It’s curious—our minds are powerful tools, capable of shaping our realities in profound ways. Yet, we often let our thoughts and imaginations confine us rather than liberate us. We become so scared of the monsters we create that we give them life, allowing them to wreak havoc on our relationships and our understanding of sex and sexuality. We build walls around what we believe is possible, desirable, or even acceptable. These walls become barriers that prevent us from having what we want. But what if we challenged those limiting beliefs? What if we dared to explore the full spectrum of our desires and connections?

The Power of Mindset in Sex and Relationships

Mindset is everything. It influences how we perceive ourselves, how we connect with others, and how we experience pleasure. When we hold onto limiting beliefs about our bodies, our desires, or our worthiness of love, we restrict our ability to fully engage in relationships and sexuality.

Consider how many times you’ve told yourself, “I’m not attractive enough,” “I’m too old to explore new aspects of my sexuality,” or “I can’t find someone who truly understands me.” These thoughts don’t just reflect reality; they create one. They form a narrative that keeps you from exploring the beauty of what could be.

Expectation vs. Experience: Shaping Outcomes

Expectations can heavily influence how we feel about our experiences. Take, for instance, someone who goes to a club with the sole expectation of meeting someone. When that doesn’t happen, they walk away feeling defeated and bad about themselves. If their mindset had been focused on simply enjoying the night with friends, they might have left with a sense of fulfillment rather than disappointment.

I’ve had many clients who think they’re not attractive enough for their partner, and this self-doubt manifests as erectile dysfunction. Their body responds to the story their mind is telling them. However, when clients start coaching, they can begin to unravel those thoughts. By practicing mindful masturbation, they can discover they are in control of their own orgasm. By shifting this mindset, they begin to enjoy sex—both solo and shared—in a way they never had before.

Expectations can either open us up to possibilities or set us up for disappointment. When we focus on the experience rather than the outcome, we give ourselves the freedom to enjoy the moment for what it is, rather than what we hoped it would be.

Challenging the Norms: Attraction Beyond the Surface

Attraction is often boxed into narrow definitions—youth, specific body types, conventional beauty standards. But true attraction goes deeper than that. It’s about the energy, connection, and shared experiences that can be found in places you might not expect. Can we open our minds to see beauty wherever we find it, not just in the places society tells us to look?

Imagine what might happen if you allowed yourself to be drawn to someone’s intelligence, kindness, or passion, rather than just their physical appearance. How might that change your relationships? Your sexuality?

Realistic Goals: Balancing Ambition with Reality

We all have dreams and aspirations, but it’s important to balance them with realistic goals. If you’re 50 years old and have never trained as an astronaut, becoming one might not be feasible. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t explore your interest in space—perhaps by studying rocket science or engaging with the space community in other meaningful ways.

Similarly, in your sexual and relational life, it’s crucial to set goals that are both challenging and achievable. Maybe you won’t suddenly transform into a sexually liberated person overnight, but you can start by exploring your desires, learning about your body, or seeking out new experiences that resonate with your authentic self.

Breaking Free: A New Narrative

The key to overcoming these limiting beliefs lies in rewriting the narratives we tell ourselves. Instead of “I’m too old to try this,” you might say, “I’m curious about exploring this aspect of myself, and I’m going to take small steps toward that.” Instead of “I’m not attractive enough,” try, “I’m going to embrace and celebrate the unique qualities that make me who I am.”

By shifting our mindset, we open ourselves up to new possibilities in our relationships, our sexualities, and our lives as a whole. It’s not about ignoring reality, but about expanding it—finding beauty, connection, and pleasure in places we may have never thought to look.

Is this process easy? No, but easy and better aren’t the same thing. My role as a coach is to help guide others on this path, to stay with them through both the good times and the hard times. If you’re ready to face the monster at the end of this blog, please reach out and start to change the narrative.

About the Author: Rick Garcia (he/him) is the owner of Cannabased Coaching & Wellness. Rick started his career in the healing arts as a licensed massage therapist in 2005. Looking for a shift he transitioned to HIV prevention and has worked in sexual health for 11 years. Realizing the gap in sexual health and sexual fulfillment Rick became a certified sex coach and sexologist so that he could help people explore their ideal sexual self while remaining as safe as possible. His sex coaching services are holistic and combine elements such as talk, somatic exercises, the MEBES model, cannabis and a variety of other modalities. When his wellness center opened he decided to have another arm available for massage therapy. To learn more about Rick’s services please visit www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com or contact him at cannabasedcoachingandwellness@gmail.com.

