In the last post, we looked at the importance of identifying and expressing our core needs (previous blog link here). In this final blog, we’ll explore the last component of NVC: learning how to make compassionate requests and speak our needs clearly. 

Review of the Four Components

To review, NVC includes four essential components:

1. Observation – Describing what is happening without judgment.
2. Feelings – Naming how we feel in response to what we observe.
3. Needs – Identifying the unmet needs underlying those feelings.
4. Request – Asking for an action that might meet those needs.

Now we’ll explore how to put all these steps into action by making clear, respectful, and actionable requests.

What Is a Compassionate Request?

A compassionate request is not about controlling someone else’s behavior. It’s an open invitation, an expression of your needs paired with a concrete, doable action that someone might take to help meet that need. Unlike a demand, a request creates space for choice.

Requests in NVC are:

• Specific – They focus on a clear, observable action.
• Present or near-term – They ask for something realistic and timely.
• Open to “no” – They respect the other person’s autonomy.

For example, instead of saying, “I want you to respect me,” you might say, “Would you be willing to let me finish speaking before responding?” This version offers clarity and invites cooperation rather than resistance.

Why Requests Can Be Difficult

Many of us struggle to ask for what we need. We fear rejection or we may feel guilty for making a request in the first place. Some of us have learned to put others’ needs first, while also ignoring or suppressing our own desires. As a result, we may rely on indirect or passive methods, hoping others will guess what we need or expecting them to notice without being told.

The problem is that unmet needs rarely resolve themselves in silence and rely heavily on the assumption that others can pick what we’re needing without us asking them. And when we don’t make direct requests, we risk building resentment, misunderstanding, or miscommunication. But when we clearly express what we need, we give others the opportunity to show up with care. 

The irony here is that although it is scary to make a request, our needs are more likely to be  met when we do so.

Requests vs. Demands

One of the core shifts in NVC is learning to recognize the difference between a request and a demand. A demand implies that there will be negative consequences if the other person says no. This often triggers defensiveness or fear.

In contrast, a true request comes with the understanding that the other person has a choice. It holds space for a “no,” and trusts that if our request is met, it will be met willingly and with the other’s consent and cooperation.

If you feel angry or resentful when someone says “no,” it may indicate that your request was actually a demand. In those moments, it can help to reconnect with your core need and consider other ways it might be met.

How to Make Compassionate Requests

When you’re ready to make a request, try this simple structure:

“When I see/hear __________,
I feel __________,
because I need __________.
Would you be willing to __________?”

Here are a few examples:

• “When meetings run late, I feel overwhelmed because I need more structure. Would you be willing to help us start on time?”
• “When I opened up and you changed the subject, I felt dismissed because I needed to feel heard. Would you be willing to ask more questions when I share?”
• “I’ve been feeling stretched thin lately. I need more support. Would you be open to helping with dinner this week?”

Requests like these are respectful, actionable, and grounded in your needs. They give the other person a clear pathway to respond with care, rather than relying on ambiguity or assumption. 

Final Thoughts

Making requests may feel awkward or vulnerable at first, especially if you’re not used to asking for what you need. But with time and practice, this kind of communication becomes more natural and easier to incorporate into daily life. 

To recap, compassionate communication involves:

• Observing without judgment.
• Feeling your emotions without blame.
• Identifying the needs beneath those emotions.
• Requesting specific actions with clarity and kindness.

Each of these steps invites deeper self-awareness and richer connection. They allow us to express what matters to us, while also honoring the needs of others. This is the heart of compassionate communication.

Thank you for walking through this series with me. I hope it’s offered insight, encouragement, and practical tools for strengthening your relationships through the application of the four principles of compassionate communication. 

If you enjoyed this series and want to learn more about Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I highly recommend Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. The book dives into all the principles listed here, but in greater detail, depth, and clarity. 

