Chances are good that there are one or two things that really make your blood boil. Some triggers cause fight or flight reactions. Let’s talk about the ones that cause fight, in particular, because fight is a really misunderstood phenomenon. It looks like anger, but is actually acute distress that is based in fear. 

My own biggest trigger is disrespectful behavior. I can become very adamant, very quickly, that people should not, and will not, be treated with anything less than basic decency. This isn’t social justice on my part—I think that would show up a bit calmer, honestly—this is trauma trigger. I know because I get into fight. How can you tell the difference between genuine anger and fight, you ask? Anger is used to bring others into compliance with the social contract, it is usually based in self-esteem. Our anger says, “I don’t deserve to be treated this way, and I want you to know I won’t passively accept it. Should you not shape up, our relationship is threatened.” But it has a rational undertone—it is telling the other person you do not consent. Fight is a fear response. Fight wants only to survive the day, so if it can intimidate, surprise, fluster or leave the other speechless, that’s fair game. Fight is gloves-off, and it runs the show.  

You might have milder triggers—around feeling controlled, or people who won’t pull their weight, perhaps blatant entitlement is hard to swallow. They might not get you into full fight mode, but they are hard for you to step away from and consistently prickle you under the skin. We all want to move away from a tendency toward fight reaction, we all want to be “better” versions of ourselves. The question is how.

The reason a trigger gets stored in us is to prevent the bad thing from happening again. Our nervous system needs reassurance that we are truly safe, and our emotional body needs to work through what happened in the first place. Our culture will throw a lot of shade at anger-like responses so we tend to go underground with this work. Having a reliable fight response carries shame, whereas having a flight response elicits compassion and offers of help. You can work on it on your own, though.

First, figure out how these behaviors hurt you in the past. Understand the wound you are trying so hard to avoid. I’ve seen disrespectful behavior do a lot of damage to people’s sense of self and sense of safety, and so my nervous system treats it the same way it would treat physical threats—with a no-tolerance policy. If I go back, I can look at the situations that caused the trigger, and the damage they created.  

Second, find compassion for your younger self. A sense of injustice is usually part of a lingering fight response. Perhaps you were a kid and couldn’t defend yourself, perhaps you were a young adult and didn’t have the ego strength to prevent the bad thing from happening. Either way, you were hurt, and needed comfort—comfort that you didn’t get. Notice that you are safe now, but you are not healed.

Third, make a plan for how you will handle the trigger when it comes up. I like mantras and action plans, but do what works for you. My go-to with disrespect is 1) Recite the mantra “You are reacting to your old wound, not this person in front of you,” and 2) Leave the situation as soon as possible. I do not give into the strong desire to serve others a tongue-lashing. I do not berate myself, either.  

Fourth, find a time to feel the grief and fear. When blatant disrespect happens in my world, it actually brings up a lot of unprocessed emotions like helplessness and sadness. In counseling programs they teach that emotions show up like a bullseye with anger on the outside, fear, sadness and love in concentric circles underneath. Anger is easiest to access, but love is at the core. When I make time later in the day to comfort that younger version of myself, to cry for her, I work through some of what causes the trigger. I also use this time to make meaning of what happened, of why suffering exists in the world, and how I’m supposed to hold it.

Taking those four steps each time the trigger arises tends to diminish it over time, but it will take time.  The average human has a lot of behaviors that are consistent but are unexamined. We call the lot of them our personality. But we can change, if we want. Carrying shame about a trigger response doesn’t have to be a foregone conclusion. The piece that is missing is compassion for ourselves. We will never be able to change that suffering has always existed in the world, but you can love yourself enough to heal your response to it.

About the Author: Laura Zwisler is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Lafayette Couples Counseling.  She specializes in relational therapy and men’s work.  Her practice reflects a deep belief that through corrective relational experiences we can heal traumas, get needs met, and fulfill our greatest potential.  In addition to counseling, Laura supervises interns at People House, leads workshops and trainings, and writes about the human experience.  If you are interested in working with Laura, please visit: https://www.lafayettecouplescounseling.com/ or email her at: laura@lafayttecouplescounseling.com.    

