Instead, we decide to drop the past regardless of its incomplete state.

This action can be taken before doing your vision boards in the next year. First, spend some time at this year’s ending with a ritual of completion. Start the completion with everything with which you are living – your finances, your health, your home, your relationships, your pets, your car, your work. All these are living parts of your life. It’s a very important component of your life.

First thing you need to make a list of all those you want to bring completion and follow these steps:

Step One – Preparation

The first step is that you invoke the person or activity with whom you feel requires your acknowledgement. Make a list of all the people, events, disappointments, failures, near-misses, etc. Invoke each one and journal about them. Fully acknowledge the energies and issues still outstanding.

Do this processing as much as you need to take away the anger, vengeance, misunderstandings, and suppressions you have. Let that come out first. Let yourself be healed. All that anger, vengeance – everything will come out through this initial processing. You can work on it alone or with a supportive facilitator.

Step Two – Practice

Then you will sit in front of a mirror. You will invoke the person/event in the mirror and practice communicating your intention.  Tell them, ‘I am deciding to drop a hurting pattern in my life.’ It could also be that you are dropping any incompletion, misunderstanding, etc. You communicate your intention to drop it and not bring it forward, to not give it life again.

Notice any desire to say “you are wrong, you are right.” It is not apologizing. It is not feeling sorry for the past. Instead you declare, ‘I am dropping this incompletion, left over from the past and I will not allow this to happen anymore.’

Do this until you feel the certainty of your intention.

Step Three – Reach out

Now you reach out to the actual person. Call them, and take full responsibility to drop the past and start with the new space of completion.

When you call, you explain, ‘This is what has been perceived by me. I am not interested in who is right or wrong.’ That will only create more and more anger, hatred and suppressed violence. You say, “I am ready to drop the past incompletion. I am declaring that I am dropping the past and I am complete.’ Your decision and declaration, when it reaches other person, will open the possibility for them to follow your lead and drop the past as well. You may say,

“You are an important person in my life and I don’t want to carry the past.  This, this, this, this …. has happened. Now I am realizing that who is right and who is wrong is not the important thing. I am responsible, so I am deciding to take the responsibility and bring completion.”

Even if that person has done something wrong and they are the reason for the incompletion, I am going to be responsible for the completion. So I am not bothered about ‘you may be the reason’ or not, but I am going to take responsibility for the completion.

Anyone who desires to take charge of their own wellness and would like motivation and inspiration to make wise choices. Imagine a world where you can change with vitality, purpose and self-acceptance.

About the author: Rev. Catherine Dockery, MA, is a People House minister and a trained facilitator in conscious aging, nonviolent communication and resonant healing of trauma. She has an MA in Public Administration and BA in Communications both from the University of Colorado at Denver. Catherine started The Center for Conscious Aging in 2015 where she conducts workshops, personal coaching and support groups for older adults helping them to understand their developmental changes and transform their lives. She has 10 years of experience in individual and group facilitation and presents on aging topics throughout Colorado. To learn more about Catherine’s services please visit www.centerforconsciousaging.org or email consciousaging1@gmail.com

So, are you thinking of what inspires you yet? Perhaps your inspiration comes from a person or a place, a story, or a piece of art. Sometimes memories can inspire us, or our faith, or our community. I have personally always found traveling to be inspiring – new cultures, new languages, new foods and new people. Finding a way to connect with others who come from different backgrounds, cultures, continents, etc., connects us to our shared humanness, and inspires me to maintain an open heart, an open mind, and open eyes. We can find purpose and meaning in human connections, no matter how brief these shared moments of inspiration may be.

If we stay open to the idea that inspiration can be found all around us, we’ll find it; however, we must be open to this possibility and believe it’s there.

I guess that’s the case with most things: if that’s the story you’re going with, then that’s the story that will unfold. If I choose to see the inspiration in even some of my most simple daily interactions, I will stay connected to inspiration, and in turn (hopefully!) stay motivated.

Perhaps one way to help us remain connected to the inspiration that’s all around us, is to be an inspiration for others. When we demonstrate to others empathy and kindness, when we practice gratitude and offer a positive outlook, we give others and ourselves the gift of connectivity, inspiration, and compassion. Inspiring traits pertain to themes of self-confidence and awareness and focus on uplifting and supporting one another. Sometimes it can be difficult to feel confident, but if we take the focus away from the chaos in our minds, and put effort towards being a light for others, our personal narratives will be redirected to reflect our capabilities and dreams, rather than fears and worries.

Inspire others, and in turn inspire yourself.

I encourage you to take some time today, as you move about doing your errands and chores, to identify small moments of inspiration, and to find space for you to practice the art of inspiring others. This doesn’t need to be a grand gesture, but rather consider how you may leave others you encounter today feeling a bit more uplifted and/or appreciated. Consider small acts of kindness others might do for you that help inspire you to be your best self. It may be difficult to identify resolutions or goals for the new year, so it might make more sense to focus on how you want to feel as we move forward, and what impression you wish to leave on others. In doing so, you allow your values to lead – and your values will always take you safely to where you need to go.