About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at kevin@resilientkindness.com

In the last blog, we identified the importance of objectively observing our experience and circumstances and then connecting it very specifically to how we feel (previous blog link here). In this blog post, we’ll move onto the third component of the nonviolent communication framework – identifying our core needs.

Review of Key Components

For review, Rosenberg’s framework, nonviolent communication has four components that when used together create connection and foster collaboration. The four components are: 

1. Observation – Separating observations from evaluations. This means describing what is happening without judgment or interpretation.
2. Feelings – Expressing how you feel in response to the situation, rather than how you think or what you interpret.
3. Needs – Identifying the unmet needs that are causing the feelings. This helps to express what’s driving the emotion.
4. Request – Making a specific, actionable request that might fulfill the need.

Identifying Needs

If we are able to observe our interactions with others and identify how we are actually feeling, then the next logical step is to identify the need beneath the feeling. Our emotions often arise when a core need is not being met. 

We get angry because our need to be heard and understood is not being met; we get sad and overwhelmed because our need for stability is not being honored; we feel anxious because we need reassurance.

Rosenberg breaks down our core needs into six categories: autonomy, connection, meaning, peace, physical well-being, and play. I’d encourage you to click on this link and look over the list to familiarize yourself with each category and the needs within them. 

Just like with emotions, expanding our language to identify our needs is a vital skill in compassionate communication. The more words we have for our emotions and needs, the more precise we will be able to communicate them to others,

Roadblocks

However, it is a complex task to be able to take the time and space to actually identify the need beneath the feeling. In fact, when someone communicates harshly or directly with us we can resort to blaming ourselves or the other person. Blame is a defensive reaction when we are confronted with difficult truths or hard conversations; and although it may feel valid at the time, blame, judgement, or criticism all alienate us from our own needs and values.

For example, we might say out of frustration, “You never understand me.” In framing our communication this way, it places blame on and defers responsibility to the other person. It is also an indirect way of expressing our needs, which are more likely to cause you or the other person to shut down and react defensively. In the example above, the real need is the desire to be seen, heard, and understood. 

The Vulnerability Inherent in Expressing our Needs

Blame, guilt, or criticism are all indirect or passive-aggressive means of communicating what we actually need. And although well-intentioned, they usually create more harm, confusion, and disconnect. 

Yet there is a certain vulnerability to acknowledging and identifying our needs. By acknowledging our needs, we invite the possibility that our needs are worthwhile; and more importantly that we are worthwhile. 

Many of us were taught that needs don’t matter and we must always look after the needs of others to the neglect of ourselves. It takes a great deal of bravery to create enough space within yourself to acknowledge, identify, and communicate these needs to others.

The silver-lining in all this is that the more direct and precise we are in communicating our needs, the more likely we are to be met with compassion and the more likely our needs will be met. It is certainly a risk to communicate our needs, but the connection it can cause is absolutely worth the discomfort and vulnerability.

How to Communicate Your Needs

Communicating our needs, like our emotions, may feel like a foreign language to you right now, so it’s best to start with a simple, easy to remember formula. Basically all you do is connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need…”

Some examples:

• “I feel angry when you say that I’m not reliable because I need to feel heard and respected by you.”
• “I feel discouraged because I would have liked to have progressed further in my work by now.”
• “I’m sad you won’t be coming for dinner because I was hoping we could spend the evening together.”

Conclusion

Good communication takes practice and self-awareness. It arises through observing what’s happening, identifying what you’re feeling, and then communicating the need beneath that feeling. It may feel choppy at first, but over time compassionate communication will become automatic as you lean into a more enhanced way of connecting and relating to others.

In the last blog, we identified the roadblocks that often get in the way of understanding and collaboration in our communication – namely judgment, comparison, denial of responsibility, and making demands (previous blog link here). In this blog post, we’ll move onto the key components of non-violent communication. 

