What is gender?

Gender is only one piece of the identity pie. This short essay is too brief to cover the many layers of identity such as race, ethnicity, religion/spirituality, socioeconomic, citizen/immigrant/Native, age, disability/temporary-ability status, and so on. (What a rich pie!)

There are aspects I miss and/or am ignorant about, especially as a white-bodied person in our current system. I encourage feedback, mutual learning, discussion, and your own research from clear, mutually respectful, and informed sources. I speak from my lived experience as a queer White femme person and from what I have learned from elders, neighbors, teachers, activists, friends, and colleagues.

The definition for gender I will use comes from the Canadian Institutes of Health Research (2025). “Gender refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviours, expressions and identities of girls, women, boys, men, and gender diverse people. It influences how people perceive themselves and each other, how they act and interact, and the distribution of power and resources in society. Gender identity is not confined to a binary (girl/woman, boy/man) nor is it static; it exists along a continuum and can change over time. There is considerable diversity in how individuals and groups understand, experience and express gender through the roles they take on, the expectations placed on them, relations with others and the complex ways that gender is institutionalized in society.” Gender is different than biological sex. Gender is social. Gender is a social construction based on many things including historical and cultural norms.

Some Basic Gender Terms

Now, I want to go over some basic gender terms. This is not a comprehensive list of important terms. If you are interested in learning more about LGBTQ+ terms, visit https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms. I am using the Human Rights Campaign for the definitions I will use here:

LGBTQ+:  An acronym for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer” with a “+” sign to recognize the limitless sexual orientations and gender identities used by members of our community.

Queer: A term people often use to express a spectrum of identities and orientations that are counter to the mainstream. Queer is often used as a catch-all to include many people, including those who do not identify as exclusively straight and/or folks who have non-binary or gender-expansive identities. This term was previously used as a slur, but has been reclaimed by many parts of the LGBTQ+ movement.

Genderqueer: Genderqueer people typically reject notions of static categories of gender and embrace a fluidity of gender identity and often, though not always, sexual orientation. People who identify as “genderqueer” may see themselves as being both male and female, neither male nor female or as falling completely outside these categories.

Sex assigned at birth: The sex, male, female or intersex, that doctor or midwife uses to describe a child at birth based on their external anatomy.

Gender binary: A system in which gender is constructed into two strict categories of male or female. Gender identity is expected to align with the sex assigned at birth and gender expressions and roles fit traditional expectations.

Gender dysphoria: Clinically significant distress caused when a person’s assigned birth gender is not the same as the one with which they identify.

Gender-expansive: A person with a wider, more flexible range of gender identity and/or expression than typically associated with the binary gender system. Often used as an umbrella term when referring to young people still exploring the possibilities of their gender expression and/or gender identity.

Gender expression: External appearance of one’s gender identity, usually expressed through behavior, clothing, body characteristics or voice, and which may or may not conform to socially defined behaviors and characteristics typically associated with being either masculine or feminine.

Gender-fluid: A person who does not identify with a single fixed gender or has a fluid or unfixed gender identity.

Non-binary: An adjective describing a person who does not identify exclusively as a man or a woman. Non-binary people may identify as being both a man and a woman, somewhere in between, or as falling completely outside these categories. While many also identify as transgender, not all non-binary people do. Non-binary can also be used as an umbrella term encompassing identities such as agender, bigender, genderqueer or gender-fluid.

Transgender: An umbrella term for people whose gender identify and/ore expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth. Being transgender does not imply any specific sexual orientation. Therefore, transgender people may identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc.

I love the acronyms “AFAB” and “AMAB” meaning assigned female at birth and assigned male at birth, respectively. This is a helpful way for me to talk about a client’s childhood conditioning and experience concerning a certain gender script without assuming the client’s gender/gender expression.

Why gender matters in the counseling room?

Gender informs what a person with a specific body can and cannot do, how they can and cannot express self, and one’s safety in a social and institutionalized setting. As the therapist, you have social and institutional power in the room.

Gender can inform how one deals with emotions (i.e. anger), interpersonal and intrapersonal skills the person did not develop or was forced to over-develop. Gender can also inform how one thinks of themself, how safe or unsafe they feel in the world (and even this counseling room with you). Gender assumptions can be harmfully restricting and dismissive to the complex and dynamic experience of being a human.