Samantha Camerino (she/her) is the owner of Nomad Therapy Services. She uses a “Person in Environment” approach, addressing not just the individual, but also exploring the environmental, societal and historical components that may be impacting self-growth. She has nearly a decade of experience working with persons struggling with an array of challenges such as depression, anxiety, anger, low self-esteem, trauma, et. al. Currently, Samantha conducts sessions in the office or online, and she also encourages ‘walk & talks’ and meeting in outdoor settings. If you are interested in learning more about the Nomad approach, visit her website at www.nomadtherapyservices.com or email her at samantha@nomadtherapyservices.com.

Tune inward. As you are heading for the ice cream in the freeze, reaching for a cigarette, or pouring one more glass of wine, ask yourself, “Is this what I really want, or am I just lonely, or frustrated or bored?” If so, remember how you used to solve that issue before you started reaching for a quick fix.
What inspires and motivates you to change? When we think of willpower, controlling or depriving ourselves usually comes to mind; I won’t or I will. But researchers found that what works best is focusing on what change will do for us, or I want. Make a list or put post-it notes around your house, reminding you of how you will feel after you are free.
Mentally rehearse. Practice engaging your imagination to visualize yourself at that wedding, having a great time with a non-alcoholic drink in your hand. See yourself easily saying, “No thank you,” when you are offered a second serving. Just seeing yourself succeeding in challenging situations like this makes it more likely to happen in real life.
Gain tools to soothe yourself. You do have the power to “Surf the Urge” no matter how unbearable cravings feel. They usually subside within 20 minutes. You CAN bear it. Find ways to distract yourself for a short time. Call a friend, sort some photos, delete a few emails, look at Instagram. My clients love using quick-acting somatic techniques often called Pattern Interrupts or Mood Shifters. Here is a favorite-Three Breaths

Understand that you need new skills, practice, and repetition. You don’t just choose to start living a healthy lifestyle. You need to know how to implement it, plan, and get everything together to make it happen in concrete ways. This always takes some research and planning.
Plan ahead. Meeting friends at the Cheesecake Factory? Look at the menu online and find healthy possibilities that also sound good to you. Meeting friends after work for happy hour? Suggest a place that has non-alcoholic options. Many restaurants and bars now feature interesting possibilities.
Get to know the part of you that doesn’t really want you to change and will sabotage you if you don’t enlist their cooperation. We all have a little child inside us who just wants an ice cream sundae every day or a whole bag of Cheetos and doesn’t care at all how many calories it might have. We also probably have a rebellious teenager inside us that will just resist anything we are told would be good for us. We need to ask them, “what do you really want?” They might let us know that they are just lonely or want to be heard. That is something our conscious, adult part can remedy.
Practice and repeat. Most of our actions are totally habit-driven, we are on autopilot throughout the day. Remember all the things you had to remember to keep track of at the same time when you learned to drive? Think about how you drive now, barely paying attention to what you are doing with your hands or the pedals, yet you arrive safely. It’s so automatic. Both good habits and the ones we want to get rid of developed through endless practice and hundreds of repetitions. How can we think that as soon as we decide to have a new healthy habit, it’s going to be there for us?
Neurons that fire together, wire together. What is already wired together for you? When you walk in the door after work, do you immediately pour yourself a drink? Maybe it happens when you start to cook supper or get the kids into bed. Do you light up with your first coffee in the morning? Start connecting those initial situations with a new behavior. It will eventually “wire together” and become just as much a “no-brainer” as your unwanted habit.

Most of all, have compassion for yourself. Interesting studies show that feeling guilty and shaming ourselves usually does not work. It often leads to what psychologists term the WTH Effect. Have you experienced that sick feeling that you’ve let yourself down by falling off your diet or having a couple of drinks? Then you have probably also told yourself “What the Hell”, I already screwed up so I might as well have another piece of cake or finish the bottle. That is where we get into trouble. It’s not the first piece or drink but what we do next. Just forgive yourself and go right back to your journey.
Ready now? If you were driving to Chicago and took a wrong turn in Nebraska, would you feel the need to come back home and start over? Of course not, you’d get right back on the freeway and keep going. Whatever you are getting free from, there is plenty of support out there. Just keep on going. You can still get there this spring!

Victoria’s own journey with addiction started in her 20’s. For years she searched for help, without much success. Finally, her explorations and specialized trainings brought her to new evidence-based approaches and tools, including powerful somatic techniques, CBT and powerful hypnotic visualizations,

Seven years ago, she created the program, “She’s on the Way Back-Alcohol Recovery for Women” and is now writing “On the Way Back: Regaining Your Life While Empowering Your Alcohol-Dependent Loved One to Recover.”

Victoria Bresee, MAR, CHt, has a Master’s of Religion degree from Iliff School of Theology in Women’s Spirituality, and is a Certified Integrative Addictions Specialist and SMART Recovery Facilitator.