When I thought about this subject, I thought about a person I met a couple of years ago.  This person hadn’t done much in terms of sexual exploration and they felt that they were left behind.  They didn’t dabble in online apps, they didn’t use onlyfans, they didn’t visit sex clubs.  When I first met this person, they said “I’m not cool, I’m not doing these things and I feel like I’ve missed the boat.”  What struck me, was the fact that this person didn’t say they wanted to do these things.  When I asked more questions, they said “I don’t really want to do these things, but if I don’t then I feel like I’m left out.” 

This reflection brought up a question that shares an almost mirrored reflection with technology: just because I can, should I?

Now, don’t get me wrong.  This blog is going online, it will be posted to my social media accounts, so the irony of this post is not wasted on me.  On the sexual side, I often advocate for people to understand their desires and explore in a safe way if that feels good to them.  There is always a choice.  Once again, just because we can, should we?  It’s crucial to recognize the power of choice and the work we put into our relationships.  The impact these two ideas can have on our overall well-being and evolution as humans can shape not only who we are but also how we see (and are seen by) the world. 

To truly understand the dynamics at play, it’s essential to distinguish between evolving and advancing in the context of sexual health. Evolution implies a natural progression, a development that aligns with personal growth and experiences. Advancement, on the other hand, often involves the incorporation of external elements.

In the realm of sexual health, evolving might involve deepening emotional connections, exploring one’s desires, and embracing a holistic approach to well-being. Advancing, on the contrary, could be adopting the idea that there are quick fixes and one technique fits all. 

Evolving sexually often involves prioritizing emotional connections, fostering intimacy, and deepening understanding with partners.

An evolved sexual experience is rooted in authenticity, allowing individuals to explore their desires in a genuine and mindful manner.  While this evolution sounds simple, the reality is that evolution takes time, and the process does require patience. It involves a gradual unfolding of one’s sexual self. Embracing evolution does call on individuals to be vulnerable, exposing themselves to the uncertainties that come with personal growth.

 Advancing can open up new realms of sexual exploration and enhancement while providing diverse experiences and catering to unique preferences.  You might see these advancements advertised as masterclasses for love making or a pill that will turn you into a lover with unending stamina.  While things like this can bring innovation to the bedroom, it is important to understand that sticking to a script or a “one size fits all” mentality can hinder genuine connections with partners.  I can name 20 things that are considered erotic, but people are unique and what one person finds pleasurable can be downright upsetting for someone else.  So that expensive masterclass no longer applies. 

Treating your partner as an individual sounds easy, but it can be hard to have conversations about pleasure and what we like.  That’s the great thing about coaching.  It invites a safe place to explore your own sexual self while learning tools to help you communicate with partners.

The number of sexual partners or sexual acts that we’ve done doesn’t necessarily determine one’s level of evolution. Instead, it’s the quality of connections and the depth of experiences that contribute to personal growth. Someone who cultivates connected sex, characterized by meaningful interactions and shared intimacy, may find themselves on a path of profound evolution.  To be clear, this doesn’t mean that you have to have only one partner to know the true connection.  I’ve had clients who are in monogamous relationships who have zero connection to their partners, I’ve also had clients who love sex and connection and will have 1-2 partners each week that are meaningful and connected. 

To sum it all up, you have a choice.  If all 32 flavors speak to you that’s great, but you don’t have to try each flavor.  How wild or reserved you are says nothing about who you actually are.  The connections you foster, the way you show up, that is what says who you are.  The intersection of evolving and advancing in sexual health requires a delicate balance. It’s crucial to approach your sexual expression with mindfulness, prioritizing genuine connections and personal growth. As a sex coach, my mission is to guide individuals on a journey that aligns with their authentic selves, a sexual evolution (and sometimes revolution) that transcends the boundaries of expectations and enhances the richness of human connection.

Sex and sexuality is part of the human experience and part of who you are as a human.  Yet these topics often carry a heavy burden of shame. Shame and guilt are two powerful emotions that can profoundly affect our lives, even beyond the bedroom. In this blog post, we will explore the difference between shame and guilt, delve into concepts that demonstrate the impact of shame on sexual health, and discuss how societal stigma can increase these feelings.

