If you have ever made a bigger mess out of an already challenging situation, then you might want to explore the powerful paradox of surrender, and how the greatest act of power can sometimes be to let go and flow.

How to Surrender and Let Your Emotions Flow

Despite parts of the last two weeks being fun for me, there were parts that were challenging and rough too. Superficially, I received photos of myself that were so terrible both in quality and the way I looked that I went into a self-loathing tailspin. But because I received the photos right after learning a friend of mine was in hospice, instead of letting my emotions flow, I stuffed them down.

As a result, I lost my equilibrium and instead of flowing with my anxiety and grief, I defaulted into controlling, which did not work and only served to hurt or tick off the people that I love.

It’s my guess that like me, you’ve lost your equilibrium a time or two and haven’t shown up as your best self either. While I know we are only human, it’s still frustrating to be bitch-slapped by the Universe. Especially after “doing the work” and knowing better!

The Interplay of Surrender and Control

I firmly believe we have the power to create and control our own destiny and I also believe in the power of surrender. So, when my friend in hospice shared that she was “surrendering into Jesus” instead of fighting the cancer, I got to wondering if surrender and fight could coexist – and if so, how. Which reminded me of a story:

Years ago, a friend recommended a marriage book about surrendering in your marriage. Introducing the book to me she said, “I HATE the title but don’t worry, surrendering to your husband is not what the book is about.” Yes, I was triggered by the title and the idea of surrendering, but I gave it a chance. The book explained how we have happier relationships when we stop getting all involved in our partner’s business and interfering under the guise of “being helpful.” It explained how “being helpful” was oftentimes insulting to your partner’s intelligence and capability and that we should focus on ourselves instead of worrying about what our partner was doing and trying to control them.

Ouch! But kinda true… and wasn’t that what I was trying to do in life? Getting all involved in business that was not by own and trying to control the way both myself and others thought and felt? Afterall, I could not control the quality or angles of the pictures, nor could I control my friend’s cancer or impending death. But I was behaving as if I could.

Fast-forward to last month when I learned that the title of that same book on surrender that was referred to me years ago was changed from surrendered to empowered. Guess what happened when the title changed? The book hit the New York Times Bestseller list! Even though nothing inside had changed!

How to be Empowered

Which shows that most of us like the idea of being empowered more than we like the idea of being surrendered. Which is when it hit me. The words empowered and surrendered are synonymous with each other. We only think that they are different!

• True surrender isn’t about being weak, giving up, or being overly accommodating. True surrender is about being wise enough to jump in the river that is flowing in the direction you wish to go and allowing yourself to be carried.

• True surrender is about trusting your power to choose the right river, and instead of fighting the river you are in, extricating yourself from rivers flowing the wrong direction and choosing a different river.

A Wise Person Never Fights the Flow of the River

After all, I am only in charge of myself, knowing when to surrender and flow with what is, and when to get out and hop in a different river. I am empowered when I either surrender to the flow and allow myself to get carried in the direction I want to go in, or when I remove myself from the river and jump in a river of my choosing.

Either way it’s power and either way its flow.

What would change if you surrendered to something you have been fighting against for far too long?

An attorney, TedX speaker, and life and leadership coach, Lora Cheadle shows others how to move beyond soothing the symptoms of burnout and recognize and resolve the root cause, which is oftentimes betrayal. Whether that betrayal is from a person, system, changes in one’s body, or the realization that you’ve spent your life in service to a dream that was not your own, Lora show individuals, high performing teams, and groups of leaders how to break free from burnout to create meaning and satisfaction, both personally and professionally, so they can live, express, and create their lives fully before it’s too late. She is the author of the bestselling book, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy and Spiritual Self and is the host of the top-rated podcast, FLAUNT! Find Your Sparkle and Create a Life You Love After Infidelity and Betrayal.

As December moves along, I find myself imagining the New Year. I start anticipating the changes ahead. I wonder about how things will evolve for myself and for those I know and care about. What direction will the conversation head? What shape will the world take? How will we each arrive into whatever is to be?  

I also of course reflect on the year that has now gone by. I think of the moments that stand out. The decisions that were asked of us as individuals, and as a group. What accomplishments can we stand behind? What lessons did we learn as we grew into who it seems we were always becoming… 

I appreciate the reminder to rest and to acknowledge how much each year asks of us.

I know I personally need to slow down and bask in a comfy blanket and a warm cup of tea. What better time to go inward and to contemplate than in that liminal space where one year seems to have ended but the other has not yet begun…   

Slowing down also has the byproduct of making it clear that aspects of this time of year are always hard for me. The strangeness of the phrase “See you next year!” sits with me after I say it. Where did that time go? How quickly things pass when they are in our memory… For me this brings up angst. I start to think about how we only get so many trips around the sun before our time is up. I worry I’m missing the moment, and then, I end up missing the moment because of how worried I was that I would. 

I am also a bit more teary in the winter. For me, my malaise is quite cyclical. Typically I’m okay during the day, it’s at the bookends of winter nights that I struggle. Sleep comes with more tosses and turns, and mornings seem drudgier. I can be quite the grump. In that state, self-care is more difficult to commit to, and comfort food, lets just be honest, sounds way better.