Key Components

In Rosenberg’s framework, nonviolent communication has four components that when used together create connection and foster collaboration. The four components are: 

1. Observation – Separating observations from evaluations. This means describing what is happening without judgment or interpretation.
2. Feelings – Expressing how you feel in response to the situation, rather than how you think or what you interpret.
3. Needs – Identifying the unmet needs that are causing the feelings. This helps to express what’s driving the emotion.
4. Request – Making a specific, actionable request that might fulfill the need. 

For today’s blog, we’ll be focusing and expanding on the first two steps – observing without evaluating and identifying and expressing feelings. 

Observing without Evaluating

The first step in developing compassionate communication is to try and objectively observe the situation, rather than evaluating or applying judgment.

When something bothers us or a need of ours is not being met, we can rush to make evaluations and generalizations about the other person (e.g., “You’re too lazy”, “He’s always late”). But these evaluations often come off as critical and demeaning, resulting in the other person feeling resistance and reluctance towards the person we’re trying to communicate with. 

To counter this human tendency to rush to judgment, Rosenberg stresses the need to make observations that are specific to time and context. For example, rather than saying, “You’re too lazy and don’t contribute to the relationship,” you would say, “Over the last week, I’ve done the dishes the last three nights by myself.” Or rather than saying, “You’re rude”, you would say, “You raised your voice and rolled your eyes.”

The point here is that in order for communication to be effective we first have to identify specific observations tied to time and context instead of resorting to exaggeration, generalization, or judgement. By doing this, we take responsibility for our words, making our communication more likely to foster openness and collaboration.

Identifying and Expressing Feelings 

The second step is to learn to identify and express how we are feeling. Identifying and expressing your feelings is a vital skill because it helps you connect with yourself and others. And by expressing how we feel, we show vulnerability, which in turn can help resolve conflicts and create greater collaboration. 

However, this is a skill that can be quite difficult for many of us to develop, primarily because we don’t have the vocabulary or inner awareness to describe how we are actually feeling. Most of the time we resort to words or statements that describe thoughts, assessments, or interpretations, rather than expressing our true feelings. This is partly because in the English language we frequently use the phrase, “I feel…” to describe thoughts or judgments, rather than actual feelings. For example, “I feel I should have gotten that job” communicates a thought and would better be communicated as “I think I should have gotten that job.” Another pitfall is that we don’t always need to use the word “feel” to describe our feelings. Rather than saying, “I feel sad,” we can simply say, “I’m sad.” 

The alternative to these pitfalls is to choose words that refer to specific emotions. The English language has a plethora of words to describe feeling states, with each word having a slightly different nuance and meaning. For example, the general feeling of sadness becomes more specific and expansive when we use different words like despairing, lonely, or regretful. By changing the vocabulary we use, we can capture more of our experience and communicate it better to others. 

I’d encourage you to check out this full list of feelings (link here) that describe a wide array of emotional states. By looking at this sheet and familiarizing yourself with different feelings, you’ll begin to be able to increase your ability to articulate your feelings, which will vastly improve your communication in your relationships. 

In the next blog post, I’ll continue expanding on the final two steps to bring everything together, so that you can practice and master the art of compassionate communication. 

About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at kevin@resilientkindness.com

In this four-part series, I will be exploring the topic of communication and expanding on ways you can foster compassionate communication that will enrich your lives and relationships. I will be using Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s framework of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and highly suggest the reader pick up a copy of Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. 

For this first post, I will be exploring ways our language can get in the way of compassionate communication. In subsequent posts, I will unpack the four components of NVC and ways you can effectively apply these principles in your life and relationships. 

Roadblocks to Compassionate Communication

Moralistic Judgments 

According to Rosenberg, one of the primary ways we prevent compassionate communication is when we impose moralistic judgements on others. This way of perceiving others is deeply impersonal and seeks to categorize others into what we evaluate to be “right” or “wrong.” 

By reacting this way, we implicitly criticize and dehumanize the other, making them feel undervalued. And when one feels undervalued, they are likely to respond from a place of resistance and defensiveness, making it difficult to foster authentic connection.