In the last blog, we identified the roadblocks that often get in the way of understanding and collaboration in our communication – namely judgment, comparison, denial of responsibility, and making demands (previous blog link here). In this blog post, we’ll move onto the key components of non-violent communication. 

Key Components

In Rosenberg’s framework, nonviolent communication has four components that when used together create connection and foster collaboration. The four components are: 

1. Observation – Separating observations from evaluations. This means describing what is happening without judgment or interpretation.
2. Feelings – Expressing how you feel in response to the situation, rather than how you think or what you interpret.
3. Needs – Identifying the unmet needs that are causing the feelings. This helps to express what’s driving the emotion.
4. Request – Making a specific, actionable request that might fulfill the need. 

For today’s blog, we’ll be focusing and expanding on the first two steps – observing without evaluating and identifying and expressing feelings. 

Observing without Evaluating

The first step in developing compassionate communication is to try and objectively observe the situation, rather than evaluating or applying judgment.

When something bothers us or a need of ours is not being met, we can rush to make evaluations and generalizations about the other person (e.g., “You’re too lazy”, “He’s always late”). But these evaluations often come off as critical and demeaning, resulting in the other person feeling resistance and reluctance towards the person we’re trying to communicate with. 

To counter this human tendency to rush to judgment, Rosenberg stresses the need to make observations that are specific to time and context. For example, rather than saying, “You’re too lazy and don’t contribute to the relationship,” you would say, “Over the last week, I’ve done the dishes the last three nights by myself.” Or rather than saying, “You’re rude”, you would say, “You raised your voice and rolled your eyes.”

The point here is that in order for communication to be effective we first have to identify specific observations tied to time and context instead of resorting to exaggeration, generalization, or judgement. By doing this, we take responsibility for our words, making our communication more likely to foster openness and collaboration.

Identifying and Expressing Feelings 

The second step is to learn to identify and express how we are feeling. Identifying and expressing your feelings is a vital skill because it helps you connect with yourself and others. And by expressing how we feel, we show vulnerability, which in turn can help resolve conflicts and create greater collaboration. 

However, this is a skill that can be quite difficult for many of us to develop, primarily because we don’t have the vocabulary or inner awareness to describe how we are actually feeling. Most of the time we resort to words or statements that describe thoughts, assessments, or interpretations, rather than expressing our true feelings. This is partly because in the English language we frequently use the phrase, “I feel…” to describe thoughts or judgments, rather than actual feelings. For example, “I feel I should have gotten that job” communicates a thought and would better be communicated as “I think I should have gotten that job.” Another pitfall is that we don’t always need to use the word “feel” to describe our feelings. Rather than saying, “I feel sad,” we can simply say, “I’m sad.” 

The alternative to these pitfalls is to choose words that refer to specific emotions. The English language has a plethora of words to describe feeling states, with each word having a slightly different nuance and meaning. For example, the general feeling of sadness becomes more specific and expansive when we use different words like despairing, lonely, or regretful. By changing the vocabulary we use, we can capture more of our experience and communicate it better to others. 

I’d encourage you to check out this full list of feelings (link here) that describe a wide array of emotional states. By looking at this sheet and familiarizing yourself with different feelings, you’ll begin to be able to increase your ability to articulate your feelings, which will vastly improve your communication in your relationships. 

In the next blog post, I’ll continue expanding on the final two steps to bring everything together, so that you can practice and master the art of compassionate communication. 

About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at kevin@resilientkindness.com

Understanding Coping Mechanisms

Before diving into the world of video games, let’s define what a coping mechanism is. Coping mechanisms are strategies people use to handle stress, emotions, or trauma. These can be healthy—like exercise, talking with a friend, or journaling—or unhealthy, such as substance abuse or avoidance. The goal of any coping mechanism is to help the individual manage their emotional or mental state and regain control over their life.

In therapy, my role is to help clients identify their current coping mechanisms and assess their impact. For some, video gaming serves as a tool to help alleviate stress and provide an escape from reality, but it’s important to recognize both its benefits and limitations.