I am much kinder to myself than I used to be. Really I owe much of that change to those who have held space for me. Thank god for love and friendship and therapy! And yet it’s still hard to share pain. When I do, my shame pops right up. Who are you to complain? Why don’t you do something about it then? Do you know how much worse other people have it? What’s wrong with you? Why would you burden other people with this? And on and on that voice can go.  

To name the shame here helps me to interrupt it. I want to give myself permission to take the holiday season in stride. To let all of my emotions be there, without judging them, or myself for having them. It’s okay to have my mixed feelings. Sometimes my joy will be front and center and I’ll be singing (way out of key) and laughing about something silly. At other times my anxiety might make a go for the ol’ rabbit hole. Or perhaps I’ll find myself hanging out with some sadness for the afternoon.

Whatever emotion is there I am grateful to know that there are those to share it with. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for staying connected as we begin again. Happy (and other feelings too) New Year. 

About Elan

I provide therapy for individuals and couples. My approach as a counselor has elements of existentialism, humanism, and transpersonal psychology – though more than anything, I’m committed to helping people discover their authenticity and develop as human beings, in whatever way feels most organic.

elan@elanbenami.com; 720-722-0565

This is both bad news and good news. Bad news because in a way we are not totally in control of how we are able to connect with others. Our nervous systems can override when we feel safe in relationship and how to connect with others. It can send very strong signals that we need to get out, even when it might be safe. It can show up in ways that may sabotage our best efforts at creating secure relationships. 

But good news, in that does not mean that we are stuck. We can learn how to become aware and work with these patterns. We can learn to predict what we need in relationship to feel safe and what our partners need in order to feel safe. We can learn what a secure functioning relationship looks like and consciously create it. 

When I start to bring patterns to light for clients, the first question always is, but what do I do? How do I change? 

And although there are skills that we can learn to create a new way of relating, there is a very important part that is very foundational to change that might even feel counter intuitive at times.

Self-compassion.

Self-compassion is the ability to feel our present suffering and meet it with attunement, presence and understanding. It asks us to look inward, listen to ourselves and provide ourselves what we need. 

Self-compassion is being able to look at ourselves and our suffering with understanding and acceptance. Self-compassion is the opposite of trying to change our emotional state, it is allowing for that state to be what it is, especially given the history that we have. 

We all have ways that we act automatically in response to different situations. I, for instance, often go into a freeze response when encounter aggression, especially in a public place. To others this looks like I don’t care, as I often lose my ability to respond directly, and just stare with a blank face. 

I have worked with this response in many different ways and have learned in many instances to respond differently. However, this response still shows up from time to time. Oftentimes after the incident has passed. I feel waves of anger.  I play different scenarios in my head where I responded to the aggression instead of freezing. I also feel anger directed at myself for responding in such an ineffective way.

In these moments, it takes a lot of awareness and effort to stop that cycle of self-criticism. When I can turn to my experience and see it as a natural response and my feelings as valid and understandable, my frustration lessens. 

Self-compassion allows me to see my responses for what they are and not feed into my own self-directed anger. I can see my history of when I encountered scary situations and remind myself that a freeze response is a natural reaction of our nervous system to threat. It kept me safe in many situations in the past and in my family environment. Given who I am and my history, this response makes sense. I have to remind myself that my feelings are genuine, my suffering is real and provide myself some forgiveness for my body doing exactly what it was designed to do…. Keep me safe. Talking to myself the way a good friend would allows me to soften my response and provide myself what I need; comfort.

Having compassion for yourself is not self-pity, nor is this is self-indulgent. Directing anger or criticism at oneself is just inflicting more suffering on the situation. Just like you can’t make a scared cat eat food by yelling at it. You need to have patience and softness and gentleness so that it knows that you are safe and it will come when it is ready. We need to treat ourselves and our wounds the same way.

This is not a new idea; most psychotherapies and religions see self-acceptance and self-love as a necessary part of healing.  “We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate it oppresses.”- Carl Jung

Self-compassion is a practice that must be cultivated repeatedly because culture thrives on using shame to promote social conformity and cohesion. As a result, we turn that shame inwards into self-criticism, internal oppression and addictions.

Our western society buys into the myth that somehow as humans we are able to bypass our biology and be the masters of our own mind and universe. However, this is only a myth. Our bodies, and our minds, are still the product of evolution and as mammals our survival hinges our social cohesion. We are wired in ways beyond our logical minds to survive. We must learn to accept ourselves as flawed, confusing and geared for connection and safety. Self-compassion can be a powerful tool along the way.

For more resources on self-compassion and how to apply it in your life visit self-compassion.org. This website is based on Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion and has resources, links to her book and self-compassion meditations.

Stephanie Boulton, MA LPCC (she/her/hers) is a counselor in private practice. She works online, at People House Denver and at her office in Broomfield. She draws from attachment theory, body-based and experiential therapies, as well as ecological and feminist approaches to healing. She specializes in body image, disordered eating, PTSD and LGBTQ+ affirming counseling. Her website is soulterracounseling.com or you can email her at steph@soulterracounseling.com.

Of not knowing what to do. Our society avoids the bad feelings, and in turn we spend a whole lot of time and energy trying to escape what it is to be human.