In some instances, people will respond to our judgment and will change their behavior. But this change is motivated by fear, guilt, or shame and is not conducive towards personal growth or enrichment. 

We’ve all likely been criticized and have felt the negative impact  of other’s judgment (e.g., “You’re lazy,” “You don’t listen”, “You’re too controlling.”). And the tragic irony of these expressions is they actually communicate our needs in an indirect, albeit harmful way. For example, the judgement, “You don’t listen” may actually be communicating, “I feel sad and frustrated when we speak and am wanting to feel more understood and seen.”

Comparison

A second barrier occurs when we compare ourselves to others. Comparison causes us to pick apart and analyze, leading us to feel miserable about ourselves and critical of others, leading to a mutual block in compassion and understanding. 

Denial of Responsibility

A further barrier is when we communicate in a way that denies our personal responsibility. It is easy to blame others or circumstances when we become frustrated or angry, but when we point the finger we instill feelings of guilt or wrongness in the other, placing the burden of change on them.

Denial of responsibility can also manifest in subtle ways when we divert responsibility to outside forces, pressures, authorities, or expectations. Each of these are beyond our control and are an easy way to justify a lack of responsibility in our actions. 

However, by taking ownership of our words, feelings, and actions, we invite the possibility of change. Rather than submitting ourselves to forces beyond our control, we can actively choose how to respond to the frustrations or difficulties life throws at us; and in doing so, create more space for compassionate communication, collaboration, and change. 

Making Demands

A final roadblock is when we make demands of others. To make a demand communicates the threat of blame or punishment – basically, a demand communicates, “If you don’t do this there will be consequences.” It communicates that certain behaviors are deserving of reward, whereas others are deserving of punishment. 

The reality is we cannot make people do anything. And if we resort to force, punishment, or authority to get what we want, then we isolate the other and dehumanize them. They act according to our will not out of their own desire, but from a place of fear and an avoidance of punishment. Making demands not only alienates us from the humanity of others, but it also alienates us from ourselves.

Conclusion

Rosenberg labels each of these roadblocks as “life-alientating communication” since they separate us from our natural state of curiosity and compassion. By judging, comparing, denying responsibility, or making demands, we end up hurting ourselves and others. 

Yet there is a path forward, a path that allows for compassion, curiosity, and clarity to be cultivated in our communication and relationships. And this path forward will be the topic of my next post.

About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at kevin@resilientkindness.com

The dynamics that are created when a couple is not able to accept difference can be complex, but one significant way that I have viewed in my clients is what I call the “loss of good intent” within the relationship. When there is mutual respect and understanding between partners, there usually is an ability to not view behaviors stemming from differences as a malicious attempt.

For example, one partner may have less of an ability to remember tasks once tired or stressed. If this partner was supposed to pick up their spouse’s dry cleaning after work but forgets, there can be a few different ways the spouse can respond.

A negative interaction could look like:

Spouse: “I told you to pick up my dry cleaning today – how could you forget?”

Partner: “I’m so sorry – I had a stressful day at work and it slipped my mind”.

Spouse: “You always forget when I ask you to do a task for me. You don’t care about me”.

A more positive interaction may look like:

Spouse: “I’m feeling disappointed and frustrated that my dry cleaning was forgotten today”.

Partner: “I am sorry for disappointing you. It was a stressful day at work and it slipped my mind. How can I support you now?”

Spouse: “Can you create a text reminder in your phone for after-work errands to help you remember?”

Partner: “That’s a great idea. I will do that – thank you for understanding”.

