Has cruelty become normal in today’s society?

It is easy to look around the world and become discouraged by the wide-spread the violence and hatred being perpetuated by people in power. Our attention is  endless news cycles and social media posts that highlight wars, inequalities, suffering, and dehumanization.

And when we’re bombarded by these images and taglines day in and day out, it’s easy to become numb and indifferent to the suffering of others. Cruelty seems to be the new normal – or at least, that’s what they want us to believe.

In order to cope with this new and unsettling reality, we may distract ourselves by constant busyness or by withdrawing to avoid a world that feels increasingly hostile and cold. We may notice our anxiety getting worse and our thoughts descending into a fear-fueled spiral. And in such a world, hope or optimism can feel far away.

But I don’t believe this is the full story. I don’t believe cruelty has become the new normal.

Kindness as a radical way forward

I believe that outside of the narrow lens of the news, exists a far different reality than the hellscape it tries to portray. This reality isn’t reflected in headlines or in trending posts, but is found in our communities and in small, seemingly insignificant interactions we encounter every day.

Yet, it can be difficult to even recognize this other reality, especially when we are constantly activated and on edge. It is deeply unfortunate that the news today gains attention by manipulating and distorting our fears, leading us to consume more of it and endlessly doom scroll. It makes us feel helpless and afraid. It isolates us and separates us from our communities and friendships.

Yet, these are the very things that can connect us and ground us. And it is through kindness that our friendships, communities, and connections can thrive.

But what is kindness, really? Kindness is the active and willful affirmation of the humanity of another.  Kindness is the path out of fearful isolation towards meaningful connection; kindness is the light that peaks through the clouds and gives us hope, direction, and clarity.

It is the exact opposite of cruelty, which seeks to actively and willfully dehumanize and strip others of their dignity. And this is precisely why kindness is such a radically powerful antidote in today’s society – because it rehumanizes others and restores their dignity. Kindness is radical because it repels fear and restores our sense of hope, humanity, and community.

I urge you to not discredit yourself here, thinking “true kindness” is only found in courageous acts of inspiration and devotion seen by the great figures of history. Kindness can be these things, but kindness is more often found in the small, routine moments of our day – smiling at the cashier, engaging in small talk with a neighbor, making cookies for your coworkers.

Underneath kindness is the firmly rooted belief in the goodness and resilience of humanity; the belief that as much as the news and those in power try to portray humanity as evil and corrupt, there is still goodness in the people around us, regardless of what we look like or what we believe in. And when we engage in a kind act, we are communicating to the other that they value and that they are not alone.

Kindness is the radical path forward. It is the light that illuminates. And it is through a multitude of kind acts that the oppressive darkness we all feel may begin to finally dissipate.

Don’t lose hope. Be kind.

Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at kevin@resilientkindness.com

Everyone around the world laughs at something, and anyone across the globe can connect with others through laughter. If you sit and think about that, it seems pretty powerful. Laughing relaxes us and helps us stay balanced; it connects us and makes us familiar. When we laugh, we might feel a moment of clarity or a brief respite. And when we make others laugh, we might experience a sense of purpose and meaning.

Making meaningful connections with others is an objective we all share. While things in this world may feel chaotic and unpredictable, humans continue to look for significant and authentic moments of connection.

This can happen in most places; it can involve a warm smile for your grocery clerk or taking a moment to chat with a neighbor. It can also mean cracking jokes and making light of life with friends. These are all small moments of human purpose. When we take a time-out to enjoy one another, we can reconnect to what we find meaningful.

Although I love to laugh, I’m not so great at feeling embarrassed. That’s a tough one for me. Most times I’m able to enjoy the humor and feel that connection, but sometimes my thoughts turn and try to convince me that I’m somehow ‘not enough’. That’s not easy to admit, but it’s true. I mention this to point out the following: sometimes we can allow our negative thoughts to interfere with our ability to experience our purpose. In a moment of embarrassment, I usually just did something silly like we all do; I’ve got food stuck in my teeth (I cringe at the thought!) or I missed my mouth trying to drink a glass of water (I’m lucky when it’s only water!). These are funny, laughable moments. We all share an understanding of what it feels to ‘push’ the door instead of ‘pull’, and when we give ourselves the opportunity to laugh about it with others, we share our purpose and experience our shared humanity.

Because it unites us (and makes us feel better), we find purpose in laughter. So, I encourage you to take some time today, tomorrow and every day to find ways to laugh; seek it out when and wherever possible. Laugh at yourself, laugh with others; make jokes and find humor. Share joy with others however large or small. Do it because it makes you feel better – be selfish about it! It’s ok, the other person benefits too. Try not to lose track of the beauty in moments, the beauty in laughter, the purpose of meaning and connection. Fill your eyes with tears from laughter and give yourself the opportunity to feel connected with others, even if it’s just for a brief moment in time.

Samantha Camerino (she/her) is the owner of Nomad Therapy Services. She uses a “Person in Environment” approach, addressing not just the individual, but also exploring the environmental, societal and historical components that may be impacting self-growth. She has nearly a decade of experience working with persons struggling with an array of challenges such as depression, anxiety, anger, low self-esteem, trauma, et. al. Currently, Samantha conducts sessions in the office or online, and she also encourages ‘walk & talks’ and meeting in outdoor settings. If you are interested in learning more about the Nomad approach, visit her website at www.nomadtherapyservices.com or email her at samantha@nomadtherapyservices.com.