I am so tired of seeing directives wherever I go. “Be kind”, “Live, Laugh, Love”, “Seize the day”, “Smile”, “Get lost”.  I am also tired of seeing self help books, self help podcasts, and magazine covers with 10 ways to be happy or lose weight or get active.

Sometimes I just long to see some wall art calligraphy that says “don’t listen to me, just do your thing, you’ll figure it out, I’m just as lost as you”. Because that would be more honest. It would be authentic enough to say, “none of us have got this, I’m just as confused as you”.

We are terrified of feeling bad.

And we are terrified of not knowing what to do. So, when anxiety does arise, we are scared of the anxiety itself. (the same goes for grief, sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion, despair).

I have internalized this societal belief in a particular way. Anxiety is a familiar feeling to me; I’ve inherited it from society and my family.  When I feel my anxiety rising or when I feel uncertain about the future, I have a compulsion to consult my tarot deck. I pull cards and really hope I’m going to get one that tells me I’m moving in the right direction, that it’s going to be great and that I’m not going to starve in a pit of hungry animals. And when I don’t get a reassuring answer, I pull more cards.

This ritual doesn’t actually calm me down at all. It just gives more for my anxious brain to think about. Because anxiety is telling me to find something to give it more energy… to find out what’s wrong and fix it now!

Anxiety is a tornado that scoops up everything in its path to make it stronger. So, seeing all these directives, lists of how-tos and self-help books doesn’t make it better.  They feed the anxiety, they provide the anxiety with fuel to keep going… Anxiety starts screaming at me “Something’s wrong, and you need to figure it out, and this can give you something to work on, it might have the answer, and then do it, if you do it fast enough you’ll have it figured out and maybe you won’t be feeling this feeling anymore.”

Anxiety is like a fire, and all those directives are like pine trees in a drought; they just feed it.

Sometimes I am able to recognize the anxiety for what it is. That it is a fire burning in my belly (or my head) and that I need to give it space, that I need to find a way to put it out. I need to clear the area so that more trees don’t get sucked into it further.

Sometimes I give it water. There are times when I can take a bath, and breathe and say to myself, “I’m feeling anxious and that’s ok, I will just take a bath to give the anxiety a chance to burn down a bit”. Or sometimes I remove all fuel from the vicinity… fuel includes reading the news, tarot cards, self-help books, blogs. Or go for a walk with my dog and say to myself, “nothing needs to be done right now, it’s ok, and I’m going to do my best to not make decisions while I take this walk”.

I know I’m a hypocrite, that this blog post sounds a lot like advice giving… and, yes, it is…. And I am. So here is my soapbox rant in short. I’m suggesting that avoiding what is uncomfortable can make it worse, and we have to sift through a lot of “happy advertising” telling us what to do instead.  I am expressing a plea to free our society from the subtle oppression of self-help and subtle directives in order to give us the freedom to live our own struggles and find peace within ourselves without the constant bombardment of being to told what will make it better. 

Stephanie Boulton, MA LPCC (she/her/hers) is a counselor in private practice and is part of the People House Community. She also volunteers with Out Boulder County, co-facilitating a support group for Friends and Family of Transgender/Gender Non-Conforming People. Stephanie has a background working with a diversity of people in outdoor settings and draws from attachment theory, body-based and experiential therapies, as well as ecological and feminist approaches. Stephanie’s website can be found at www.soulterracounseling.com or you can email her at steph@soulterracounseling.com.

Awareness is like the sun. When it shines on things, they are transformed. 

—Thich Nhat Hanh

Like many of us lately, I’ve been engaged in conversation with family, friends and colleagues about racial equality and my own path toward understanding and dismantling my white privilege in a more intentional way. One of my favorite teachers on this journey is my daughter Callan Quiram, MA, and EdD candidate studying Educational Equity. Recently we were exploring the issue of performance allyship which led into a reflection on the need for cultivating awareness of our own internal experience in order to put anti-racist learnings into action. Bringing awareness to our thoughts, feelings, reactions and actions is supported by mindfulness skills. As Jon Kabat-Zinn teaches, learning how to “observe in ourselves the toxicity of certain beliefs, thought patterns and behaviors as they arise in the moment” allows us to do the work to “lessen their hold on us”. How can mindfulness help us lessen the hold racism and privilege have on us? Here are just a few reflections from our conversation:

ML: How do I know if I’ve been engaging in performance allyship?

CQ: In my doctoral program, we’re studying the book by Ibram X. Kendi, How to be an Anti-Racist, and in our group we talked about how there was this piece of it that felt like a check list item. We felt concern that white people might read it and say “Ah yes, I’ve read the book and now I am an anti-racist” without having to take any action. And at the same time my friend shared a post on social media about performative allyship that said that there’s a difference between learning about equity, learning about racism as a system and learning about our place in it as an ally versus using what you learn as an exercise in self-improvement. That spoke to me very clearly about performative allyship. If you find yourself wanting to do something in order to feel better about YOURSELF, that’s the performative piece. So, if you ask yourself why am I doing this work… is it because I feel guilty because I recognize my place in the system and I don’t know what to do about it? In other words, is the process of examining my biases in the work of anti-racism about ME or is it ultimately about understanding people who experience racism? And I think that’s the hard part for me and for us white people because I think it’s actually really, really, really, really hard NOT to make it about us. 