Can you spot the difference between the interactions? In the first scenario, the frustrated spouse takes their anger out on their partner, utilizing criticism and blame to share their feelings. The spouse also expresses their hurt feelings through a generalized character attack on their partner (using language like “you always forget” or “you don’t care”). This can lead to feelings of shame and hopelessness in our partners and creates a narrative that there is an inherent flaw with the partner. However, in the latter scenario – we can view a different emphasis and expression of emotion. The spouse still names their feelings to their partner, however, they do so by taking ownership of their experience and not just relying on blame. The spouse also provides a strategy and an “ask” of their partner, coordinating with their partner to solve the issue vs making the narrative that the partner is deficient. The communication in the second scenario takes practice and can feel awkward and difficult to master at first. However, utilizing a more positive framework in which you work together through adversity can directly lead to overall improved relationship satisfaction.

Furthermore, there are ways to establish more appreciation and respect in your relationship to balance the feelings of disappointment or frustration in differences. According to the Gottman’s, one of the best ways to accomplish this is by building a culture of fondness for each other – strengthening the inner core of the relationship (Lisitsa, 2023). Some strategies for increasing admiration and fondness can look like:

• Sharing positive memories of the past (ex. looking through pictures of your wedding, fun date nights, family get-togethers, or romantic vacations)
• Daily gestures of gratitude or love – these can be small or big (ex. nightly practice of sharing one thing you are thankful for in your partner, doing an act of service for your partner, giving an unprompted compliment, or kissing or holding hands for an extended period)
• Reframe issues as external problems (ex. Shifting your perspective of a relationship issue as something to come together with your partner to solve)

Through doing this work, you may find that a difference/s has become a deal-breaking matter. In that case, I would advise seeking couples counseling as a way to approach the issue with a third party involved. Therapy can provide space for both partners to be heard and for the issue to be processed in a constructive, structured manner. Counseling may lead to you figuring out what truly are deal-breaking behaviors or not, which ultimately can provide you the clarity to forge the best journey for you and your partner, whatever that trajectory may look like.

References:

Lisitsa, E. (2023, September 21). The Four horsemen: Contempt. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

About the Author: TJ Dubovich is a marriage and family therapist at The Cannon Institute. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA + community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships. If you are interested in working with TJ – email or call The Cannon Institute at admin@thecannoninstitute.com / (720) 318-2450 for a free, 20-minute consultation. 

However, these conversations are necessary. The manner in how, when, and where these talks occur can be up to the couple to decide. The important factor is that communication is happening between partners and that there is a space provided in the relationship for topics that may be upsetting or uncomfortable to be brought to the surface. In my work with couples, I help partners figure out when it makes sense to have these conversations and for how long the conversations should generally last so that folks can have a shared expectation of the check-in. This can look like “We do a 10min check-in every Sunday”, “We have a 2-hour check-in every other week”, or “We spend the first 30min of our date night doing our check-in”. The structure is far less important in comparison to the content.

Prioritizing important conversations in a relationship is not a revolutionary idea of my own design. One common structure of this has been developed by Dr. Gottman, a premier couples therapist who has completed decades worth of research on positive attributes to successful relationships. His version, The State of the Union, “ensures that both partners are heard and understood before problem-solving together” (Benson, 2021). I find the title of “State of the Union” to be a bit daunting thus I refer to them as relationship check-ins. I have provided the structure of what could be beneficial in a relationship check-in below. This recommendation does not need to be set in stone – there are many iterations of how these conversations can look. You may find that some of the checklist items don’t need to be addressed at each check-in. Ultimately, it’s deciding together to take the time and chat, in a way that is meaningful to your expectations, roles, and needs of your unique partnership.