Shame and guilt, these concepts are often used interchangeably and can exist in the same space, but they are distinctly different emotional responses. Understanding this difference is crucial in comprehending their impact on sexual health.

Guilt is the feeling of remorse or responsibility for one’s actions. It arises from knowing that you have done something.  For some, we may hurt someone through our words, or our actions.   With the lens of sex, we may feel guilty if we had sex.  Remember, feelings are NOT facts.  The circumstances around a sexual experience are what dictates if we did something wrong or not.  Two adults having sex out of wedlock isn’t wrong.  Having a sexual encounter outside of your monogamous relationship, yes, that probably should evoke a feeling of guilt.  Guilt can be a healthy emotion, as it can motivate individuals to take responsibility for their actions, make amends, and learn from their mistakes.  However, like any other emotions, it is important to know the function of guilt and not allow yourself to be consumed by it.  Allowing yourself to be consumed by guilt can cause you to stop growing or embracing other healthy emotions. 

Shame, on the other hand, is the feeling that you have done something wrong.  As a sex coach I often see shame come about from people with religious backgrounds (please keep in mind that this is just the simplest example, but there are many instances of shame and sexuality).  The social messages that come from religion often view sex as either an act of love and sanctimony or a simple and unforgivable act of smut.  I can’t stress enough that these messages are wrong.  Sex and fantasy can be many things, and yes, even healthy.  Our sense of identity is tied to worthiness, so if we have external or internal shame then our entire self is called into question.  It goes beyond feeling bad about one’s actions/thoughts; it is feeling bad about who you are as a person. In the context of sexuality, shame can lead individuals to feel inherently flawed, dirty, or undeserving/unworthy of pleasure or love.

For some, the thought can cause shame.   The action of being with someone or looking at erotic images can hold both guilt and shame. 

Shame surrounding one’s sexual identity or experiences can destroy self-esteem. This can make it difficult to engage in healthy relationships, communicate one’s needs and desires, or even seek out medical advice when needed. This shame can create a pattern of hiding, disconnection and continuing in relationships or experiences that are harmful to us. 

Studies have shown a strong link between sexual shame and sexual dysfunction. The fear of judgment, feelings of inadequacy, and self-consciousness can lead to difficulties in arousal, desire, and satisfaction.  Our sexual response cycle is not just a physical one.  The mind plays a huge role in our erotic experiences.  Shame can cause us to become so closed off, so much so that our bodies express this inner turmoil through the body.  This might look like not being able to achieve an orgasm or an erection.  It might show up as early (premature) ejaculation and countless other scenarios. 

Some individuals who are burdened by sexual shame, may engage in risky sexual behaviors, such as unprotected sex or promiscuity, as a way to cope with their feelings or “release the pressure.”  This can lead to negative health consequences, including the risk of sexually transmitted infections.   When I did sexual health testing, I was hardly ever worried about the person who was in touch with their sexual self.  It was often the person who had shame that I was worried about.  Shame can prevent us from talking about STI testing and safer sex practices with our partners.  Often, someone with sexual shame will “go along” with the experience to avoid an open dialogue about sex.  Those who are more sexually liberated can vocalize their last test, they can ask for PrEP if they need it or ask partners to use condoms. 

Shame can prevent individuals from seeking necessary sexual healthcare, including regular check-ups, screenings, or mental health support. This avoidance can have long-term consequences for physical and mental well-being.  There is that old adage “out of sight, out of mind” that’s not exactly true.  This mentality is nothing more than suppression.  The concerns, be it mental or physical, will grow. 

Societal stigma plays a significant role when it comes to increasing the feelings of shame surrounding sexuality.

This stigma often stems from cultural, religious, or societal norms that dictate what is considered “normal” or “acceptable” in terms of sexual behavior. Some key ways stigma impacts individuals are:

Heteronormativity: The expectation that everyone should conform to heterosexuality can make those with diverse sexual orientations feel shame and guilt, potentially causing them to hide their true selves.

Slut-Shaming: The act of shaming individuals, typically women, for being sexually active can lead to feelings of shame and guilt, which can impact self-esteem and self-worth.