ML: This makes me think of mindfulness, because what you’re saying is that we, white people, need to build our awareness of our internal experience to really engage in this process in an authentic way. In a way that makes actual change and not, as you described, just checking it off the to-do list. Dr. Kendi wrote “Like fighting an addiction, being an antiracist requires persistent self-awareness, constant self-criticism, and regular self-examination.” The kind of awareness he is talking about requires some sort of supportive practice in order to go there. Mindfulness practices help build that muscle of awareness. 

CQ: Yes, you have to have an awareness… you have to be willing to be open to the awareness that you are participating in racism in a certain way. You have to be willing to see and hear people and I think that practice of seeing and hearing others is not something we do in white communities very frequently and it’s something that takes a lot of skill and practice and this is probably where mindfulness practices would help. I think a lot of whiteness is tied up with narcissism because we’re used to being the center of everything. I do have to constantly ask myself in conversations… where is this feeling, this reaction I’m having coming from? I am a white woman of privilege and this privilege is part of who I am so I have to pause and question why I have a reaction and then do something with it. I’m constantly examining my ideas of how things SHOULD be done. Where does that come from? Why do I think that? What can I learn from hearing the other person’s perspective and allowing myself to be open to what they say?

ML: So how have you been learning how to develop this skill of increasing your awareness of your own experience so you CAN hear and see others?

CQ: Great question. My process has been marked by sadness and anger and all of these very difficult feelings like shame. The piece that pushed me to action is that integrity is very important to me… I want to be the person that I say that I am. I have decided that I am someone who isn’t racist so I have to learn what it means to not be racist and I have to DO those things. Right? Like it’s not enough for me to think that I am somebody, I have to BE the person that I think I am and I can only be that person when I take action. 

ML: How do you soothe your sadness, anger and shame in order to have hard conversations with fellow white people? 

CQ: I had an incident with two black students a few years ago who called me on something I did that was racist and I had a panic…because, of course, I did not see myself as capable of being racist. That realization was painful. I wasn’t able to self-soothe in that moment unfortunately but I look back on that experience all the time and I continue to learn from that failure. It helps me stay committed and aware. Now I’m much more careful even though I still have that feeling of “oh my gosh, I don’t know what to do”. But I’ve spent so much time reflecting on what’s important to me that it’s become more natural for me to check myself. I try to pause, notice that I’ve reacted to something, take a deep breath, or many, and then work to hear the other person’s truth, respect what it is, and also bring up that other realities might also be true. I think it’s important to come back to the human connection. Always.

Jon Kabat-Zinn writes that “Mindfulness practice provides an opportunity to walk along the path of your own life with your eyes open, awake instead of half conscious, responding consciously in the world instead of reacting automatically, mindlessly”. Mindfulness practice also fosters an attitude of kindness and compassion for ourselves and our experience which, in turn, generates greater kindness and compassion for others. This is the key to taking authentic action toward dismantling racism in ourselves and our communities. 

Learn more:

Callan is a Colorado native and is currently the Director of Pre-K at Rocky Mountain Prep at charter school within the Denver Public School system. Callan has taught PK, 1st, and 5th grades and has also lived in Washington D.C., and Atlanta, Georgia. Most recently, she worked with Denver Public Schools’ Early Education department as a preschool program coordinator, where she set and implemented vision for PK, coached and supported teachers and school leaders, and organized preschool systems and compliance. Callan is working on her doctorate in Education in Educational Equity at the University of Colorado, Denver campus and is committed to crafting and implementing policies that create equitable access to all students. She lives in Broomfield with her husband Jeremiah and their 2 dogs and 2 cats. 

Michelle is a mother, a partner, a friend, a spiritual seeker, a psychotherapist and someone who strives to cultivate mindfulness and take anti-racist action in her own life every day. She has a BA in Communications and Humanities from the University of Colorado and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling with a concentration in Mindfulness-based Transpersonal Psychology from Naropa University. Michelle’s practice, Soul Care Counseling, offers mindfulness-based practices that support clients seeking to become less anxious, less stressed, less reactive and more grounded, present and connected with their own inner ally. As a result of their work together, clients are able to communicate with themselves and others with greater clarity, care and compassion.  https://soulcaredenver.com/

On March 26^th Coloradans were ordered to stay home to prevent the spread of the highly contagious and deadly COVID-19 virus. Today, two months later, as the orders are being lifted, slowly, and in stages, we find ourselves emerging into a new reality where the danger is still real. As Father Richard Rohr writes on his blog, “There’s no doubt that this period will be referred to for the rest of our lifetimes.

We have a chance to go deep, and to go broad.

Globally, we’re in this together. Depth is being forced on us by great suffering, which as I like to say, always leads to great love.” He describes a polarity that I have experienced myself during this time… feelings of concern, confusion, doubt, anxiety and real fear while at the same time peace, quiet, closeness, connection, simple pleasures and love. Buddhist wisdom describes this paradox as co-emergence… where two competing and even opposite truths can be present and alive in any moment or experience at the same time. I find this teaching helpful as I reflect on my COVID-19 experience and what, if any of how I felt and what I learned, I’d like to carry with me as we all carefully move back into the world again. Yes, there has been, is and will continue to be great suffering for the foreseeable future and yet how can we “go deep” and harness the good from this moment?

