Here is my take: A boundary is a relational strategy to honor our emotional experience in response to someone else’s behavior. This definition is vague for a reason – boundaries are nuanced and can vary in structure, urgency, and style depending on the situation. They can also vary among your connections, depending on the relationship. For example, someone may feel the need to place a boundary for themselves on the type of tv their partner watches. If one partner loves watching MMA, and the other partner finds MMA to be stressful due to the violence, a boundary may look like: “I am going to hang out in a different place in the home when MMA is being shown on tv”. In contrast, if there is contempt coming from your partner in a conflict, a boundary may look like: “I need to leave the space right now and will not return until you’ve cooled down and stopped name-calling me”. Both are boundaries but are quite different in nature. They differ in the gravity and immediacy of the situation and may be implemented in varying ways depending on the relationship of the person you are setting them with.

As a relationship therapist, I focus on boundaries from the perspective of how they exist within a romantic partnership. The most important thing to understand in boundary work is that it is NOT an attempt to control or change your partners’ behavior. It is an action that you make in response to your partner’s decisions or behaviors.

In an article by VeryWell Health – they provide some sample scripts to help in expressing a variety of different types of boundaries (Brooten-Brooks, 2022)

Use “I” statements:

• I feel _____ when _____ is said to me.
• When this happens ______, I feel_____.

When you feel disrespected:

• I don’t like the way I’m being spoken to right now.
• I would like to talk about this, but now is not the right time.
• I would prefer to discuss this when we can be calmer about it.

Buy yourself some time:

• I’m not sure right now. Can I come to you once I’ve thought about it?
• I need more time to think, but I will get back to you.

When you want to say “no” with a little more explanation:

• I would love to, but my plate is really full right now.
• I would if I could, but I’m unable to help with that right now.
• I really appreciate the invitation, but I’m not interested in participating.

Seeking consent with sexual boundaries:

• Are you okay with this?
• Do you want to continue?
• Are you comfortable if I ____?

While boundaries serve as a way to protect your needs, they also can be used ineffectively or even can cause harm. In an article by Lissa Carter (2023), she states “If the boundary is in service to avoidance, escape, defensiveness, or power consolidation, revisit your boundary strategy. If the boundary is in service to sovereignty, relational integrity, or self-compassion, take care of yourself and keep going”. When placing a boundary with your partner, consider who/what it is actually serving, and if this is a reason to not compromise or a real lack of capacity or ability to engage.

Lastly, boundaries are hard. They are complicated and there is no one “right” way to implement or construct boundaries. Give yourself grace when exploring boundaries in your relationship and speak to your needs and wants while trying to maintain respect for your partner’s experience. Boundaries help relationships thrive when we engage in them from a thoughtful and compassionate place.

References:
Brooten-Brooks, M. (2022, January 24). How to set healthy boundaries. Verywell Health. https://www.verywellhealth.com/setting-boundaries-5208802

Carter, L. (2023). There is no easy way to set a boundary. Inner Light Counseling Collective. https://www.innerlightasheville.com/news/2023/3/18/how-to-set-and-maintain-a-boundary

About the Author: Tristan (TJ) Dubovich is a marriage and family therapy intern at People House. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships.

I think of the coming of fall as a time when agricultural societies traditionally harvested their crops and prepared to store them for leaner months. I think of leaves beginning to droop on branches and their trees considering the right time to let them go. I think of cooler mornings and earlier evenings creating the space necessary to transition without haste. This kind of rhythm is what I yearn to attune to, and yet it feels so difficult to embody in a modern lifestyle.

Jung is quoted as saying, “[Man] feels himself isolated in the cosmos. He is no longer involved in nature and has lost his emotional participation in natural events, which hitherto had a symbolic meaning for him.”^[1] I want to retrieve my “emotional participation” and ensure that it is being dispersed with discernment. How can I set the boundaries necessary to refine my life’s purpose at this moment in time? The origin of the word “refine” means to “bring or reduce to a pure state or a condition of purity as full as possible”. What aspects of your life can you refine so that you are rededicated to the pure intention of your heart?