Body Image Stigma: Unrealistic standards of beauty perpetuated in media and culture can lead to body shame, impacting an individual’s sexual confidence.

So… how do we break these chains?

It’s crucial to address and combat shame in our society, particularly regarding sexual matters. Here are some steps to break free from the shackles of shame:

Education: This is your greatest tool when it comes to combating sexual shame and/or guilt.  Learn about human sexuality and understand that it is a natural and diverse aspect of being human.  There really are rules when it comes to sex.  There is an actual declaration of sexual rights.  These rights are presented without bias, without judgment and should be for all.  You can read the full declaration here. 

Self-Acceptance: Accept yourself and your desires without judgment. You are not defined by your sexual experiences.  Fantasy is not reality and reality is not fantasy.  All desires can be experienced in healthy and consensual ways. 

Seek Support: Reading this article is a great first step, but it’s not the only step.  There are many services that are here to help you.  A sexologist can help you find proper sexual education and guide you through the labyrinth of sex.  Helping people work through their sexual concerns is my role.  It’s one that I’m honored to have. 

Challenge Stigma: Accepting ourselves can be hard, if you can’t accept yourself, maybe try to accept someone else and see that they (like you) can be sexual, seductive, liberated and worthy of love.

Shame and guilt are complex emotions that can significantly impact an individual’s sexual health. Understanding the difference and similarities between the two are important when it comes to recognizing the influence of internal and/or external stigma.  By embracing sexual education, self-acceptance, and challenging stigma, we can work towards a more inclusive and shame-free society where everyone can enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sexual life.

I invite anyone struggling with any aspects of your sexual expression to reach out to Cannabased Coaching and Wellness.  There is no reason to live in shame.

About the Author: Rick Garcia (he/him) is the owner of Cannabased Coaching & Wellness. Rick started his career in the healing arts as a licensed massage therapist in 2005. Looking for a shift he transitioned to HIV prevention and has worked in sexual health for 11 years. Realizing the gap in sexual health and sexual fulfillment Rick became a certified sex coach and sexologist so that he could help people explore their ideal sexual self while remaining as safe as possible. His sex coaching services are holistic and combine elements such as talk, somatic exercises, the MEBES model, cannabis and a variety of other modalities. When his wellness center opened he decided to have another arm available for massage therapy. To learn more about Rick’s services please visit www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com or contact him at cannabasedcoachingandwellness@gmail.com.

Emily Nagoski, a renowned sex educator and author, presents a different perspective in her book “Come As You Are.” She challenges the notion of the sexual escalator by introducing the concept of gas pedals and brakes. Nagoski’s model of sexual response focuses on two key elements: accelerators (gas pedals) and brakes. These are the factors that influence our sexual desire and response, and they can vary greatly from person to person.

Gas pedals represent the things that increase our sexual desire. These can be physical, emotional, or contextual triggers that make us feel turned on and ready for intimacy. They vary from person to person and can include things like physical touch, compliments, a romantic atmosphere, or certain fantasies. Brakes, on the other hand, are the factors that inhibit or slow down our sexual response. These can be stress, fatigue, relationship issues, body image concerns, or past traumas. Just as gas pedals vary from person to person, so do the brakes.

One of the key takeaways from Nagoski’s work is the importance of understanding your own unique gas pedals and brakes. This self-awareness can help you navigate your own desires and responses, as well as communicate effectively with your partner.

Self-Exploration:

Take time to explore what turns you on (your gas pedals) and what may hinder your desire (your brakes). Reflect on your past experiences and pay attention to the situations or circumstances that have either increased or decreased your desire. It may be helpful to work with a sex therapist to explore this area of yourself and move through brakes, if that is something you want to shift.

Open Communication:

Once you have a better understanding of your own gas pedals and brakes, it’s essential to share this information with your partner. Open and honest communication is key, and remember to hold your partner’s experience with curiosity and gentleness. It can be vulnerable to share this intimate information! If you are interested in learning more through Nagoski – she offers an accompanying workbook to Come As You Are that provides conversational prompts to explore more with your partner. 