Curious about what we might carry forward with us from this experience, I conducted a highly informal, quite limited survey of friends and colleagues, asking them to share an aspect of their lockdown experience that was actually positive and deepening.

I wanted to know too what practices they intend to continue moving forward in order to hold on to what was good in the suffering.

Their answers were highly aligned with Father Rohr’s “great love”, ranging from daily walks with beloved partners, quiet time with themselves, more frequent calls with family and friends and delicious spaciousness that allowed room for reading, cooking, gardening and simply being. Here’s what they said:

What we enjoyed doing the most and what gives me pleasure every day is the yard work we did. There is nothing like gorgeous flowering pots and plantings to make you feel alive and happy. In the mornings we both get a cup of coffee and walk around the yard to see how much things have blossomed or grown since the day before. You would think one day isn’t enough time to see change but you might be surprised. I know I was. – KM in Denver

I think the most profound positive that has come out of lockdown for us is a greater sense of self-reliance. During lockdown we learned—really relearned in most cases—how to do all this ourselves. YouTube was very helpful for everything from home repair to how to cut my hair myself. I already knew how to cut my husband’s hair which I used to do all the time 20 years ago, but hadn’t in a long time. It came right back to me and I gave him a great haircut! The sense of self-empowerment and self-reliance is something neither of us want to give up. – EW in Bremerton, WA

I can think of countless times I’d say to myself, “I wish life would slow down! I’m moving too fast and never have time to… fill in the blank!” This experience, after I had time to grieve, allowed me to make meaning out of this situation and I noticed that when life slowed down, so did the noise in my head. – LM in Los Angeles

I’ve actually been quite surprised by my response to the virus, stay-at-home orders, social distancing, etc. Forced to stay at home, I relaxed and found I was enjoying being home … I was not going stir crazy.  In some ways, I am living just the way I want to be living.  I’ve been making cards, relaxing on the deck with a book, enjoying “adventure” walks with the dog instead of just checking it off my to-do list, etc.  I am an introvert and that side of me is thriving. – LB in Highlands Ranch

Not being able to distract myself with my regular habits, those of making future plans – travel, or otherwise, rushing out to run “needed” errands, working, visiting museums or parks, filling time with family and friends, I have been working on the practice of relaxing into the “isness” of the time, trying to focus on the immediate and what is present, trying not to grasp constantly, solve constantly, or wish for something different.  When I am able to do this, I find more peace and certainty. Even at some future point when there are more available activities and ways to stay busy, I want to remember this feeling, and hold this practice. – TS in Denver

Although my workload has stayed relatively consistent and with more stress than usual, having slow mornings and the freedom to break off when I need to during the day has allowed me to manage my stress much more effectively than feeling like I am expected in the office. Moving forward I would like to continue morning walks, spending time working on the house, more game nights and catching up with friends at home or in the outdoors, and more delicious banana bread baking! I would also like to hold a stronger boundary on listening to my needs and not coming into the office when I don’t need or want to. – LQ in Denver

Taking morning walks with my wife and dog before we eat breakfast. The light exercise at the very beginning of the day is calming for all the uncertainty during the pandemic. Sometimes they are long walks and sometimes they are not depending on how we are feeling and that’s been great. We start off the day connecting, talking, and accomplishing something together.  – DP in Denver

What I know from my own experience, is that the slower pace of being forced to stay home helped my nervous system calm and I discovered a new baseline for what my body and brain FEEL like when I’m at ease.

Those stress feelings were easier to notice and to soothe with greater quiet in my life.

As I re-emerge, I intend to continue nurturing my new baseline with intentional schedule management and continued regular mindfulness and meditation practices. What about you? What will you carry forward with you? 

Michelle is a mother, a partner, a friend, a spiritual seeker, a psychotherapist and someone who strives to cultivate the nine attitudes in her own life every day. She has a BA in Communications and Humanities from the University of Colorado and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling with a concentration in Mindfulness-based Transpersonal Psychology from Naropa University and she completed her internship at People House. Michelle’s practice, Soul Care Counseling, offers mindfulness-based practices that support clients seeking to become less anxious, less stressed, less reactive and more grounded, present and connected with their own inner ally. As a result of their work together, clients are able to communicate with themselves and others with greater clarity, care and compassion.  https://soulcaredenver.com/

Doesn’t it feel wonderful when you know that someone cares for you?  It is a deeply felt knowing that you are not alone in the world.  It is an essential need.  There is a longing to be connected to someone in your life that supports you and has your back.  When you don’t feel “cared for” by your partner you experience disconnection.  A lack of attention and care can leave you feeling unloved and forgotten.  

Biologically we are “wired for connection.”  Humans have a very long dependency period and being cared for is critical in order for a human child to survive.  Caring relationships are basic to human existence and consciousness.  The inherent desire for a companion that cares about our well-being continues throughout life.  