Video Games

Video games often get a bad rap, with accusations of promoting violence or fostering addiction. However, when used in a balanced and intentional way, gaming can offer several benefits:

• Cognitive Benefits: Many video games require problem-solving, strategic thinking, and quick decision-making. These cognitive challenges can serve as mental stimulation, helping to improve focus and critical thinking skills. Some games have even been shown to reduce symptoms of anxiety by promoting mindfulness and present-focused attention.
• Stress Relief Through Immersion: Video games allow players to immerse themselves in a different world, giving them a temporary escape from reality. When someone is overwhelmed by work, personal issues, or general life stress, playing a video game can provide a mental break. Games, particularly those with engaging storylines or challenging puzzles, allow players to shift their focus from real-life worries to the task at hand.
• Achievement and Motivation: Many games are designed to reward players with achievements, levels, or new abilities, giving them a sense of accomplishment. This can be particularly beneficial for individuals struggling with depression or low self-esteem. The tangible progress and sense of control in a game can provide a sense of mastery that might be difficult to achieve in other areas of their life.
• Social Connection: Multiplayer games and online communities offer opportunities for social connection. For individuals who feel isolated or struggle with social anxiety, online gaming can provide a way to engage with others in a less intimidating environment. The sense of camaraderie and teamwork fostered in many games can build relationships and offer emotional support.

The Importance of Balance

While there are clear benefits to using video games as a coping mechanism, it’s essential to maintain balance. Like any coping strategy, overreliance on gaming can lead to problems if it becomes a form of avoidance. For example, playing video games for hours every day to avoid confronting difficult emotions or situations can exacerbate underlying issues. It’s crucial to monitor how gaming impacts other areas of life, such as relationships, work, or school.

In therapy, we often discuss moderation. Setting time limits, choosing games that promote relaxation or skill-building, and recognizing when gaming is being used as a way to avoid real-world responsibilities are key factors to keep in mind.

A Therapeutic Tool for Some: For some individuals, video gaming can also be incorporated into therapy. Games that promote mindfulness, such as journey-based games with calming visuals, or those that encourage problem-solving, can be therapeutic tools in themselves. As a therapist, I might suggest games that align with a client’s therapeutic goals. For example, puzzle games for cognitive stimulation or narrative-driven games for emotional processing.

Additionally, video games can serve as a bridge in therapy for younger clients who may feel more comfortable talking about their gaming experiences than their emotions. The stories, characters, and experiences in games can offer a platform to explore deeper emotional topics.

When Gaming Becomes a Problem

Like any coping mechanism, gaming has the potential to become problematic when used excessively. Signs that video gaming may be crossing into unhealthy territory include:

• Difficulty stopping or reducing game time, even when it causes problems in other areas of life.
• Neglecting responsibilities or relationships in favor of gaming.
• Using gaming as a primary way to avoid real-world challenges or emotional issues.
• Causing health problems like screen related vertigo

In such cases, it’s important to address the underlying issues driving the gaming behavior. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness techniques, and other therapeutic interventions can help individuals regain balance in their life and find healthier ways to cope.

In Conclusion: As a therapist, I recognize that video games can serve as a valid and sometimes powerful tool for coping with life’s stressors. When used mindfully and in moderation, gaming can offer a much-needed escape, cognitive stimulation, and social connection. However, like any coping mechanism, it’s important to approach it with balance and awareness.

If you or someone you know struggles with stress, anxiety, or emotional challenges, exploring different coping strategies, including video gaming, can be beneficial. The key is to ensure that gaming remains part of a broader toolkit for managing mental health and not the only means of escape. Feel free to reach out if you’d like to explore this topic further or discuss how video games—and other coping mechanisms—can fit into a healthy mental health routine.

