If this is something you experience, know that you’re not alone. You may have tried various things to combat that pesky voice inside your head, like trying to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, beating yourself up for having the brain that you do, or attempting to numb out with various behaviors (drinking, binge eating, self-harm, etc.). But have you tried acceptance?

As the name suggests, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is all about accepting difficult thoughts and feelings as a normal part of the human experience. ACT teaches us that pain is a part of life. Rather than trying to change or avoid uncomfortable emotions or thoughts, we can accept these inner experiences and move forward with living our lives. 

One of the ways to foster acceptance is through a process called cognitive defusion. Don’t worry, it’s not as technical as it sounds! Cognitive defusion (also known simply as “defusion”) is a strategy that helps us look at our thoughts instead of from our thoughts. Instead of allowing our unhelpful thoughts to shape our reality, we can “de-fuse” from them to regain a sense of agency over our lives. 

The storytelling mind

Our minds love to tell stories. These “stories” come in the form of thoughts, and our brains have a lot of those! The amount of thoughts we have can feel overwhelming, especially if those thoughts are negative.

If your brain is frequently feeding you a stream of negative thoughts, you might start to believe that they are actually true. Defusion is a way for us to detach from unhelpful thought patterns in order to see them for what they are: just a bunch of words.

So, how do you practice defusion? Here’s a step-by-step process:

1. Unhook yourself

Sometimes we may feel as if our thoughts have hooked us, reeling us backwards at 100 miles per hour. We can get so swept up in our thoughts that we start believing every little thing they tell us.

Next time you find yourself getting carried away by a torrent of negative thoughts, pause. Notice what’s happening. By pausing and observing, you can “unhook” yourself from unhelpful thought patterns. 

2. Name the thought

Next, name the thought. You can say something like, “I’m having the thought that…” or, “I notice I’m having the thought that…” 

For example, maybe your mind won’t stop sharing stories about how much of a failure you are. After unhooking yourself from those thoughts, notice them by saying silently or out loud, “I’m having the thought that… I’m a failure.”

Do you notice the difference? Naming our thoughts creates some distance so they don’t have as much of an impact.

3. Defuse

Like any skill, defusion takes some practice. Here are some exercises to try to hone your defusion muscle:

• Thank your mind – As mentioned earlier, our minds love to tell us stories. Whenever you notice your mind getting up on its high horse and spewing unhelpful narratives, say, “Thanks, Mind!” It helps to say this sarcastically so that you don’t take your mind’s stories so seriously. 
• Leaves on a stream – Our thoughts come and go just like leaves floating down a stream. Close your eyes and imagine you’re sitting on the bank of a creek. Every time you have an unhelpful thought, put it on a leaf and watch it drift downstream. You’ll learn to watch your thoughts come and go, allowing you to be more flexible with your thinking. If you’re a fan of guided meditation, check out this guided “leaves on a stream” exercise.
• Silly voices – Imagine a cartoon character with a distinct voice saying your thoughts out loud. It’s hard to take your mind seriously when you hear Winne-the-Pooh say, “I’m so ugly!” or Mickey Mouse exclaim, “I’m worthless!” 

Reclaim your power!

The ultimate goal of cognitive defusion is to give your thoughts less power. If you find that your thoughts dictate way too much of your life or your behavior, try practicing defusion. Eventually, you’ll learn that you don’t have to believe every single thought that goes through your head.

Gina Henschen, MA, LPCC is a People House Affordable Counseling Program alumna and a graduate of the University of Colorado Denver’s clinical mental health counseling program. She currently works as a therapist at Road to Growth Counseling in Westminster, CO, where she specializes in working with adolescents and adults who have experienced trauma, depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. Visit roadtogrowthcounseling.com or Psychology Today to connect with her.

Awareness is like the sun. When it shines on things, they are transformed. 

—Thich Nhat Hanh

Like many of us lately, I’ve been engaged in conversation with family, friends and colleagues about racial equality and my own path toward understanding and dismantling my white privilege in a more intentional way. One of my favorite teachers on this journey is my daughter Callan Quiram, MA, and EdD candidate studying Educational Equity. Recently we were exploring the issue of performance allyship which led into a reflection on the need for cultivating awareness of our own internal experience in order to put anti-racist learnings into action. Bringing awareness to our thoughts, feelings, reactions and actions is supported by mindfulness skills. As Jon Kabat-Zinn teaches, learning how to “observe in ourselves the toxicity of certain beliefs, thought patterns and behaviors as they arise in the moment” allows us to do the work to “lessen their hold on us”. How can mindfulness help us lessen the hold racism and privilege have on us? Here are just a few reflections from our conversation:

ML: How do I know if I’ve been engaging in performance allyship?