In partner relationships, the desire to be seen, heard and known is fundamental because if we are truly known by another there is a sense that they care for us. We think of healthy attraction beginning with the spark of erotic polarity, which is necessary but unless it includes caring intention from both partners, the sexual attraction will not be enough to hold the relationship together.  Caring intent is essential for intimacy and having a healthy meaningful relationship that lasts.  The absence of being cared about can lead to loneliness, loss of meaning, despair and depression, which is why it is vital to keep the caring connection alive. 

“A Caring person is one Who has Appropriate Motivations to Care for Others and Who Participates Adeptly in Effective Caring Practices”

~ Virginia Held

Caring is an Action

Caring for someone is more than just liking or loving them; it means that you are concerned for their well-being.  Your actions and behaviors include serious attention to protect their health and welfare.  You are interested in looking after their needs and willing to put yourself aside to give to another.  Virginia Held, a philosopher on the ethics of care, describes a caring person “as one who has appropriate motivations to care for others and who participates adeptly in effective caring practices.”  The motivation to care can arise from the initial attraction to another and deepens with the sense of love for another.  A person may “care about” another without knowing how to “care for” another.  

The kind of care you received when you were young will have an affect on the kind of care you expect to receive and the kind of care that you give.  Living in a culture that upholds Independence and self-sufficiency as a high standard has diminished the value of caring to the extent that many people have not learned how to care for others or even for their own deepest needs.  

Knowing what actions and behaviors the person you care about needs in order to feel “cared for,” supported and protected is necessary in order to give healthy caring intent.  This is often where misunderstandings, feelings of discontent, and of not being loved occur in relationship.  One person may truly care about another but have no clue how to show their partner that they care. 

Effective Caring Practices

Commit to the Relationship

All relationships go through periods of harmony and disharmony.  Without a commitment to stay, work through problems and resolve issues there can be an underlying feeling of dissolution at any moment.  Don’t be, “One foot out the door,” whenever there is an issue that arises.  This is a lack of commitment.  The thought that one’s relationship is not solid gives partners a sense of insecurity and the feeling that one’s partner doesn’t really care.  Trust is fractured.

Trust is crucial for security and when both people commit to supporting each other through difficulties intimacy increases and the feeling of care results.  Resolving and repairing issues requires skill.  Commitment entails overcoming your habitual reactions that cause separation and learning the skills of coming back into harmony. 

Connect with Your Partner and Give them Attention

Relationships suffer from absence, inattention and taking your partner for granted.  Have the demands and activities of your life taken precedence over your relationship?  Caring behavior includes attending to the thoughts, feelings, desires and needs of one’s partner.  Once you commit to a relationship you may believe that you have “tied the knot” and are done with the job of giving your partner caring attention.  “I’ve told you I love you, why do you need more?”  Neglect feels like rejection and can silently creep into your relationship.  Absence in the form of neglect and lack of attention does Not make the heart grow fonder.  Distance for short periods of time can create a sense of appreciation and longing….but if you are not making an effort to be with your partner and connect with them or to be there when they need support, you are not valuing them and they will feel the lack of care and concern.

Attention is shown through being present with your partner, focusing on their needs, putting your needs aside and truly listening to them.  You care about how they experience life, what brings them happiness, what their passions are and what they want to pursue.  You understand and empathize when they hurt and support them when they are sad. 

Attention is shown through Daily Actions. Make Appreciating Your Partner a Priority.

• Be Present and consistent.  Our bodies crave the feeling of a trustworthy and reliable partner.
• Connect with your partner every day.  Ask about their day and take time for sharing.  Be curious and interested in what interests them.
• When you are traveling or apart from one another Call, Text, and check in.
• Leave notes of endearment.
• Remember special occasions, dates and events.  Notice what lights up your partner’s face and how they like to celebrate.  Treat Special Days with extra special attention.  Plan ahead. 
• When your partner has a project or event that matters to them be supportive and show your appreciation for their passions.  Make your partner your Priority and what matters to them matter to you.  Be present and drop what you are doing.

Be Emotionally Engaged and Actively Listen

• Make sure your partner is your “Go To Person.”  Create a sacred intimacy between the two of you that no one else shares.  Keep confidences.
• Share your thoughts, ideas, and vulnerabilities.  Open your heart.
• Have common interests and share in social engagements and activities.  Do an activity your partner enjoys even if it is not high on your list.
• Be emotionally intelligent; know your feelings and be willing to share them.
• Regulate your emotions; do not suppress and do not project.
• Validate your partner’s feelings.  Emotions are real; do not ignore, dismiss, or try to change your partner’s feelings.  It is diminishing, hurtful and emotionally abusive.  Instead, accept your partner’s feelings and do your best to understand.
• Actively listen.  Be present and look at them.  Attune yourself to the other person.  Notice their body language and the sound of their voice.  Paraphrase back to them what they said.  Validate their feelings and words.  Ask for clarity if you do not understand.  Show that you are interested in what they are saying.  Don’t numb out. 

Do Acts of Kindness

At the beginning of your relationship, you probably noticed the small gestures that gave your partner joy.  You made their favorite meal, you tidied up your mess, you brought them tea or coffee, you planned a special outing and surprised them, you bought concert tickets to their favorite group and you made sure that when they had a tough day you turned off the television, sat with them and listened.  The day-to-day kindnesses add up.  Each time you do an act of generosity and kindness for your partner, you are adding the positive qualities of love and caring, which enhances your life and theirs.

