Growing up, I was never allowed to shirk my commitments. If I didn’t feel like going to dance class one evening, my mom would make sure to come up to my room and remind me to get ready to leave. When she picked me up from a voice lesson and noticed how visibly relaxed I was after singing, she would make sure to remind me of the feeling and how if I had decided not to go, I would still be stewing in my teen melodrama.

As much as “I don’t feel like it” or “I don’t like being told what to do”, showing up allows me to execute my gifts in service to a larger purpose outside of my own selfish interests. It holds me accountable both to myself and to my community even though the process of becoming present is anything but glamorous. 

In his latest book, Dedicated: The Case for Commitment in An Age of Infinite Browsing, author Pete Davis discusses how American society (especially millennials) is free floating in an age of endless options and lacking in commitment to real people, places, and projects. Yet he advocates that true change takes the commitment to show up over and over and over again for a long period of time. And as lackluster as committing is, we actually idolize those who commit and wish we could be more like them. 

Teaching a student, advancing a cause, healing a divide, rectifying an injustice, revitalizing a town, solving a hard problem, getting a new project off the ground—they all take time. If change happened quickly, we wouldn’t need commitment—our initial elation or anger would be enough. But when change takes time, we need something more—something that can get us through the boredom, distraction, exhaustion, and uncertainty that can plague any long-haul effort (Davis, 2021, p.17). 

Over the past almost four years in school, there were many, many moments when I wanted to quit. I was sick of being merely a student and missing out on all the fun opportunities that I imagined and realized other people in my life were having. There have been so many instances of boredom, distraction, exhaustion, and uncertainty. But being on the other side of my educational journey, I am proud of all that I have achieved and so glad that I stuck with it even when “I didn’t feel like it”. 

When clients first come to see me, I can practically feel their unspoken expectation about immediate relief radiating off their skin. Sometimes there is immediate relief in that clients suddenly feel heard and seen in ways that they have not experienced in the rest of their lives. And I often have to provide psychoeducation about the time it takes to create a therapeutic relationship which fosters emotional processing. It takes time. Curating an atmosphere of mutual trust and understanding takes times. Outlining the duration, frequency, and symptomology of a client’s concern takes time. Understanding the root of a behavioral pattern and how it impacts a client’s current relationships takes time. There is no short cut to relating in real space and time, and commitment is the method by which we co-create healing. 

As writer Natalie Goldberg states in her book, Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within, “Our bodies are garbage heaps: we collect experience, and from the decomposition of the thrown-out eggshells, spinach leaves, coffee grinds, and old steak bones of our minds come nitrogen, heat, and very fertile soil. Out of this fertile soil bloom our poems and stories. But this does not come all at once. It takes time” (2005, p.15). 

References

Davis, P. (2021). Dedicated: The case for commitment in an age of infinite browsing. Avid Reader Press. 

Goldberg, N. (2005). Writing down the bones: Freeing the writer within. Shambhala Publications.

About Me

Marielle Grenade-Willis is a current counseling intern with People House and a master’s student at the University of Colorado – Denver. With a B.A. in Sociology/Anthropology and a background in dance, dramatic, and vocal performance, she applies a somatic and systemic approach to the individualized work of counseling. Marielle works from a client-centered, experiential, narrative, and trauma-informed perspective with her individual clients. Prior to People House, she worked extensively in nonprofits focused on animal conservation, food access, and refugee welfare; and has had her poems read and published throughout the Front Range and beyond.

Many of the choices I have personally made, and then felt imprisoned by, have been imposed on me directly or indirectly by outside influences, as though my living space was built by someone else, based on their needs, values, and preferences instead of mine. Clients don’t often say it quite this way, and instead say they feel anxious or depressed or stuck. As we explore these feelings, we discover ways in which they are trying to conform to a set of internal rules, like bricks, that were laid and cemented by others. 