About The Author

Deanna serves as a LPCC at Ellie Mental Health. My role is to facilitate this process by providing a supportive place. My counseling approach is profoundly shaped by my background in art therapy and my experience with the neurodivergent community. My creative pursuits, including writing, acrylic pours, and mixed media art, deeply influence my therapeutic practice. My personal experience with therapy also significantly informs my approach. I utilize principles from Internal Family Systems, dream work, art therapy, and strength-based therapy to address a wide range of needs, including PTSD, ADHD, life transitions, anxiety, depression, grief, and interpersonal relationships. As a newly graduated counselor, I take great pride in guiding individuals through their journeys of self-discovery and healing. I am committed to helping clients tap into their inherent strength and wisdom, with the belief that everyone has the capacity to overcome life’s challenges. My personal experience with therapy also significantly informs my approach.

Email: deedwards@elliementalhealth.com
Phone: (720)-504-0201

Feeling grief was impossible for me most of my life. I grew up in the middle of a very large family, My mom had absolutely no capacity to hold her own grief nor to recognize or welcome mine. I learned really quickly to be strong, to be independent and not too needy. In order to do this, I had to turn away from vulnerability, including the recognition of my delicate sadness and sense of aloneness in the world. Since my early adult years, I’ve been on a mission to find the depth and meaning of this lack of ability to feel my own sense of loss.

My five-year-old self woke up to the stark reality that I was expected to take charge of my own growing up. It’s taken decades for me to recognize the lasting impact of that time on my nervous system. In addition, it was the impact of future traumas and aloneness that stacked up to create a well of grief and sense of aloneness. I had to wall it off inside of myself in order to function. I had no idea that I would continue to be impacted until I could return someday to heal it.

It’s taken me decades to feel and trust in the safety that I’ve needed, to find the intimacy between grief and aliveness. I have found it through warmth and care and the resonance from others. I am now deeply grateful for the gift of grief.

Welcoming grief has made it possible to breathe more deeply, to touch into joy and play, and find connection with people that matter most, including my very precious self.

Just what is grief?

According to Sarah Peyton, a neuroscience educator, grief is an emotional state of the nervous system that’s activated when we bump up against loss, death or abandonment. We often describe it as sadness or sorrow.

What does it mean to be accompanied in our grief? Sarah has a whole program guiding participants through warm accompaniment. She describes accompaniment as, “Being with another person or ourselves. Being present with our feelings, such as sorrow or any other emotional state we might be in, without trying to fix us. Just being present without trying to reassure us or to distract us from our pain.”

Just to be present in accompaniment often has a quality of warm acceptance and resonance.  Sarah describes resonance as being in living connection with another through relationality that is reflected in our voice tone and in our body language. It’s our ability to have a sense of seeing the other person. Resonance allows us to be understood, to be seen, to be known, and to be accepted.

We begin by naming the types of losses we’ve experienced, such as the death of a loved one. Or, there might be some event or interaction from the past that remains unsettled.  There might be accidents or illness, violence or unknown causes of death.

There may be the death of a beloved pet. I wanted to name that because often there are some of us who found accompaniment only through our pets, through the animals that have been in our lives. So the death of a beloved pet leaves a very distinct mark on our spirits and souls.  Maybe you have some sense of loss around your health, around relationships, friendships, family, perhaps through divorce or breakups or estrangements, maybe the loss of dreams that you’ve had, the loss of innocence, of careers, or jobs, the loss of a sense of place or home. Any of these losses can leave a mark on us, can be something we don’t know how to grieve. There is also the loss of faith, the loss of youth, the loss of hope. So just having your eyes glance through this list and wondering what is here for you to revisit in order to fully heal.

You might think about creating a grief practice that will help you capture the losses that are still lingering within you. But I first wanted to just talk a little bit about the neuroscience of language. Matthew Lieberman is a neuroscientist in social cognition. He researched how the brain can be calmed after it gets triggered or activated with feelings of fight, flight or freeze. He looked at what it takes to calm the brain to bring us out of these survival modes.

Lieberman found that when a person’s experience is named the brain begins to calm down. He tested people in MRI machines and showed slides of facial expressions. When the area of the brain holding emotions was lit up, he tried different methods of calming. The one that was the most effective was simply naming the experience or the feeling. 