This blog post is an amalgamation of excerpts from a paper I wrote a year and a half ago for an eco-psychology class. We were asked to write about a natural being that we found a connection with: 

Ants are among the social insects (social insects are all of the genera Hymenoptera which also includes wasps, and bees), which have complex societies, social classes and modes of communication. Among the many ant species, ant communities may range in numbers from hundreds of millions to four (Moffett, 2010). But, unlike other insects, ants do not exist outside of their role in the community, they do not wander or forage alone or work for themselves. They have social identities that are completely linked to the survival of the whole. Some have compared the functioning of ants to the individual cells of a human body; each cell having a tiny part in creating life for a larger whole. Insect societies have been dubbed ‘superorganisms’, as the ant colonies themselves function as one huge unified organism (Hölldobler, B., & Wilson, 2009).

Although ant brains are among the largest of all the insects (Moffett, 2010), it is incredulous to us humans that they exist not for themselves, and have individual identities: rather they exist only as part of the whole.

As I contemplated this, I was forced to ponder our own culture.

The entire idea of capitalism is that if we all function for our own best interest society will in turn benefit, which would not make sense in comparison to the ant kingdom. Ants are the archetypal representation of the collective, none working for their own self-interest only in the interest of the colony, and as a result they are wildly successful as a species. Their adaptability and prolific success of ants in the ecosystem is indisputable. It is estimated that there are around 22,000 species of ant and it is estimated that the total biomass of ants greatly outweighs that of all of humanity. Ants exist on all continents and practically every ecosystem, only excluding the polar icecaps (Moffett, 2010). It is no question that they have learned to thrive and as a result of creating highly successful complex societies where the purpose of individuals is to serve the whole.  

Even in my own experience ants are relentless in their pursuits, and can seem like an unstoppable force. I remember one year an ant infestation in our kitchen, as we were only undergrad students at the time we tried various methods to try and stop these endless streams of ants flowing in from spaces in the floorboards. I used packing tape to attempt to block their path and they squished through all the possible holes. We used liquid ant poison, and probably boiling water to no avail.  I have also watched people pour boiling water down ant hills, or turned over logs exposing the inner cavities of the ant hills, and watched as the ants without pause worked to save their colony by picking up larvae or moving it to other places. 

In the words of Owusu (1996), “the ant is tenacious, strong, aggressive, generous, and very meticulous. It’s most pronounced characteristic, however, is patience” (p. 142).  Ants will work ceaselessly towards their goals. Reading this reminds me to direct my energy where I want to go, to have tenacity and patience that my efforts will be fruitful.

It also reminds me that working for the good of community takes time and effort. This is reassuring.

Owusu (2010) further elaborates on the meaning of ant symbolism by explaining:

“The ant teaches you that you will have everything you need and will receive it when you need it most. It is the symbol of basic trust. It knows that it will ultimately be rewarded for all its efforts. If your activities are for the common good, then you will receive back any energy that you have expended. It may be, however, that you will have to put greater effort into the realization of your dreams and use your creativity.” (p. 143)

I also feel that the ants are sending an important message to the larger society to bring our focus back to community. They may be saying that we have taken individualism too far, and it is time to refocus our energies on the collective. Together we can accomplish so much more than we can as individuals. It is up to us to communicate and reprioritize in order to move our societies in the directions that we need to go. This is a very powerful message for our times as we are collectively facing such large problems. But unlike ants, humans can diverge from the collective, this is not a negative aspect it adds to our communities and perhaps we have taken individualism too far and need to reunify as a species.

Although these times in our humanity can seem daunting, and dark, the ants also bring a redemptive message if we listen, have courage and most of all have persistence. Somewhat along the lines of Johanna Macy’s message of the Great Turning,

The ant societies are telling us to get our act together and create something new.

For the Dogon and Bamara peoples of Mali, ants were a symbol of fertility. Ant hills were the sexual organ of the earth, ants a symbol of life and rejuvenation.  The ants are telling us we can our acts together and create a stronger collective reality. They are reminding us to put our own self-interest aside, focus on the larger picture, and prepare for the future.

• Chevalier, J. & Gheerbrant, A. (1996). The Penguin Dictionary of Symbols. (J. Buchanan-Brown, Trans.) New York: Penguin Books. (Original work published in France 1969). 
• Hölldobler, B., & Wilson, E. O. (2009). The superorganism: the beauty, elegance, and strangeness of insect societies. New York; WW Norton & Company.
• Moffett, M. W. (2010). Adventures among ants: A global safari with a cast of trillions. Los Angeles, CA; University of California Press.
• Owusu, H. (1999). Symbols of Native North America. New York; Sterling Publishing Group.

Stephanie (she/her/hers) believes that healing results from expanding our capacity for meaningful connections and relationships. She has a background working with a diversity of people in outdoor settings and draws from attachment theory, body-based and experiential therapies, as well as ecological and feminist approaches. Currently pursuing her MA in Counseling at Regis, Stephanie aims to incorporate how familial, social, economic and cultural forces interact in our society to impact individual well-being. Stephanie will be starting her own practice in mid-May. Contact her at: steph@soulterracounseling.com