Below are some practices that I use in my own life, and instead of attempting to implement them all, I encourage you to implement the one that feels most resonant.

Tips for Refinement

1. Notice how your body feels when you are requested to commit to something.

When I am at capacity emotionally and/or physically, I tend to feel anxiety when someone requests something of me. The anxiety manifests as a dropping stomach, increased heart rate, looping thoughts, or rapid temperature fluctuations. When I am feeling more available, there is a feeling of lightness, openness, and warmth in my chest and stomach. My thoughts are calm, and there is a desire to move towards the request. Observe your emotional/physical state at the time of a request, and you will know what your current capacity is.

2. Pause before immediately responding to a request.

This is one that I actively struggle with because there seems to be a cultural expectation that any communication must be responded to immediately upon receipt although constant communication is a relatively new phenomenon. I know that I am ungrounded when I respond “YES!” to a request and immediately feel resentful of the space it is taking up on my calendar. If the matter is time sensitive, I will try to say something like, “Thanks for thinking of me! Let me look at my calendar and get back to you”. If I feel unclear about what my communication should be, I will come back to it after a day or longer. Most things are not in fact an emergency.

3. Take stock of all the priorities that are already occurring in your life before committing to another one.

Similarly related to #2, it’s important to be aware of what you are already doing in the “pause” you are creating for yourself. Different commitments occur at different intervals and take up different amounts of time. Is the request a one-time commitment or a recurring one? How does the request fit into your current and anticipated daily/weekly schedule? A practice that I have lovingly borrowed from my husband is to make an itemized list of all of my commitments for the next four months and to assess how the request may or may not fit into my schedule. Many times, I have realized how “full” my life already is after this exercise even though a specific day may feel uneventful.

4. Understand your limitations.

This one is a tough pill to swallow but will save you burnout and illness in the long run. As an empath and highly sensitive person, I have learned the hard way that I do not have the same capacity as other people. If I do not carve out regular time to decompress by myself, I become exhausted and irritable. If I can get it, I need one full day a week without any commitments or responsibilities. If I can’t manage that, I need at least one evening a week without any events scheduled. Knowing what you’re capable of is the purest form of self-respect, and “NO” is a word that we all could learn to use more.

^[1]Reproduced in Meredith Sabini (ed.), The Earth Has a Soul: The Nature Writings of C.G. Jung. Berkeley: North Atlantic Books (2002), 79-80.

Marielle Grenade-Willis is a current counselor with People House and has a MA from University of Colorado – Denver. With a B.A. in Sociology/Anthropology and a background in dance, dramatic, and vocal performance, she applies a somatic and systemic approach to the individualized work of counseling. Marielle works from a client-centered, experiential, narrative, and trauma-informed perspective with her individual clients. Prior to People House, she worked extensively in nonprofits focused on animal conservation, food access, and refugee welfare; and has had her poems read and published throughout the Front Range and beyond.

What I wish I had said is this. 

Ideally, what happens in counseling is that for perhaps the first time in your life, you are treated with unconditional acceptance, and if you can trust this feeling of being accepted, even just a little bit, you might start to realize that who you are is really okay. That you are a human among humans, not worth more or less than anyone else, and that you don’t need to do or buy anything more to finally be “good enough.” A therapist provides the conditions that nurture the seed of “good enough” that no one and nothing can take away. Slowly that seed grows into a distinct sense of “liking” yourself, a feeling of pleasure at being you and a wish to continue to get to know yourself better. This feeling of enjoying being you is what fills life with joy and meaning and playfulness and allows you to embrace even the painful and disappointing parts of life. 

So why should anyone go to a perfect stranger and tell them their most well-kept secrets? Why would anyone share their shame, their despair, their loneliness, their deepest fears with someone who gets paid from this arrangement? 

Unconditional positive regard, that’s why. 