Recognize Variability:

Remember that your gas pedals and brakes can vary from day to day. Stress from work, relationship conflicts, or physical health can all impact your sexual response. Understanding this variability can help reduce pressure and judgment in your sexual relationship. It can also prompt a deeper conversation about what other intimate activities can occur between parties when brakes occur. For example, one or both partners may be too tired or not interested in penetrative sex but do have enough energy for mutual masturbation or a naked cuddle with massage and caressing. This variance is easier to navigate if you begin to have more comfortability around sex “looking” many different ways.

Nagoski’s concept of gas pedals and brakes provides a valuable framework for understanding and navigating your own sexual response. By embracing this model and fostering open communication with your partner, you can create a more compassionate and fulfilling sexual relationship that takes into account the complexity of human desire. Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to sexuality, and it’s perfectly normal for your desires to ebb and flow. Sexual connection “success” has less to do with the “destination” and more about the journey you take with your partner along the way. Embrace your uniqueness and explore the rich landscape of your own desires with patience and empathy.

Reference:

Nagoski, E. (2022). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon and Schuster Paperbacks.

About the Author: TJ Dubovich is a marriage and family therapist at The Cannon Institute. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA + community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships. If you are interested in working with TJ – email or call The Cannon Institute at admin@thecannoninstitute.com / (720) 318-2450 for a free, 20-minute consultation. 

In a world filled with expectations and pressures, our sexual experiences often become centered around achieving the big “O”. However, by fixating solely on the orgasm, we overlook the ecstasy and depth of pleasure that can be found in moments of erotic abandonment. In this blog post, I want to explore the concept of erotic abandonment, challenge expectations, and explore what would happen if we shifted our sexual “performance” into a sexual experience.

Erotic abandonment refers to the act of surrendering to pleasure and fully immersing oneself in the sensual experience without preoccupying thoughts of performance or outcome.

Performance and outcome, those words will derail an erotic experience, fast. Think about it, when you’re performing, you’re doing exactly that, performing. Rather than getting lost in the experience, you’re acting rather than reacting. Focusing on the outcome does the same thing. If you know how to create the outcome then it’s easy to fall into a routine, so you’re not experiencing the abandonment, you’re just traveling the same road, over and over again. Erotic abandonment involves embracing vulnerability, exploring desires/fantasies, and allowing oneself to be present in the moment. By letting go of rigid expectations, we open ourselves to a world of pleasure that extends far beyond the climax.

Society and media often place too much importance on the orgasm, and that can cause us to think that the orgasm is the ultimate goal of sexual encounters. This narrow focus can create anxiety, pressure, and even feelings of inadequacy. By shifting our perspective and prioritizing pleasure over the orgasm itself, we can cultivate a more expansive and fulfilling sexual experience. Pleasure encompasses a broad spectrum of sensations, touch, connection, intimacy, and emotional vulnerability, which should be cherished and explored.

The importance of novelty, curiosity, and exploration within intimate relationships is the antidote. Erotic abandonment is found in the perfect balance of safety and adventure. Finding this balance will allow you to be free to explore. When you reach this point, you can move beyond routine and predictability and then you’ll be able to foster a deeper connection with your partners and yourself.

The use of cannabis in the context of intimacy has gained attention in recent years. When used responsibly with consent, intention and education, cannabis can potentially enhance sensuality and intimacy.

Its relaxation-inducing properties can help alleviate stress and anxiety, allowing individuals to fully embrace the present moment and heighten sensory experiences. However, it is crucial to note that the effects of cannabis can vary greatly between individuals and here is where cannabis coaching can help. In past posts I’ve talked about the endocannabinoid system, this system is different for everyone, so what the budtender tells you works for them may not work for you. Cannabis coaching can help you understand your own ECS and inform you on chemovars that work for you. This might be THC dominant, it might be CBD or CBG based. There is no hard and fast rule, just what works for you.

Buddhism teaches us to cultivate mindfulness, to be fully present and aware in each moment. This practice can be applied to our sexual encounters, enabling us to immerse ourselves in the pleasure and connection they offer.

By letting go of expectations, judgments, and attachment to outcomes, we can create a space for authentic exploration, vulnerability, and acceptance. Buddhism also emphasizes the importance of non-attachment, reminding us that pleasure is transient and impermanent, further encouraging us to savor and appreciate each experience as it unfolds.