Broaching Gender in the Counseling Relationship

I recently had a colleague ask me how he would like me to broach gender if he were my therapist. After some discussion, I said ask me how it feels to work with a therapist who identifies as a White man.

In my own work when broaching with a client(s), I ask them what it is like working with a queer White femme person. I base my inquiry on my own identity that I feel safe or resourced enough to disclose and that holds privileged power in our current system (i.e. White). This creates space concerning awareness around social location and impact.

As a counselor, our own lived experience of gender and our ideas about gender can, quite literally make space for liberation or reaffirm harmful ideas about gender. I love bringing in curiosity to my assumptions and beliefs about gender.

Final Thoughts

Gender is such a unique experience for each of us.

I find my gender expression and exploration — as an AFAB femme person raised mixed class (poor and middleclass) in the highly religious South, White, in a fundamentalist Evangelical Church (Southern Baptist)—liberating, terrifying, fun, exciting, expansive, empowering, euphoric, dysphoric (at times), nuanced, ever-evolving, and more.

As I explore my gender and gender expression, it has helped me form a more authentic and deep relationship with myself and others. I wish the same for you!

Resources

Foundation, H. (2025). Glossary of terms. Human Rights Campaign. https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms?utm_source=ads_ms_HRC_20240306-HRC-AW-GS-Natl-GlossaryRP_GlossaryKeywords_a002-dynamic-rst_b%3Agender+terms&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=21083351170&gbraid=0AAAAAD6IzSgSVxb7rc0qvogjutvhg4GSh&gclid=CjwKCAjwq9rFBhAIEiwAGVAZP1MD5beTJ38hnfrJR7qri0qMuj_cCb2Bz42FBEpGxcxTEr0I9uVDtRoCY4YQAvD_BwE

Government of Canada, C. I. of H. R. (2023, May 8). What is gender? what is sex?. CIHR. https://cihr-irsc.gc.ca/e/48642.htmlKillermann, S. (2017). The genderbread person version 4. It’s Pronounced Metrosexual. https://www.itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2018/10/the-genderbread-person-v4/

About the Author: Hi, my name is Bre Smith (she/they)! I am a queer White woman from the South. In my current graduate studies in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Saybrook University, I continue to explore new ways to merge my academic learning with my passion for wellness and mental health. This work builds on my M.A. in Humanistic & Existential Psychology from the University of West Georgia and experience in the mental health field in adolescent residential, adult case management, and foster care counseling. As the Vice President of my school’s Queer Alliance Collective club, I am particularly focused on creating spaces that are safe, inclusive, and affirming. I am an adjunct faculty at Chattanooga State Community College where I teach Introduction to Psychology courses.

When I’m not counseling, studying, or teaching, I enjoy moving my body, exploring the outdoors, traveling, playing music, laying on my couch, creating art, tending to my plants and garden, and spending time with loved ones.

As a parent, counselor, and member of our local community, I have observed a quiet cultural revolution in the way that our children explore their identity. Where 30 years ago, kids would not change their name/pronouns, or very few did, it seems that many children today are setting on a journey of identity exploration by changing their names and pronouns, exploring in ways that families are not prepared for. There is a critical difference between past cultural trends of nicknames where both names could coexist, and today’s rejection of one’s birth name as a “dead name.” It also seems that often with a name change, the child also adopts new pronouns to facilitate their gender exploration.

From the parent’s point of view

The parents’ experience of their child coming out does not have a lot of research or space for conversation. Most websites and blogs I have perused talk about the experience of the child and the necessity for parents to be supportive. The content of those sites is important, but so is the parents’ experience and what it means for them to go through this process with their children. I cannot speak for all parents and all experiences, I can only speak from the lens of my own experience, and what has been shared with me by clients.

When a child comes out to their parents, by sharing their need for a different name, using different pronouns, and changing their gender, parents go through stages of grief, pain, loss, and rejection that is normal and to be expected.