Brick by choice-limiting brick

Over time, brick by brick and layer by layer, we incorporate messages and expectations from influential and important people including parents and caregivers, relatives and friends, teachers and mentors. We are educated and shaped by more ambiguous others in society in the way laws and policies are created and enforced, by media and advertising, as well as through our experiences of ourselves in our broader environment. We learn we are acceptable if: If we go along, if we play nice, for example. As young, developing children, we take these messages in because humans are social beings wired biologically to survive and find protection in belonging. Without questioning them, we take these rules for granted and assume no structure could stand without them. Consider the common directive to “Always be kind”. Always, in every possible scenario? What does it mean to be kind? What actions demonstrate kindness and who do they serve? Certainly I’m not suggesting cruelty as the alternative because that represents an either-or thinking error and there are more than two choices when thinking flexibly. When a useful guideline becomes a rigid requirement, it locks out possibilities — like living in a small box with no room to move. 

Finding freedom

If you can relate to the feeling of being locked in a box, in choices that no longer serve you, working with a counselor can help you start developing an exit strategy. Together you might identify the nature of your particular box, how it was constructed over time, who laid which bricks, and how you are maintaining it on purpose or by accident. This may not be fast work. Much as we might wish for “7 Easy Ways to Freedom!”, opting out of rules you didn’t create requires the hard work of looking closely and staying curious and open to what you find. As you proceed, you may decide you want to update your space — maybe there are only a few bricks to be replaced, or perhaps you envision a larger scale renovation. Counseling works in different ways for different people because our needs and stories are different, but if your life feels like it’s “too tight”, working with a counselor can help you find more flexibility in your thoughts and behaviors. 

I want to clarify that I’m not suggesting we abandon each other and refuse to be influenced by anyone else. I’m actually not suggesting there’s a right way at all, simply that counseling is one place to tell the truth about the way things are for you, how they got that way over time, and what change might be desirable or possible. As my friend said, sometimes we choose to conform and compromise because we are a social species and we value attending to collective interests as well as individual ones. If this feels like a struggle for you, counseling can also help clarify values around self and others that sometimes feel in conflict. 

Counseling may not be for everyone, and that’s okay. Just like choosing other personal or professional relationships, not every therapist is a good match for every client. If you decide to take a chance on counseling and don’t feel a “good fit” with the counselor, know that in the case of self-referred counseling, you are in the driver’s seat and are empowered to choose who you want to work with, on which areas, and that you can start or stop at any time.

About Lauren Black
I’ll never forget my high school math teacher who said, “choices have consequences; make good choices.” Easier said than done! If you’re finding yourself making choices that are moving you further from your goals, you are not alone. Therapy can help you uncover the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that might be holding you back and discover your motivations for change. My own experiences in therapy led me to change careers; I earned my Master’s Degree in Counseling and have worked with people rebuilding their lives after consequences related to substance abuse and criminal charges. All issues and identities welcomed.

Contact Lauren at 307-509-0642 or LaurenBlack@peoplehouse.org.

What I wish I had said is this. 

Ideally, what happens in counseling is that for perhaps the first time in your life, you are treated with unconditional acceptance, and if you can trust this feeling of being accepted, even just a little bit, you might start to realize that who you are is really okay. That you are a human among humans, not worth more or less than anyone else, and that you don’t need to do or buy anything more to finally be “good enough.” A therapist provides the conditions that nurture the seed of “good enough” that no one and nothing can take away. Slowly that seed grows into a distinct sense of “liking” yourself, a feeling of pleasure at being you and a wish to continue to get to know yourself better. This feeling of enjoying being you is what fills life with joy and meaning and playfulness and allows you to embrace even the painful and disappointing parts of life. 

So why should anyone go to a perfect stranger and tell them their most well-kept secrets? Why would anyone share their shame, their despair, their loneliness, their deepest fears with someone who gets paid from this arrangement? 

Unconditional positive regard, that’s why. 