Embracing erotic abandonment requires a shift in perspective—a conscious decision to move away from orgasm-centric expectations and toward a more holistic appreciation of pleasure. There is no one tool that will make everything better, change requires change. The above sounds easy, but it’s a process. Sometimes it’s easy, other times it’s hard. If you are looking to transcend your erotic experience then you should reach out and start the process with a coach who has your back. If you’re not ready for that, then that’s okay. Just remember that pleasure is a multifaceted and ever-evolving tapestry, awaiting our exploration and celebration, it doesn’t matter how it looks, just how it feels.

About the Author: Rick Garcia (he/him) is the owner of Cannabased Coaching & Wellness. Rick started his career in the healing arts as a licensed massage therapist in 2005. Looking for a shift he transitioned to HIV prevention and has worked in sexual health for 11 years. Realizing the gap in sexual health and sexual fulfillment Rick became a certified sex coach and sexologist so that he could help people explore their ideal sexual self while remaining as safe as possible. His sex coaching services are holistic and combine elements such as talk, somatic exercises, the MEBES model, cannabis and a variety of other modalities. When his wellness center opened he decided to have another arm available for massage therapy. To learn more about Rick’s services please visit www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com or contact him at cannabasedcoachingandwellness@gmail.com.

Whether or not you enjoy reading about sex, you probably have experienced this topic at some point in your life. Have you ever gone on a date with someone, or found yourself in a long-term relationship with someone with whom you had the most amazing chemistry? Intellectually you challenge each other without triggering one another, you are that couple that people look at with envy. It’s a picture perfect relationship and we are proud to show it to our family, to our friends, even to social media. It’s almost like we created a perfect reflection of the relationship we want. However, when we get behind closed doors it might be a different story. That amazing chemistry you have with your partner is now gone due to having different sexual expressions. This might show up as one partner wanting the more romantic, lights on, let’s make love scenario, while the other wants a darker, more primal way of expression. It could also look like one partner wanting sex often, and the other partner only wanting sex occasionally. This is more commonly known as Sexual Desire Discrepancy (SSD). Does this mean that your relationship is doomed? I won’t keep you in suspense much longer, the answer is maybe.

Before we get into the factors of how we sway a maybe to a yes or no, we should first look at sexuality and the role that plays on a personal level. I could give you averages of how often people have sex, or how often people have sexual fantasies, but what would that actually do? It would create a comparison for you to live up to, and that starts a snowball effect. If you are having sex below the national average, does that make you inferior? If you’re having sex more than the national average does that make you unhealthy? As people who live in polite society we want to know that we are normal, we want to feel that we are normal. The sheer reality is that there is no normal, there is only what is appropriate and healthy for YOU. Your sexual expression might be having sex once a month, but it’s mind-blowing sex for both you and your partner. There might be another couple who has sex 5 times a week, but that sex might be lackluster. You should focus on the quality of the sex, not the quantity.

Now the quality aspect, that can be a little trickier. It’s said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it doesn’t stop there. If all of us experience food the same way, then a menu would only have two options, if sex was meant to be had only one way then we wouldn’t have so many vast categories of fantasy and erotica.

Pleasure is a beautiful, natural and subjective experience. This experience is shaped by your hardwiring, the messages you received about pleasure and tons of other factors that are unique to you.

When I say pleasure I don’t just mean receiving, I also mean giving. Let’s go back to the above statement about one partner wanting to have a romantic encounter while the other one prefers their sexual encounters to be more primal. Neither partner is in the wrong, to be honest I commend both partners for having that understanding of their own personal sexual identity. But what happens when these identities will not seemingly function together? Several things could happen. As humans, we’d like to think it’s not us and we play the blame game. Spoiler alert; the blame game has no winners. Other times, we understand how much our partner means to us and we want to give empathy, so we put our own sexual expression and desires on hold to accommodate the other person. While I firmly believe this approach is beautiful and romantic, it often creates more problems than solutions. Suppressing our desire (or going past our comfort zone) to match someone else’s sexual rhythm creates a pressure cooker and over time the microaggressions will blow the lid right off.

People often think that a relationship consists of only two entities, Partner A and Partner B (unless you’re in an open/poly/ENM relationship). In actuality there are three entities in a relationship, Partner A, Partner B, and the Relationship itself. Who we are and how we approach our partner creates the Relationship entity. Remember, you and your partner chose each other because you appreciate who the person is. Not who they could be, not a romanticized idea in your head of who they should be, but who they actually are, this includes their sexual habits. If you and your partner can’t agree on the frequency of how often sex should happen, there are ways to make both parties happy. It might mean compromise, where you have sex only once a week, but there are tools to make that one night of sex amazing.