At least every four seconds we are scanning our environments and asking ourselves, “Is there any danger in our world? Are we safe? Do I matter?  We’re asking so that the brain can react quickly and keep us safe. If we find ‘no’ to be the answer, if I am not safe, if I feel that I’m not safe, or that I don’t matter, the brain is so quick and smart it sends all the energy into the fight/flight response and we lose the functions of the rest of the brain. We’re just there for fight, flight, freeze to keep us safe, but we lose the capacity to contextualize the environment – noises or smells or things that we see, voice tones – and we lose our executive functioning as we’re in this triggered state until the brain can again calm gradually over time.

So I think to myself, what if my younger self’s experience had been named by a significant adult? If someone had said to my little 5-year-old, “Of course you are in shock, of course you stopped breathing when your siblings didn’t make room for your voice.  Are you overcome by terror and horror and grief?” Each day that your siblings ignored your needs, what if I was encouraged to feel the grief in my own body, to be seen for how painful it is for a little one to not be heard or feel they matter to the ones whom they are deeply attached? What if my experience had been named? I might not have felt the need to move away from myself in order to survive within my family.

It’s not too late. I can now say to my inner 5-year-old self, “Are you feeling hopeless that you will ever be heard among all these siblings?” I can begin to wonder about what this is like to have our experience named in really simple ways. If a friend comes with an upset, we can begin to help with that calming by the naming of their grief or sorrow. We might say, ‘Of course you’re devastated by this loss or it makes so much sense that you could barely breathe.’ Do you need someone to understand what it’s like to live in your body and then your brain?

So making feelings guesses or repeating what someone has said sometimes that sounds kind of awkward but there’s something incredibly validating to know that the other person has heard you deeply. First, think about a loss or death and name the feelings that come up, especially noticing what’s happening in your body sensations as you focus on loss. You can also do this when a friend or family member reveals their feelings of loss.

References and Further Reading
Celeste Kersey, An Exploration of Death and Loss through the Circuit of Panic/Grief, Sarah Peyton’s 2024 Resonance Summit, https://sarahpeyton.com/2024-resonance-summit-epilogue/

About the author: Rev. Catherine Dockery, MA, is a People House minister and a trained facilitator in conscious aging, nonviolent communication and resonant healing of trauma. She has an MA in Public Administration and BA in Communications both from the University of Colorado at Denver. Catherine started The Center for Conscious Aging in 2015 where she conducts workshops, personal coaching and support groups for older adults helping them to understand their developmental changes and transform their lives. She has 10 years of experience in individual and group facilitation and presents on aging topics throughout Colorado. To learn more about Catherine’s services please visit www.centerforconsciousaging.org or email consciousaging1@gmail.com

In any case, I watched “Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol 3” the other night, and cried almost the whole way through. First, watching defenseless creatures being experimented on is torture. My empathetic characteristics go into overdrive. Yes, I feel their pain. Having been on the receiving end of other people’s agenda with no agency to draw boundaries, I completely know that feeling of helplessness. Second, when the surgically altered raccoon is tossed into a cage with other similarly altered animals, they gather around, instantly relating to his pain and offering immediate solace. And rather than them trying to talk him out of what he’s feeling, or using distracting comments or actions to ignore the grotesqueness of his recent ordeal and thereby, also effectively denying their own pain (it takes an exchange or two to back off), they give him time to acclimate, to adjust to his new condition, accepting his silence until finally, he says one word.

“Hurts.”

And one of his new compatriots gets a rag from her cell mate, wets it with her tongue, and gently wipes at the trickle of blood coming from beneath the metal plate recently implanted on his head.

And this is what got me. I cried recognizing what courage it takes to say, “it hurts” with no explanation, no justification, no excuses or blame. Even more so, I cried harder to see the vulnerability received with compassion, acknowledgement, no judgment and no cajoling to feel better. I honestly can not remember a time when I was completely, kindly and lovingly witnessed for a painful moment, upon hearing devastating news, or making a colossal mistake that I regretted with zero interjection by someone else about their experience. Okay, once, from my father when fear overwhelmed me and he just held me, even as he was being urged to stop because we had to be somewhere else.