Unconditional positive regard is a concept introduced by Carl Rogers, the psychologist who developed Person-Centered Therapy. It is the full acceptance for people as we are, and with full respect for our autonomy and basic goodness. While not all behaviors humans choose are acceptable, we possess inherent worth no matter what we do or say. Rogers believed that feeling accepted and understood is a key component of change and that therapists oriented in this direction create the conditions that allow their clients to move in a positive direction chosen by the clients themselves rather than imposed by the therapist. Research has shown this to be true and Rogers’ core conditions are taught to therapists in training as necessary conditions for a therapeutic relationship.

I experienced unconditional positive regard in almost every therapeutic relationship I’ve had over the past twenty years. For many years of my life, I have suffered with near constant anxiety and shame whenever in the company of others. Because I had no idea how to “be”, I often blushed, sweated, and stammered, or else I stayed silent to avoid the embarrassment of showing my insecurities. Finally in my 20s, I sought professional help and I’d like to tell you my anxiety resolved quickly. It didn’t; I had a long way to go, and I still do. But what started as a relationship with a therapist who accepted me and even liked me, for no good reason that I could see, eventually grew to include more people. I started to reveal myself and tell the truth to important people and I began to show up without a “mask” when I met new people, facing my fears of judgment and rejection. Over time, I was able to recognize when and with whom I didn’t feel accepted and I learned to choose my friends and relationships carefully. I developed a thicker skin (stronger boundaries) to protect myself when I couldn’t avoid judgment or embarrassment. Ultimately, I began to take better care of myself and began to treat myself with more respect and compassion. This, of course, is ongoing work, the work of a lifetime. 

Can’t friends give friends unconditional positive regard? 

Of course. If you have friends and family who can genuinely set aside their own judgments and evaluations in order to accept your full autonomy and responsibility for your own choices, that’s wonderful! But therapists are not friends or family, and friends and family–even if they are therapists– are not your therapist. Your friends and family love and care for you, but healthy personal relationships persist because they are mutually beneficial. For several years in college, I dated a guy who was abusive. My roommate, a really close friend at the time, finally ran out of patience for comforting me through repeated breakups with this person, only to find I continued to get back together with him. Ultimately I lost the friendship because I asked something of her she couldn’t give. It hurt and exhausted her to watch me cycle through the same pattern over and over again, and in order to protect herself, she had to distance herself from me. I didn’t know about counseling back then, but a therapist would’ve been able to stay in relationship with me while I sorted out what kept me in this abusive relationship. Friends and family, well meaning as they are, may simply not have the experience handling the suffering of others, and using them for this purpose may burn out the relationship over time. Therapists have years of professional training and experience that allow them to sit with the pain clients share, so you can trust what you bring to your therapist will remain confidential* and that your therapist will be able to stay with you in your struggle rather than turn away or try to fix it. Therapists are trained to walk with you in your experience, nonjudgmentally and skillfully, so that you can come to accept and understand yourself and move forward in your life. 

Counseling offers so many benefits — new tools, new insights and perspectives, accountability — but when I try to boil it down to the most powerful factor for me personally, it is unconditional positive regard: the therapeutic assumption that each of us is fundamentally good, that we mean well and will naturally move in a positive direction given that we feel accepted, understood, and free to explore our experience with another human being. 

*There are some exceptions to confidentiality in the case of imminent risk of harm to self or others, abuse or neglect of a child or elder, and when there is a court order to release information. 

People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds. 

― Carl R. Rogers, A Way of Being

Lauren Black Affordable Counseling Program Intern

I’ll never forget my high school math teacher who said, “choices have consequences; make good choices.” Easier said than done! If you’re finding yourself making choices that are moving you further from your goals, you are not alone. Therapy can help you uncover the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that might be holding you back and discover your motivations for change. My own experiences in therapy led me to change careers; I earned my Master’s Degree in Counseling and have worked with people rebuilding their lives after consequences related to substance abuse and criminal charges. All issues and identities welcomed.

LaurenBlack@peoplehouse.org; 307-509-0642

Major Depressive DO is one of the most commonly diagnosed mental health issues in our world today.