Dos and Don’ts

If you are a parent going through this process, here are some dos and don’ts of taking care of yourself during this transitional phase or your relationship with your child

• Don’t take it personally. Think of it as your child’s journey and not a rejection of you.
• Don’t take it out on your child. Your child is not trying to hurt you. You are going through a process just as they are. When you feel angry, walk away. When you feel hurt, seek comfort with a partner or a friend.
• Do tell them that you love them, and what you love about them, including parts of their new identity.
• Do tell them that you will make mistakes, But that you will alway work on doing better.
• Do ask your child for help on how to represent them to the outside world. When in doubt about how to address them in front of neighbors, friends, and family members, ask them, and then work out any fear.
• Process your feelings away from your child. Seek therapy and/or a support group. Talk to other parents who are going through it. What you are feeling is normal, and needs to be shared with others who can help. Your child cannot and should not do that for you.

A paradigm shift

How can we, as parents, move forward with our children as they become? How can we shed an idea or belief that we have about them and stay open hearted to their experience?

We need to change our framework from clinging on to norms to opening ourselves to freedom. This freedom has been earned by our ancestors and it is now our turn to give it to our children.

Our children can receive the freedom to:
Be and to become.
Stumble, explore, and change their minds.
Love themselves, unconditionally, as we love them

This gift of freedom comes at a cost – we have to overcome our own fear and shame of judgment, our old patterns of seeing the world as it was. We have to change. And when we do, we set ourselves free.

About the author: Annabelle Denmark, MA LPCC is a trauma focused, gender affirming somatic practitioner located in Lakewood, CO. Annabelle sees teens, adults and families. You will find her at www.renegadecounseling.comPlease email her at annabelle@renegadecounseling.com

I highly recommend watching the Netflix documentary “Disclosure: Trans lives on screen,” if you haven’t already. It is directed by Laverne Cox, a transgender actress and activist, who acted in Orange is the New Black among other shows. All the people who speak in the documentary are transgender individuals and they examine how transgender people have been represented in the film and television industry until now. 

I also listened to Laverne speak in an interview with Brene Brown, on Brene’s podcast “Unlocking Us” [June 17, 2020]. (also very highly recommended) Aside from just being incredibly eloquent, Laverne is just beautiful strong voice for transgender inclusion and transgender rights. One thing I found especially powerful is how she discusses how the more visibility and inclusion that transgender people face… the more push back they experience. 

Transgender visibility is changing so quickly that it is hard to keep up. I help facilitate a Friends and Family of Transgender People support group and I regularly have conversations about those changes and how to adjust to the changing social landscape, especially with parents of teenagers. It is not because trans/gender non-conforming people are visible or that there is more acceptance that we are seeing more people identifying as such. They were always there it is just now they can find words, expression and community to validate and express their identity. And creating an inclusive space for gender expression, expansiveness, transgender people is so important to making this world a safe place for people to live their authentic selves.

In my experience, learning how to be inclusive and serious about using pronouns correctly is one of the most important ways we can support trans inclusivity. A lot of people ask me about how to approach someone and ask their pronouns. Or they feel really flustered if they mess up. Here are some very simple and very important tips for being gender inclusive. 

1. Before asking the other person, introduce yourself with your own pronouns. “Hi, I’m Steph. My pronouns are she/her/hers”. This does a whole lot to normalizing bringing pronouns into the conversation without putting someone else on the spot. It also sets the example and precedent that you cannot assume a person’s gender by looking at them, which is very important for creating a safe and inclusive space. 
2. Practice using they/them pronouns. Yes, people are still getting used to using they/them as a singular pronoun but get used to it, it’s not going away. 
3. When you mess up, correct yourself and move on. No need to make a big deal out of it, but the correction is essential. 
4. Make introducing your pronoun part of protocol when doing group introductions and ask people to put their pronouns on their name tags. 
5. And last but not least, it is simply “pronouns”, not “preferred pronouns”.
6. Practice using gender neutral language like “Folx”, instead of “Guys”, “girls”. 

There are many, many resources out there on How to be a Trans Ally. You just need to google it to find many more helpful resources and guides that will help explain all the complicated things about gender and gender terminology.  You can also email me if you have questions or would like some resources.

Stephanie Boulton, MA LPCC (she/her/hers) is a counselor in private practice and is part of the People House Community. She also volunteers with Out Boulder County, co-facilitating a support group for Friends and Family of Transgender/Gender Non-Conforming People. Stephanie has a background working with a diversity of people in outdoor settings and draws from attachment theory, body-based and experiential therapies, as well as ecological and feminist approaches. Stephanie’s website can be found at www.soulterracounseling.com or you can email her at steph@soulterracounseling.com.