Check-in Checklist

1. Appreciation / Acknowledgement – it can be helpful to start these conversations with a positive. Each share something that you appreciate about your partner. Acknowledge a way your partner showed up for you or the household that made you feel happy or cared for. Also, if you feel you need it, ask to be appreciated for something. If there is an area of the relationship you may not feel seen, take this time to ask your partner to see you in it.
2. Support – Similar to #1, each reflect on how you felt supported by your partner. Ask your partner if there are ways they may need to feel better supported.
3. Point of Hurt/s – Open up to your partner about something that may be a source of hurt since the last check-in. Be sure to let the partner who is sharing have the “floor” and reflect back on what you are hearing to ensure shared understanding. If you are the listener, apologize and own up to your part in the hurt. Work towards not getting defensive or trying to “fix the issue”. It’s important to fully hear your partner before diving into potential solutions.
4. Share something unshared – Similar to #3, bring up an issue that you may feel scared to bring up. This can be really hard but it’s important to share the underlying hurts or problems, as those tend to be the issues that will later develop into resentment and larger problems. If you are speaker, remember to utilize “I” statements and reframe from blaming and criticizing language. If you are listener, take in what your partner is telling you and work towards seeing it from their perspective.
5. Intimacy Check-In – Tell one another things you liked since the last check-in and also if there were things you would like more of. Try to stay curious with your partner when they share their interests or desires and know that just listening, does not mean you are required to meet their need. Explore areas of compromise if you are coming up with roadblocks.
6. Look to the future – Discuss and/or plan a future event or intentional time together. Provide space to get excited about an upcoming connection.
7. Time Needs – Reflect with each other on upcoming time needs. Ask your partner if there is specific time they would like to spend together and if there is time they would like to be alone.
8. Wrap–Up – This can be one of the most important aspects of the check-in. Reflect back on what you’ve heard and learned from your partner and thank each other for sharing. If it feels good to do so, have an intimate closing to the conversation such as a hug, handhold, or kiss. This can offer a bid of connection/repair, especially if there were topics that became heated or stressful.

Reference:
Benson, K. (2021, February 3). State of the Union Meetings will strengthen your relationship: Here’s how to start yours. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/state-of-the-union-meeting-will-strengthen-your-relationship-heres-how-to-start-yours/

ADHD symptoms

Adults who have recently been diagnosed with or suspect that they may have ADHD experience a wide array of symptoms, from difficulties honoring deadlines, staying organized, following through on a project or finding motivation. A part of ADHD that is not often mentioned is the difficulties individuals might have with conversations, be it in a group or with one person.

ADHD in social situations

In the case of ADHD, the person is usually well aware of what is happening around them. They understand the social cues, and they can read body language well. However the struggle becomes apparent when a conversation takes place, between two or more. If you imagine a conversation being a bit like a tennis match, where, overall, equivalent amount of time is shared between the two (or more) partners, with adequate pauses and silently agreed upon reactions, the person with ADHD will be the person running to the net….or to the opponent’s side of the court. The person with ADHD will be interrupting the flow of the conversation with ill timed thoughts (in the middle of someone else’s sentence) or with silences, as they lose track of the flow and get lost in their own mind. Some may side track to a completely different topic. Some may converse on several tracks, interweaving themes and getting lost in between.

The interruptions are common for people with ADHD, and there are several reasons for it:

• Dopamine production: People with ADHD historically produce less dopamine than the norm, leading them to seek more. Dopamine is the “pleasure hormone” of the brain. If the person with ADHD is less interested in the topic, having a less pleasurable experience, their brain will start looking for other ways to entertain itself and produce more dopamine. The person might interrupt the conversation to reroute it to a more entertaining space.
• Working memory: People with ADHD tend to have poor working memory, the memory that is used daily to remember where, for example, one placed their keys, or what needs to be done next, or being able to place a thought in a temporary hold to get back to it later. In this case, the person with ADHD will have a thought in the middle of a conversation that they know might disappear if they don’t tend to it. The fear of losing the thought will cause them to express it, causing disruption.
• Impulsivity: People with ADHD tend to have poor impulse control, immediately reacting to a perceived want or need. This is due to low dopamine production and to having poor working memory. That impulsivity, when not managed, will show up in terms of interruption of the flow of conversation with new thoughts, checking one’s phone, googling data in the middle of a sentence, etc.