If one partner leans more towards kink and the other one leads more toward vanilla it might seem like a problem, but it’s actually not. We often think relationships have to have a perfect matching energy, and while that might be great for some people, it won’t give growth. When different energies are intentionally combined it can create a synergy, one that exists in the space of two separate entities. This space will give rise to growth and pleasure. Every sexual act, sexual desire, or sexual fantasy that you enjoy is just the tip of the iceberg, underneath the surface lies an emotion that is evoked with a desire or act. Understanding what you get out of that activity (or fantasy), gives a greater glimpse into yourself. Often, that emotional need can be replicated in other ways. Ways that both you and your partner can find pleasurable. Do you like to be tied up? Have you thought about what that scene gives you? Maybe it’s the feeling of the rope? Maybe it’s the safety you have with your partner that elevates the experience for you.

The above solutions can sway the maybe to a yes, but the solutions are also challenging, which can sway the answer to a no. Make no mistake, the solutions are work. Anything that is worth developing takes work.

It might be so complex that opening the relationship, poly and ethical non-monogamy are on the table, but if you want the relationship monogamous, then both partners will need to look inward and find a better understanding of why you like what you like, and then bring it back to your partner to find coexistence. Speaking with your partner about sex can leave both parties vulnerable (even if you talk about EVERYTHING else). If these vulnerable conversations are not done correctly neither partner will open up and the relationship as a whole suffers.

Trauma and stress can also play a huge part in sexual expression/frequency. Sex isn’t just procreating. It’s a space of erotic abandonment. To find this place, you have to feel safe to be free. Stress and trauma can make you want to go to this place, but they can also make you not feel safe, which can close you off.

No matter what circumstance is coming up for you; talking with someone can help you identify the cause of the sexual concern. If you are experiencing SSD, reach out to a sex coach or a sex therapist to get a better understanding of where the problem is, and then work together to create the ideal relationship where both you and your partner can flourish together. Sometimes, a couple will have to let the relationship go because of the differences. That isn’t always a bad thing. Going through this gives you a greater understanding of who you are and what you want your future relationship to look like.

I encourage anyone reading this post to reach out to me with any questions about sexual health. These posts are often made at the suggestion of clients. If you have a topic you would like to see explored you are welcome to reach out. www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com/ask-a-sex-coach

About the Author: Rick Garcia (he/him) is the owner of Cannabased Coaching & Wellness. Rick started his career in the healing arts as a licensed massage therapist in 2005. Looking for a shift he transitioned to HIV prevention and has worked in sexual health for 11 years. Realizing the gap in sexual health and sexual fulfillment Rick became a certified sex coach and sexologist so that he could help people explore their ideal sexual self while remaining as safe as possible. His sex coaching services are holistic and combine elements such as talk, somatic exercises, the MEBES model, cannabis and a variety of other modalities. When his wellness center opened he decided to have another arm available for massage therapy. To learn more about Rick’s services please visit www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com or contact him at cannabasedcoachingandwellness@gmail.com.

This young woman started sex coaching to help her come to terms with her sexuality. For as long as she could remember she had a fascination with women, a respect for women, and was often enchanted with the company of women. At the time of our meeting she had only been sexually active with men and found more and more that she was experiencing inner turmoil with her own feelings. When we sat down to talk, we explored the messages around sex/sexuality that she received from caregivers and those around her (school, friends, religion, TV shows/movies she watched, etc.). She confirmed what I thought, which was that she was taught attraction should only be felt towards those of the opposite sex, and that is where the confusion is coming in for her. When she felt feelings for another woman, she would just shut it down rather than be in that space of figuring out her feelings. This was the base of an amazing and transformative conversation.

Before we get to the transformative aspect, I want to explore the commonalities that my client has with so many people. We all have an ego (not the arrogant kind), that conscious part of us who has been shaped by our experiences, our upbringings, the messages we receive from society, etc. That ego is what guides us day to day. Most people are given the “birds and the bees” talk from our caregivers or school, and often those conversations are not what they should be. It’s easy to be told, “this is who you’re attracted to. This is when you have sex. This is how you have sex. If you don’t, then this is what will happen to you.”