“And in the End, the Love you Take is Equal to the Love You Make” ~ The Beatles

Value and Cherish Your Partner Every Day

The more you put into the relationship by being generous with your care and attention, the more safety and trust are enhanced.  When you cherish your partner you are valuing your connection of Love. 

Dorothy Wallis is a former intern at People House in private practice with an M.A. in Marriage and Family Therapy.  She is a Psychotherapist, Certified Relational Life Therapist, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, and an International Spiritual Teacher at the forefront of the consciousness movement for over thirty years grounded in practices of meditation, family systems, relationships, and emotional growth.  Her work reflects efficacious modalities of alternative approaches to healing for individuals and couples based upon the latest research in science, human energy fields, psychology, and spirituality. 

As a leader in the field of emotional consciousness and the connection to mind, body and spirit, her compassionate approach safely teaches you how to connect to your body, intuition and knowing to clear emotional wounds and trauma at the core.  The powerful Heartfulness protocol empowers your ability to join with your body’s innate capacity to heal through holistic Somatic, Sensory and Emotional awareness. 

www.TheDorWay.com and www.Heartfulnesspath.com  

Mindfulness and mindful meditation. They’re all the rage right now, but what exactly are they and why should we care?  

Mindfulness is another way of referring to awareness.  

Mindfulness is paying attention and being in the present moment and doing it intentionally and without judgment. Mindfulness meditation is a meditation practice that invites awareness of thoughts, emotions, and body sensations.  Do you need to meditate to be mindful? NO. Does a consistent meditation practice help you to become more mindful? YES.  

One of the benefits of both mindfulness and mindful meditation is that we can become more responsive and less reactive. During meditation, we have our point of focus and we notice as thoughts, feelings, sounds, or sensations float in and float out.  We can sit and observe, or we can react. Sometimes meditation can be challenging. We have disturbances and irritations that interrupt our focus. Our meditation practice is a microcosm of our bigger emotional lives. We have daily disturbances and irritations that interrupt our flow. We can learn to respond in more positive and productive ways.

How does what we experience in meditation translate into our waking life?  

Think about when we have an itch on our arm.  We react by immediately scratching. We don’t even think about it.  We just dive in with a scratch to relieve the itching. But what if we didn’t scratch right away? What if we paused for a moment and were curious about what an itch actually feels like?  What are the characteristics of that itch? How much surface area does it take up? Is it a strong or mild sensation? If you had to draw a picture of the sensation, what would it look like? How long does that itch last?  In denying ourselves the scratch for quick relief, does our stomach tighten up? Do we become irritated or anxious? Pausing and being curious about this itching sensation give us choices. We can scratch, or we can wait to scratch. We can see how long the sensation lasts and perhaps ride the wave as the itch lessens in intensity. We can notice how long it takes to disappear. 

Now let’s think about a more challenging situation that could pop up in our life. 

Can you think about a time when you’ve been reactive?  Maybe you are in line at the grocery store and the person in front of you is moving slowly, taking their time, and chatting away with the clerk. You think, “What are they doing? Don’t they know this  unacceptable?” You want to scream “Stop talking and hurry the *$#! up!” That’s being reactive. Instead of screaming (just like immediately scratching that itch), you could try to be curious about what’s going on inside of you. Why are you angry and frustrated? Why are you feeling anxious about this situation? Maybe this is the third time this week that you’ll be late to work, and you might lose your job.  Maybe you have a splitting headache and just want to get home and lay down. Maybe you think holding up the line is disrespectful. What really matters is that this situation is charged for some reason and it’s really bothering you. How are you experiencing this anxiety in your body? Is your throat tightening up? Is your heart rate increasing? Are your palms getting sweaty? When you take some time to examine what’s going on with a situation that’s charged in some way, you can actually slow yourself down.  If you’re running late, is screaming at someone going to get you there any faster? Can you do a quick body scan or breathing exercise instead? Can you look for the absurdity in the moment? Choosing something different is being responsive instead of reactive.  

Pausing and choosing a different response is being mindful.  

In addition to becoming less reactive and more responsive, other benefits of mindfulness and mindful meditation are reduced stress, improved emotion regulation, increased focus, and increased empathy.  Practicing mindfulness meditation can lower blood pressure, decrease anxiety levels, and help promote clarity in thinking and perception. 

 Why should you care about mindfulness?  Why wouldn’t you? Simply put, mindfulness and mindful meditation help to support, enhance, and strengthen our physical and mental health and can assist us in living happier, healthier, and more fulfilled lives.