CQ: In my doctoral program, we’re studying the book by Ibram X. Kendi, How to be an Anti-Racist, and in our group we talked about how there was this piece of it that felt like a check list item. We felt concern that white people might read it and say “Ah yes, I’ve read the book and now I am an anti-racist” without having to take any action. And at the same time my friend shared a post on social media about performative allyship that said that there’s a difference between learning about equity, learning about racism as a system and learning about our place in it as an ally versus using what you learn as an exercise in self-improvement. That spoke to me very clearly about performative allyship. If you find yourself wanting to do something in order to feel better about YOURSELF, that’s the performative piece. So, if you ask yourself why am I doing this work… is it because I feel guilty because I recognize my place in the system and I don’t know what to do about it? In other words, is the process of examining my biases in the work of anti-racism about ME or is it ultimately about understanding people who experience racism? And I think that’s the hard part for me and for us white people because I think it’s actually really, really, really, really hard NOT to make it about us. 

ML: This makes me think of mindfulness, because what you’re saying is that we, white people, need to build our awareness of our internal experience to really engage in this process in an authentic way. In a way that makes actual change and not, as you described, just checking it off the to-do list. Dr. Kendi wrote “Like fighting an addiction, being an antiracist requires persistent self-awareness, constant self-criticism, and regular self-examination.” The kind of awareness he is talking about requires some sort of supportive practice in order to go there. Mindfulness practices help build that muscle of awareness. 

CQ: Yes, you have to have an awareness… you have to be willing to be open to the awareness that you are participating in racism in a certain way. You have to be willing to see and hear people and I think that practice of seeing and hearing others is not something we do in white communities very frequently and it’s something that takes a lot of skill and practice and this is probably where mindfulness practices would help. I think a lot of whiteness is tied up with narcissism because we’re used to being the center of everything. I do have to constantly ask myself in conversations… where is this feeling, this reaction I’m having coming from? I am a white woman of privilege and this privilege is part of who I am so I have to pause and question why I have a reaction and then do something with it. I’m constantly examining my ideas of how things SHOULD be done. Where does that come from? Why do I think that? What can I learn from hearing the other person’s perspective and allowing myself to be open to what they say?

ML: So how have you been learning how to develop this skill of increasing your awareness of your own experience so you CAN hear and see others?

CQ: Great question. My process has been marked by sadness and anger and all of these very difficult feelings like shame. The piece that pushed me to action is that integrity is very important to me… I want to be the person that I say that I am. I have decided that I am someone who isn’t racist so I have to learn what it means to not be racist and I have to DO those things. Right? Like it’s not enough for me to think that I am somebody, I have to BE the person that I think I am and I can only be that person when I take action. 

ML: How do you soothe your sadness, anger and shame in order to have hard conversations with fellow white people? 

CQ: I had an incident with two black students a few years ago who called me on something I did that was racist and I had a panic…because, of course, I did not see myself as capable of being racist. That realization was painful. I wasn’t able to self-soothe in that moment unfortunately but I look back on that experience all the time and I continue to learn from that failure. It helps me stay committed and aware. Now I’m much more careful even though I still have that feeling of “oh my gosh, I don’t know what to do”. But I’ve spent so much time reflecting on what’s important to me that it’s become more natural for me to check myself. I try to pause, notice that I’ve reacted to something, take a deep breath, or many, and then work to hear the other person’s truth, respect what it is, and also bring up that other realities might also be true. I think it’s important to come back to the human connection. Always.

Jon Kabat-Zinn writes that “Mindfulness practice provides an opportunity to walk along the path of your own life with your eyes open, awake instead of half conscious, responding consciously in the world instead of reacting automatically, mindlessly”. Mindfulness practice also fosters an attitude of kindness and compassion for ourselves and our experience which, in turn, generates greater kindness and compassion for others. This is the key to taking authentic action toward dismantling racism in ourselves and our communities. 

Learn more:

Callan is a Colorado native and is currently the Director of Pre-K at Rocky Mountain Prep at charter school within the Denver Public School system. Callan has taught PK, 1st, and 5th grades and has also lived in Washington D.C., and Atlanta, Georgia. Most recently, she worked with Denver Public Schools’ Early Education department as a preschool program coordinator, where she set and implemented vision for PK, coached and supported teachers and school leaders, and organized preschool systems and compliance. Callan is working on her doctorate in Education in Educational Equity at the University of Colorado, Denver campus and is committed to crafting and implementing policies that create equitable access to all students. She lives in Broomfield with her husband Jeremiah and their 2 dogs and 2 cats. 