Unconditional positive regard is a concept introduced by Carl Rogers, the psychologist who developed Person-Centered Therapy. It is the full acceptance for people as we are, and with full respect for our autonomy and basic goodness. While not all behaviors humans choose are acceptable, we possess inherent worth no matter what we do or say. Rogers believed that feeling accepted and understood is a key component of change and that therapists oriented in this direction create the conditions that allow their clients to move in a positive direction chosen by the clients themselves rather than imposed by the therapist. Research has shown this to be true and Rogers’ core conditions are taught to therapists in training as necessary conditions for a therapeutic relationship.

I experienced unconditional positive regard in almost every therapeutic relationship I’ve had over the past twenty years. For many years of my life, I have suffered with near constant anxiety and shame whenever in the company of others. Because I had no idea how to “be”, I often blushed, sweated, and stammered, or else I stayed silent to avoid the embarrassment of showing my insecurities. Finally in my 20s, I sought professional help and I’d like to tell you my anxiety resolved quickly. It didn’t; I had a long way to go, and I still do. But what started as a relationship with a therapist who accepted me and even liked me, for no good reason that I could see, eventually grew to include more people. I started to reveal myself and tell the truth to important people and I began to show up without a “mask” when I met new people, facing my fears of judgment and rejection. Over time, I was able to recognize when and with whom I didn’t feel accepted and I learned to choose my friends and relationships carefully. I developed a thicker skin (stronger boundaries) to protect myself when I couldn’t avoid judgment or embarrassment. Ultimately, I began to take better care of myself and began to treat myself with more respect and compassion. This, of course, is ongoing work, the work of a lifetime. 

Can’t friends give friends unconditional positive regard? 

Of course. If you have friends and family who can genuinely set aside their own judgments and evaluations in order to accept your full autonomy and responsibility for your own choices, that’s wonderful! But therapists are not friends or family, and friends and family–even if they are therapists– are not your therapist. Your friends and family love and care for you, but healthy personal relationships persist because they are mutually beneficial. For several years in college, I dated a guy who was abusive. My roommate, a really close friend at the time, finally ran out of patience for comforting me through repeated breakups with this person, only to find I continued to get back together with him. Ultimately I lost the friendship because I asked something of her she couldn’t give. It hurt and exhausted her to watch me cycle through the same pattern over and over again, and in order to protect herself, she had to distance herself from me. I didn’t know about counseling back then, but a therapist would’ve been able to stay in relationship with me while I sorted out what kept me in this abusive relationship. Friends and family, well meaning as they are, may simply not have the experience handling the suffering of others, and using them for this purpose may burn out the relationship over time. Therapists have years of professional training and experience that allow them to sit with the pain clients share, so you can trust what you bring to your therapist will remain confidential* and that your therapist will be able to stay with you in your struggle rather than turn away or try to fix it. Therapists are trained to walk with you in your experience, nonjudgmentally and skillfully, so that you can come to accept and understand yourself and move forward in your life. 

Counseling offers so many benefits — new tools, new insights and perspectives, accountability — but when I try to boil it down to the most powerful factor for me personally, it is unconditional positive regard: the therapeutic assumption that each of us is fundamentally good, that we mean well and will naturally move in a positive direction given that we feel accepted, understood, and free to explore our experience with another human being. 

*There are some exceptions to confidentiality in the case of imminent risk of harm to self or others, abuse or neglect of a child or elder, and when there is a court order to release information. 

People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds. 

― Carl R. Rogers, A Way of Being

Lauren Black Affordable Counseling Program Intern

I’ll never forget my high school math teacher who said, “choices have consequences; make good choices.” Easier said than done! If you’re finding yourself making choices that are moving you further from your goals, you are not alone. Therapy can help you uncover the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that might be holding you back and discover your motivations for change. My own experiences in therapy led me to change careers; I earned my Master’s Degree in Counseling and have worked with people rebuilding their lives after consequences related to substance abuse and criminal charges. All issues and identities welcomed.

LaurenBlack@peoplehouse.org; 307-509-0642

I stood on the cliffside of the Baltit Fort in Hunza, Pakistan, as the wind howled and whipped snow flurries through the peaks of the towering Hindu Kush Mountains surrounding me.  It was off-season, so I had that barren rock face to myself. My family had moved on inside.