There are often gaps in this education; this brief education manages to take something beautiful and complex and reduces it to something binary, scary and overly simple.

Binary thinking leads to a binary path. The problem with any path is that they often don’t go in a straight line and without proper sexual health education, any deviation is considered deviant. But what if deviation and deviant are separate things?  The simple truth is that they are separate things.  Deviation, can be healthy, healing and rewarding.  Deeper questions to ask are: Can I adore someone for who they are?  Where is the line between admiring someone and being attracted to them?  What are the implications if you’re a heterosexual male and say that you find another man attractive?  Does that mean you’re not straight?  Does that mean that attraction translates to an immediate need to have sex with the object of desire?  Can a woman be enthralled with another woman and not want to sleep with her?  Can someone who is non-binary and only dates other non-binary people feel sexual attraction to a cis-male or cis-female?

Now, back to my client. We talked about her past and her feelings. She had so much fascination with other women that she often avoided friendships due to the implications it could have. She couldn’t’ understand the overlap these subjects have or how to deal with it, so, she chose to close off. Imagine blocking off your life to the point where you declined what might have been a meaningful friendship, or a wise mentor. I decided to ask my client about sexual desire, had she ever felt that for a woman? To her shock, she didn’t,. She never even thought about it. She just assumed she was bisexual. She could make a long list of women that she loved or admired (for both beauty and mind) but other than one celebrity crush she couldn’t think of a woman she wanted to have sex with. Avoiding confusing feelings caused her so much pain and blocks, which led her to question her own sexuality. When she saw me, her biggest concern was wanting to know, “Am I bisexual?” I’m a great coach, but I can’t answer that for anyone. Only you know how you feel. I’m there to ask questions, guide you and support you. What I will tell you is that it takes more than a thought or a fantasy to make you bisexual. According to the Kinsey scale we are all somewhere on the spectrum with very few of us being perfectly heterosexual or gay.

Sexuality is a funny thing.  We are humans and we LOVE to put everything into a category.  Straight, gay, lesbian, bi, demisexual, pansexual, the list goes on and I feel like I take a course every six months to learn the new terms.  However, I have met so many people whose sexual behaviors don’t match their sexual orientation. I’ve also met people who just say an orientation to put others at ease, but deep down, they know who they want and aren’t scared of it, or feel a need to defend it, or even label it.

At the end of the day, we are all humans, we think, we feel, we hurt, we laugh, we cry, we evolve. 

Even as evolved as we are (or like to think we are) we still have base desires and instincts.  Signals from the brain, chemicals and impulses make us up.  Yes, you are a walking made to order cocktail that changes from moment to moment.  You might react to someone’s scent, someone’s mind, someone’s look.  Could it be something more than a reaction?  Maybe?  Maybe not?  If you are adhering to the declaration of sexual rights, then what does it really matter?  My client’s case was a simple but beautiful one. I simply gave her permission to feel what she feels.  It is okay for her to align herself with women she admires, that she finds beautiful or interesting. Maybe she will have sexual feelings, maybe not, but one thing that will happen is that she will live her life in a way that is fulfilling to her. 

Attraction, admiration and adoration can of course overlap, but they are all separate things.  Rather than be scared of the implications, allow yourself to see someone beautiful, someone fascinating or someone interesting.  If it evolves into more, then you have people to talk to, and if it doesn’t, then nothing was lost, but think of what would be gained: A friend?  A teacher?  A lover?  Now, is that really that bad?

About the Author: Rick Garcia (he/him) is the owner of Cannabased Coaching & Wellness. Rick started his career in the healing arts as a licensed massage therapist in 2005. Looking for a shift he transitioned to HIV prevention and has worked in sexual health for 11 years. Realizing the gap in sexual health and sexual fulfillment Rick became a certified sex coach and sexologist so that he could help people explore their ideal sexual self while remaining as safe as possible. His sex coaching services are holistic and combine elements such as talk, somatic exercises, the MEBES model, cannabis and a variety of other modalities. When his wellness center opened he decided to have another arm available for massage therapy. To learn more about Rick’s services please visit www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com or contact him at cannabasedcoachingandwellness@gmail.com.