Michelle is a mother, a partner, a friend, a spiritual seeker, a psychotherapist and someone who strives to cultivate mindfulness and take anti-racist action in her own life every day. She has a BA in Communications and Humanities from the University of Colorado and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling with a concentration in Mindfulness-based Transpersonal Psychology from Naropa University. Michelle’s practice, Soul Care Counseling, offers mindfulness-based practices that support clients seeking to become less anxious, less stressed, less reactive and more grounded, present and connected with their own inner ally. As a result of their work together, clients are able to communicate with themselves and others with greater clarity, care and compassion.  https://soulcaredenver.com/

Mindfulness and mindful meditation. They’re all the rage right now, but what exactly are they and why should we care?  

Mindfulness is another way of referring to awareness.  

Mindfulness is paying attention and being in the present moment and doing it intentionally and without judgment. Mindfulness meditation is a meditation practice that invites awareness of thoughts, emotions, and body sensations.  Do you need to meditate to be mindful? NO. Does a consistent meditation practice help you to become more mindful? YES.  

One of the benefits of both mindfulness and mindful meditation is that we can become more responsive and less reactive. During meditation, we have our point of focus and we notice as thoughts, feelings, sounds, or sensations float in and float out.  We can sit and observe, or we can react. Sometimes meditation can be challenging. We have disturbances and irritations that interrupt our focus. Our meditation practice is a microcosm of our bigger emotional lives. We have daily disturbances and irritations that interrupt our flow. We can learn to respond in more positive and productive ways.

How does what we experience in meditation translate into our waking life?  

Think about when we have an itch on our arm.  We react by immediately scratching. We don’t even think about it.  We just dive in with a scratch to relieve the itching. But what if we didn’t scratch right away? What if we paused for a moment and were curious about what an itch actually feels like?  What are the characteristics of that itch? How much surface area does it take up? Is it a strong or mild sensation? If you had to draw a picture of the sensation, what would it look like? How long does that itch last?  In denying ourselves the scratch for quick relief, does our stomach tighten up? Do we become irritated or anxious? Pausing and being curious about this itching sensation give us choices. We can scratch, or we can wait to scratch. We can see how long the sensation lasts and perhaps ride the wave as the itch lessens in intensity. We can notice how long it takes to disappear. 

Now let’s think about a more challenging situation that could pop up in our life. 

Can you think about a time when you’ve been reactive?  Maybe you are in line at the grocery store and the person in front of you is moving slowly, taking their time, and chatting away with the clerk. You think, “What are they doing? Don’t they know this  unacceptable?” You want to scream “Stop talking and hurry the *$#! up!” That’s being reactive. Instead of screaming (just like immediately scratching that itch), you could try to be curious about what’s going on inside of you. Why are you angry and frustrated? Why are you feeling anxious about this situation? Maybe this is the third time this week that you’ll be late to work, and you might lose your job.  Maybe you have a splitting headache and just want to get home and lay down. Maybe you think holding up the line is disrespectful. What really matters is that this situation is charged for some reason and it’s really bothering you. How are you experiencing this anxiety in your body? Is your throat tightening up? Is your heart rate increasing? Are your palms getting sweaty? When you take some time to examine what’s going on with a situation that’s charged in some way, you can actually slow yourself down.  If you’re running late, is screaming at someone going to get you there any faster? Can you do a quick body scan or breathing exercise instead? Can you look for the absurdity in the moment? Choosing something different is being responsive instead of reactive.  

Pausing and choosing a different response is being mindful.  

In addition to becoming less reactive and more responsive, other benefits of mindfulness and mindful meditation are reduced stress, improved emotion regulation, increased focus, and increased empathy.  Practicing mindfulness meditation can lower blood pressure, decrease anxiety levels, and help promote clarity in thinking and perception. 

 Why should you care about mindfulness?  Why wouldn’t you? Simply put, mindfulness and mindful meditation help to support, enhance, and strengthen our physical and mental health and can assist us in living happier, healthier, and more fulfilled lives.

—

Kathy Hawkins, MA, LPC, LAC, ACS  is a mindfulness based transpersonal psychotherapist. Kathy believes that we can’t undo our past or know what the future holds, but we can come to a better place in accepting where we are right now. Everyone experiences challenges in their lives and sometimes we just need someone that we can trust to listen, be present, and help guide us in overcoming these challenges. Cultivating awareness is the foundation for any type of growth and change. Coming to peace with the present moment enables people to accept the uncertainties in life. People are their own experts and Kathy works with her clients to empower them to better understand their lives and transform and heal from the challenges they have encountered. Kathy uses a variety of different approaches to help with trauma, depression, anxiety, grief, stress reduction, anger management, life transitions, and personal and spiritual growth. 

www.kathyhawkinscounseling.com