The boom of an avalanche broke my reverie, its cracks echoing through those peaks of upwards to 20,000 feet. Mesmerized, I watched it slide—from a safe distance—and felt the ice crystals hit my face as it crashed and plummeted down that valley. 

This was no deliberate avalanche so humans could safely ski, but untameable wildness.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Mary Oliver

Bill Plotkin, author of Soulcraft: Crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche, says that, “Spirituality is that sphere of experience that lies beyond the commonplace world of our surface lives and that opens our awareness to the ultimate and core realities of existence.” He says there are two realms of spirituality, distinct but complementary, and that either one alone is incomplete.

One form turns upward toward the light. It aids us in overcoming our ego’s insistence that the world be a certain way, it helps us quiet our cognitive tendencies so that we can be fully present to the moment, and connects us cosmically to all that is. Our monotheistic religions—Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, as well as Buddhism and Hinduism—focus on this transcendent aspect of spirituality.  

Plotkin’s other idea of spirituality does not go upward toward the light, but downward toward our individual selves and into the rich mysteries of nature. 

Plotkin says we descend into our soul (2), which he defines as that “vital, mysterious, and wild core of our individual selves, an essence unique to each person, qualities found in layers of the self much deeper than our personalities.” Our tribal and pagan religions, depth psychology, and nature point us to this descent. 

What is precious inside us does not care to be known by the mind in ways that diminish its presence. David Whyte

Our soul is our inner wilderness, our psychic territory we know least about. And just as our society has eliminated wilderness in nature, so we are conditioned to avoid the wilderness of our soul, the deepest mysteries of who we are, our shadows. We fear and avoid the wild outdoors—such as the snakes, the insects, the animals that prowl in the dark. 

And so we avoid our inner wildness through addictions, consumerism, and rigid belief systems that keep those wild questions at bay, that keep those inner doors tightly locked.

But nature breaks in on us in all her wildness: wild calls to wild. Mindfully remember those times when nature drew forth a physical or an emotional response from you. Ask your higher self what within you was responding to that wildness. What wanted recognized within you? What power? What mystery? In those moments, our souls short circuit our brains, our thinking apparatus. We are made of the same stuff.

This wildness does not mean we harm ourselves or others around us. We still set boundaries to protect our health. 

Spirituality is less about doing and more about being our truest, most authentic self everywhere we go. People House Philosophy

Powerful ocean waves pounding the shore; a snowy, windy whiteness; hiking in a canyon; mountains marching endlessly into the horizon—what is it that makes your skin tingle? When nature floods your being with all its awe-inspiring magnificence, trust the process. Let the experience change you; don’t analyze it but delight in it. Ask yourself what dark or scary path you avoid that your soul is pushing you toward. Or what soul-inspired endeavor you are meant to explore. Remember that in the depths of who you are, you are responding to kinship.

Sit mindfully with these memories and any spiritual transformation they may be pointing to. Jon Kabat-Zinn has defined mindfulness meditation as “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and nonjudgmentally.”

_____

Notes & Sources: 

1. Plotkin, Bill. Soulcraft: Crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche. New World Library; 2003. pg. 24.

2. Following Plotkin in this, I am not using the word soul to refer to a substance that exists independently of the body, that may be reincarnated, or that might leave the body after death. That’s not to say those actions don’t occur. I’m just not using the word in that way. 

_______

About the Author: Rev. Mary Coday Edwards is a Spiritual Growth Facilitator and People House Minister. A life-long student of spirituality, Mary spent almost 20 years living, working and sojourning abroad in Asia, Southeast Asia, East Africa, and Latin America before finding her spiritual connection at People House and completing its Ministerial Program. Past studies include postgraduate studies from the University of South Africa in Theological Ethics/Ecological Justice, focusing on the spiritual and physical interconnectedness of all things. With her MA in Environmental Studies from Boston University, abroad she worked and wrote on environmental sustainability issues at both global and local levels, in addition to working in refugee repatriation.