—

Kathy Hawkins, MA, LPC, LAC, ACS  is a mindfulness based transpersonal psychotherapist. Kathy believes that we can’t undo our past or know what the future holds, but we can come to a better place in accepting where we are right now. Everyone experiences challenges in their lives and sometimes we just need someone that we can trust to listen, be present, and help guide us in overcoming these challenges. Cultivating awareness is the foundation for any type of growth and change. Coming to peace with the present moment enables people to accept the uncertainties in life. People are their own experts and Kathy works with her clients to empower them to better understand their lives and transform and heal from the challenges they have encountered. Kathy uses a variety of different approaches to help with trauma, depression, anxiety, grief, stress reduction, anger management, life transitions, and personal and spiritual growth. 

www.kathyhawkinscounseling.com

It has been quite a ride and sometimes as I look back on 2019, I feel like my life was swept up inside a whirligig with the continuous momentum pulling me from one relational experience to the next.  It has been a year of connecting with friends, loved ones and new people, which has been richly rewarding. There are so many dear people that I did not connect with yet have been so present in my heart. 

I remind myself that there is time for everything and how valuable it is to pause and reflect on what this year has brought.

The energy of this year invited us to deepen our relationship to self and others, which continues as we move toward unity.  Finding the balance in your own life means taking time to look inward and getting in touch with your true feelings and desires.  Tremendous healing is possible and supported through unearthing the shadow aspects that hold you back or are no longer required when you honestly look at your life and outworn patterns. 

It is important to stay grounded by actually sticking with what you are feeling instead of pushing uncomfortable or painful emotions away.

This is how you find the truth of what is going on inside of you instead of believing it lies somewhere outside of you or in another.  When you connect with your emotions and desires, you engage with your essence self. The more you access your True Self, the more you develop greater trust and acceptance of your wholeness. Trusting your own goodness expands your vision and opens possibilities especially when you purge the negative disempowering beliefs.  Insights abound and the creative juice of the universe is allowed to move freely through you. This is truly a release from bondage.   

Your practice of these principles may go smoothly and then the inevitable bumps and challenges of life erupt.  It is then when faith in your ability to face the unknown and uncertain outcome is activated.

Letting go was a theme for many this year. 

Loss may have been in the form of a health crisis, or a relationship, or career, or an aspect of your life that had given you much meaning.  Change is a constant and yet not welcomed when what had been in your life nourished you or gave you a sense of identity. Whatever had been in your life before offered you something for your growth.  When the loss is seen with the eyes of what was gained rather than all that is lost, there is a profound sense of acceptance. It is then that integration can occur and the ability to cherish what was and to be able to move into what life is now offering.

There is a longing in the consciousness of humanity to explore deeper levels of intimacy within the self and through others.  What catalyzes this inner search transpires through various situations. Perhaps a relationship that seemed so stable suddenly found you distraught and questioning whether to stay or go.  Shallow meaningless relationships that do not spark growth or that do not support your values or integrity are not satisfying. The dissatisfaction is a motivator to look squarely at your needs and desires.  The stimulation from the frustration champions your deepest yearnings to be seen and not ignored by you.

Even though you may want a partner or friend to know what you need, the reality is for you to know what you need. 

The thrust of this energy propels you to push beyond your doubts and fear even though you struggle with trusting your inner guidance. Stepping outside the comfort of companionship even if it is no longer beneficial is not easy.  

Most often the disruption is not about your partner, friend, foe or the relationship.  It is about a change in direction. Your soul is bringing you a new experience that is necessary.  The beauty and love you received from a primary relationship has filled you and given you the treasure of knowing another and seeing the reflection of yourself through them.  Leaving behind a person that has provided comfort, security and love is devastating. Why does it have to end? Equally crushing is the loss of relationship with a part of yourself through a physical impairment or of your identity when your livelihood, career, or changes in your lifestyle occur.

So why, you ask is this happening?  How can loss of any kind be in my highest good? 

The American Tibetan Buddhist nun, Pema Chodrin, offers words of insight.  “Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”  This is when strength and resilience unfold from within. In the heart of you is this indisputable essence of fortitude and inner security.  The inner security you are searching for is not outside of you or found in another person, it is eternally a part of your essential nature.

The disruptions in your life bring you closer and closer to the realization of who you really are.  By befriending yourself you engage the small moments of life with love and devotion. Each moment becomes a precious albeit fleeting experience.  Through thick and thin you learn how to be compassionate with yourself.  

Rapid change is happening and you cannot avoid it.  Transition is a constant pattern. You may change and fear it as well.  Look back at this year and the one before it. How have you weathered the changes in your life?   Change is not always smooth and yet, here you are. You’ve got this. Each time you stay with the hurt, anger, sadness, and shakiness you get better at being with it.  Give yourself credit and Give yourself a break.

Dorothy Wallis is a former intern at People House in private practice with an M.A. in Marriage and Family Therapy.  She is a Psychotherapist, Clinical Hypnotherapist and an International Spiritual Teacher at the forefront of the consciousness movement for over thirty years grounded in practices of meditation, family systems, relationships, and emotional growth.  Her work reflects efficacious modalities of alternative approaches to healing for individuals and couples based upon the latest research in science, human energy fields, psychology, and spirituality. 

  As a leader in the field of emotional consciousness and the connection to mind, body and spirit, her compassionate approach safely teaches you how to connect to your body, intuition and knowing to clear emotional wounds and trauma at the core.  The powerful Heartfulness protocol empowers your ability to join with your body’s innate capacity to heal through holistic Somatic, Sensory and Emotional awareness.  www.TheDorWay.com and www.Heartfulnesspath.com