Most patients are treated with a combination of medications and therapy, and many people experience an improvement in their symptoms. However, many do not. Or sometimes, this treatment works for a while, and the depression starts to return. Medications may be adjusted, and a different therapeutic approach tried. These are generally accepted practices, and I encounter many clients who are comfortable with the idea that, “I simply have a chemical imbalance, and I must accept it and maintain my treatment.” This is successful treatment, and I am thankful we have behavioral and medical treatments to aid our clients.

What if we instead see depression as a spiritual crisis, a “dark night of the soul” that springs from living an unfulfilling life devoid of meaning, or from a lack of deep personal connections with other human beings?

What if I have a sense of not belonging to my family, my friend group, my work team?

And what if I just continue to live my life, going through each day stoically, telling myself there is something wrong with me, that other people seem happy, that I just need to keep going and be grateful for what I have? This seems to be an acceptable course of action for many people, but what if, for some people, there are ongoing feelings that there could be more to life, but they have no idea how to accomplish it?

Depressive symptoms often include a sense of emptiness, a lack of enjoyment in life, a sense of worthlessness or hopelessness, disengagement from social connections, and a feeling that life challenges and obstacles are just too great to be overcome. So many people tell me, “I am just overwhelmed. All I can do is cry. Or sleep.”  Depression often comes after major life changes or losses, and can sometimes be intertwined with grief. Depression often accompanies chronic pain or disabilities. Depression is a part of trauma and anxiety related disorders.

Therapeutic empathy is a big part of the therapeutic bond. 

It can be challenging to simply be with another’s pain without wanting to fix it. However, studies have shown, and most clients will affirm, that it is the therapeutic bond which is the most important part of healing for the client.  It shows that the therapist can be present with the suffering of another human being, that or she is not suffering alone.

This is spiritual connection, being a fully present witness to another’s pain without trying to get right to work on healing it. Acceptance of the pain and struggles of life can be the first step to healing it.

Although therapists are trained to only disclose personal information to a client when absolutely necessary, I believe that sometimes it can be helpful to disclose our own struggles with depression, substance use, or other mental health issues. This can help in creating a sense of equality between the client and therapist, and when there is a sense of equality, there can be a therapeutic bond as well as a spiritual bond that can be healing for the client. There can become what the mystic Martin Buber called the I-Thou relationship, in which each person is involved in creating a sacred, healing bond.

Spiritual tools used in therapy can include asking clients to try meditation, if they aren’t already practicing meditation. I encourage my clients to meditate, and sometimes will practice with them in session. We talk about the goals of meditating, and why it can be so helpful with depression. Depression takes us away from our higher and deeper selves, the spirit and soul that are our true selves.

I like to think of spirit as being our higher self, the expanded and free self that has perspective and knows that “this, too, shall pass.”

The soul is our inward, deep self, quiet and filled with eternal peace and wisdom.  These essences surround and fill our physical bodies, but when we are depressed, we have forgotten-or never knew- these parts of ourselves that, as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, can never be hurt or damaged. Meditation can open us up to our essence, our inner peace and outer knowing, that eternal aspect of ourselves that cannot be hurt or suffer.

Yoga, Tai Chi, or martial arts practices can be helpful in healing depression, and serve as true mind/body/spirit practices that will often unleash some deeply held feelings in our bodies. I will never forget a yoga session during which “Pigeon Pose” caused a huge outpouring of tears that was nearly uncontrollable. I was embarrassed to be weeping in front of other people, but the teacher came to me, put her hands on my back, and just sat with me till the tears stopped. I didn’t know what was happening, or why. She explained that I had been holding on to some hurt, and it was in the parts of my body stretched by the pose. I was able to explore this through journaling and gained an understanding of what painful memories I had been carrying in my hips. True mind, body, spiritual healing.