The shame of ADHD and interruptions

I have often heard clients recount their experiences in groups, feeling that they took too much space or that they were perceived as rude for interrupting. Those clients feel guilt and sometimes shame for their behavior, believing that there is something wrong with them, and feeling that they are “bad”, “selfish”, or “antisocial”. This awareness of how they showed up, and not being able to do anything about it, causes them to feel a great amount of pain.

What to do about it

If you believe that you have ADHD, or if you have been diagnosed with ADHD, here are several tools to help you manage interruptions :

• Warn your conversation partner. ADHD is not an excuse, it is an explanation. Warning your partner that you may interrupt, and letting them know that it’s ok for them to call you out, can help you develop a moment to moment awareness and give you a chance to adjust their behavior.
• Have a note book with you (or a phone with a note taking app). If an important thought comes up, you can warn your partner that you need to pause for a second to write something down. That way you do not disrupt the flow with irrelevant information
• Remove distractions: put your phone on “do not disturb”
• Start noticing when you interrupt and stop talking. As soon as you notice, stop yourself and quickly apologize with a couple of words. When you do that, you train your brain to be more mindful and to go back to the conversation.
• Understand that it takes time, patience and a lot of mishaps. When you go home, start thinking about what others shared, instead of what you did or didn’t do right. You will always have an opportunity to try again.

About the Author: Annabelle Denmark (she/they), MA, LPCC is a therapist based in Lakewood, CO, They specialize in individual therapy for adults with ADHD and/or trauma. You can find them at www.renegadecounseling.com

Most of these dynamics show up, at some point, in relationships. However, if they are commonplace in a relationship, they can be detrimental to the health and longevity of the partnership. In fact, they are so common in unhealthy relationships that they have an official name – The Four Horsemen. This label was created by the Gottman Institute, which was founded by duo John and Julie Gottman. The Gottmans are both therapists who have been working with couples for decades and have completed years of research on what makes or breaks marriages (Gottman Institute, 2023).

The Four Horsemen

• Criticism – Attacking or complaining about the core of your partner’s character. Example: “You are such a pig – you never do the dishes”.
• Contempt – Treating your partner with disrespect by doing things such as name- calling or mimicking them sarcastically. Example: “You’re an airhead for forgetting to pay our bills this month. Can you remember anything?” Contempt has been found to be the single greatest predictor of divorce (Lisitsa, 2022).
• Defensiveness – Avoiding accountability for the effect you had on your partner and making excuses for why it actually wasn’t wrong. Example: “I wouldn’t do _ if you didn’t do _ first”.
• Stonewalling – Stopping or withdrawing from engaging with your partner.
  Example: Shutting down when your partner upsets you and walking/storming off without communication.

I challenge you to think about how you may engage in one of the four horsemen within your relationships. How do you potentially play a part in the negative cycle of indulging in these dynamics? How do your current/past partners exhibit these behaviors? Once you can self-reflect and take ownership of your piece, it can be easier to address how to change and hold yourself accountable to make better choices. The Gottman Institute provides “anecdotes” to the Four Horsemen and they can look like this:

• Criticism – Instead of criticizing your partner when you are upset, try utilizing “I” statements of how you feel and then stating a positive need. For example: “I’m feeling really frustrated that you don’t pick up your dirty clothes in the bathroom. It’s hard for me to walk through there when they are on the ground. Would you be willing to put your clothes in a hamper when you remove them?”
• Contempt – Instead of attacking/insulting your partner out of hurt/anger, try to remember the positive qualities you love and cherish about them. For example: If you are feeling upset about your partners’ messiness, remind yourself that you love the creativity and passion that come from their “wild” personality. Practicing a daily share of appreciation/gratitude towards your partner can be a great way to combat getting to a place of contempt.
• Defensiveness – Instead of victimizing yourself and trying to deflect or reverse blame, try understanding your partner’s perspective from an open mind and offer an apology for any wrongdoing. For example: “I can hear your experience of me saying yes to that friend’s party without asking if you wanted to go was hurtful for you. Would it be helpful for me to check in about plans if they include both of us?”
• Stonewalling – Instead of avoiding your partner when there is conflict present, challenge yourself to stay present and name your emotional landscape. For example: “I’m feeling really activated by this argument. I need to take some space to calm down before we continue. Can we come back to this in 30 minutes?”