Here is a list of some of my favorite mind/body/spirit teachers and authors:

Mona Lisa Schultz

Jack Kornfield

Tara Brach

Eckhart Tolle

Thich Nhat Hanh

Faye Maguire, MA, LACC, is a People House private practitioner working with youth and adults, using a transpersonal approach to therapy. Counseling is her second career, after being a business owner for nearly 30 years. She enjoys working with people experiencing life transitions, grief and loss, depression, anxiety, trauma, addictions, relationship issues, and figuring out life’s direction, using a holistic approach. Please contact her at 720-331-2454 or at fayemaguire@gmail.com for more information.

We often hear about “treating the whole person”, which is an acknowledgement that modern Western medicine and psychology has, in practice, separated human beings in disparate parts and treated those parts as if they exist in a vacuum, unconnected to the rest of the person. Medicine has become the domain of specialists, highly educated in a specific area of health. In many ways, psychology has also become the domain of specialists, and it can be difficult for clients and patients to untangle the different modalities and discover which treatment will best serve their needs.

It seems as if physicians treat the body and counselors treat the mind and emotions.

Spiritual practices also may have contributed to this separation, as they have often placed the person’s spiritual needs above and beyond the physical and the realm of emotional life, imparting the belief that one’s eternal soul is a more important concern than physical needs and health. Spiritual leaders often give up many quotidian needs in the service of their spiritual well being.  However, Abraham Maslow recognized in his hierarchy of needs that one must have their basic physical needs met before being able to pursue spiritual goals.

It seems that science has taken us apart in order to learn about how we work, and that spirit calls out to put us back together.

How do we “put a person back together”, therapeutically? 

Perhaps I have experienced childhood or adult physical or emotional trauma, neglect, or other life experiences that have taught me that life is to be feared and people, in general, not to be trusted. This may have taught me to “live in my head” by avoiding feeling my body and my emotions. It may have caused me to numb my feelings or misuse my body through drug or alcohol abuse, or by eating disorders, angry outbursts, or self harm. This dissociation from the body is also dissociation from my soul and my spirit. I might be living on auto pilot, disregarding physical symptoms or seeing them as unrelated to my thinking mind. I might struggle to articulate what I am feeling.

I may resist feeling at all.

It can be uncomfortable or frightening to allow myself to feel my body or to let myself acknowledge long buried emotions. Sometimes smothered emotions emerge as chronic depression, uncontrolled anger, physical illness, or ongoing anxiety.

Do I say to myself, “I wonder why I am feeling so sad much of the time?” Or “I don’t know where that panic attack came from.” It is as if I am stuck in a level of depression or anxiety and not willing to bring it up into the light and examine it. It could be that looking at is seems just too overwhelming. I might be caught and never be able to free myself from the despair, pain, or anger I am carrying in my body.

But the body and the heart never lie.

My mind can lie to me, because it may be filled with ideas, beliefs, mental habits, opinions, and negative cognitions that come from my family of origin, my culture, physical and emotional trauma, or my religious upbringing. They may not be my truths. By bringing these mental habits, the feelings and emotions I carry in my body, I can free myself from the weight of unexamined fears, memories, and experiences. I can bring my mind into alignment with my body, my soul, and my spirit.

This is true integrity, the integration of my being into living a life that manifests my deepest beliefs, values, and priorities. I am then able to know that my work, my personal relationships, my daily actions are expressing who I truly am as a human being, body, mind, and spirit.

Here is a list of some of my favorite authors on the subject of body, mind and spirit integration:

 Larry Dossey

Carolyn Myss

Rudolph Ballentine

Christian Nothrup

Deepak Chopra

Faye Maguire, MA, LACC, is a People House private practitioner working with youth and adults, using a transpersonal approach to therapy. Counseling is her second career, after being a business owner for nearly 30 years. She enjoys working with people experiencing life transitions, grief and loss, depression, anxiety, trauma, addictions, relationship issues, and figuring out life’s direction, using a holistic approach. Please contact her at 720-331-2454 or at fayemaguire@gmail.com for more information.