I hope that you are able to take these tools and equip yourself to show up as your best self in relationships with others and to provide a framework for when things may be stuck in a negative cycle. Also, please remember, we are all human and we are not perfect! We can and will make mistakes. We can also be responsible for those mistakes and continue to work to have the Four Horsemen stay in their barn and out of our partnerships.

References:
Gottman Institute. (2023). www.gottman.com.

Lisitsa, E. (2022, November 3). The Four horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, & stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved March 30, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-
defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

About the Author: Tristan (TJ) Dubovich is a marriage and family therapy intern at People House. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships.

At one point, you both experienced and expressed love for each other, and felt, on some level, satisfaction with your romance and relationship. Something about it worked. Maybe you liked how he was with the children. Maybe you liked how she was always there for you when you were down and feeling needy. 

There are often things outside of us that draw us together; needs we need to be met, like laughter, companionship, staving off boredom, parenting help, financial partnership, being connected, and feeling loved. 

Now, maybe your children have grown up, maybe you are both financially successful, you have close friends who make you feel connected and understood, you’ve worked through past traumas, and feel secure with who you are in the world. Maybe the relationship you once needed to work, doesn’t really need to work anymore in order for you to function highly. 

Not all breakups have to be messy, disastrous, intensely emotional, disruptive, financially draining, or even difficult. This post is for the amicably uncoupling couple, two people that are ready to dissolve a unit that once met their needs, in order to move on to the next stage of their lives and cater to new and evolving needs, needs that you may be just becoming aware of. 

Separateness is not the enemy. Separateness breeds independence, and independence fosters the subtle strengths of resilience and knowing one’s true self. Separateness is not loneliness.

Here are my questions for you and your partner.

Amicable uncoupling occurs most naturally when certain conditions are met, which include open & honest communication, transparent intentions, resentment mitigation, clear guidelines about the process, and a “do no harm” model of thinking and action. 

Are both of you ready to do this? 

Have you communicated thoroughly and decided that uncoupling is the best course of action for both of you? 

Has there been honesty in your interactions and intentions about moving forward?

What does it mean to uncouple amicably?

What do you want your separation to look like?

How can you do the least harm to one another during this separation?

What are the guidelines for communication between the two of you going forward?

What are your fears regarding uncoupling?

What are your hopes?

How can you make this easier on each other? On yourselves?

What are your non-negotiables in terms of the process of uncoupling?

What is this relationship dissolution based on? 

Is there any lingering anger and/or resentment that resides between the two of you? 

How do you plan to work on your anger/resentment before you uncouple?

What are your individual priorities regarding this process?

Do you think a therapist could help you work through these issues effectively?

While a majority of couples arrive at therapy during the last phase of their relationship in an attempt to mend what feels broken, many couples nowadays are coming to therapy for help with the facilitation of the uncoupling process. Therapy can prove to be an effective means to streamlining an often confusing, overwhelming, and lengthy process. 

You don’t have to go through this alone.

Sonya Som, MA, MFTC, LPCC: Life is about the choices we make and the relationships we foster, both with ourselves and others. I would be honored to walk alongside you in your journey, and form an alliance through which you can honor your own decision making process and understand where your choices truly come from. I would like to help you move meaningfully through life, with awareness, compassion, and empathy. I am a couples and family therapist in training, and use an integrative and collaborative approach to problem solving and goal reaching. I provide services to individuals, couples, teens, and families, all in the hopes of getting you to where you want to be.

Contact Sonya: 303-416-6542; sonyasomtherapy@gmail.com; SonyaSomTherapy.com