What would it feel like to collapse and stop being brave, smart, put together, a complete know-it-all and allow whatever feelings are there to be a-okay, just fine, and even sensible? To discover that, in such a collapse, we are not destined to drop down a dark well and be lost. Rather, we find that, either with ourselves or if we’re lucky, with someone else, there is a safe refuge of being completely human, with all our emotions in tact and that in experiencing them, fear drops away and a sense of competency and wholeness wells up. When we are with whatever arises without pushing it away (or letting someone else talk us out of it), we find a tenderness of heart, a strength of spirit, and the ability to extend compassion to others in a similar space.

Now, before we go off the deep end, this is not the same as wallowing in self-pity, crying victimhood, or railing against the unfairness of life. In Yoga Sutra vernacular, these last three examples are vrittis, mind whirlwinds, stories that define who we think we are. Vrittis are more often than not painful thought clouds that obscure us from the truth of our experience, that keep us locked into the persistent, pervasive feeling of precariousness, as my teacher, Reverend Jaganath defines dukkha, or suffering. More often than not, vrittis are not based on lived experience. Quite the contrary, they are figments of our imagination, perhaps fueled by a bit of reality, though typically blown up into a much more tragic event than the original incident.

Take the story of being cut off in traffic. We may exclaim in the moment, “Ugh!” Or something more exciting and colorful. And if we sat with the rush of adrenaline, recognized our well-being and even our competency of not running into said car, we could just shake it off (like animals are known to do) and resume our drive. However, for many of us, we begin to imagine, “what if?” What if we’d not seen the car? What if we’d not had brakes? What if we’d crashed into the car and other cars piled into us from behind? By the time we get home to our partner, or talked to a friend, we might fearfully exclaim, “I almost died today!” Sound familiar?

Back to the movie. Rather than space and silence and a willingness to let the raccoon come to terms with his plight, the other animals might have exclaimed their vrittis, saying, “Oh my god, he really did a number on you! He’s so evil. I wish he would die. Did he put you under or were you awake? When are we getting out of here? Did he smell like bad cheese like he always does?” Notice how all these vrittis are about an external experience and have little to do with the more important experience, the internal one.

Science has shown that most emotions last 30-90 seconds. That’s it. What lasts longer than that is the story, the vrittis, about the emotion or event. We can tell the getting-cut-off-in-traffic story for days, weeks, months, bringing up a similar sensation in our body. However, if we truly sat with the initial emotion, rode it out to its full and complete expression, witnessing it and treating it with kindness and respect, perhaps we would not need to keep reliving it. Perhaps what we are missing in our lives these days isn’t the technical understanding of emotions or how the brain works. It’s the simple practice of feeling the pain and saying, “It hurts.”

As I drove to the mountains the next day for a hike, those words kept coming back to me. And I was soon flooded with innumerable times from childhood, adolescent, young adulthood, hell, a few weeks ago, of instances where there was hurt that did not get acknowledged — times where I had wished someone would have been able to simply hold my hand, not to make the hurt go away, not to be told it was going to be all right, not to hear of someone else’s pain to make mine look less; instead, as a witness, as an acknowledger of my felt experience who would mirror my capacity to be with it.

What I see as the challenge to humanity, what is keeping it from choosing a course other than polarization, division, harming the earth and its inhabitants isn’t AI, climate change, the possibility of a second Trump term; it’s the inability to fully feel our feelings, to recognize them and see them as legitimate. When we deny the human experience of emotions, especially in ourselves, how can we possibly have compassion for other people in pain? All the world’s atrocities stand on dehumanization which is essentially stripping people of their emotional capacity.

As Khalil Gibran writes,
“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not
bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.”

When we feel pain and can be a witness to that, and to the pain of others, only then can we feel what we are beyond the pain. We experience our compassion, kindness, curiosity and courage to be with our ourselves, our fellow humans and earth’s creatures without divides, without polarizations (yep, we are often internally polarized too) without fear. That gesture, that small allowing of riding out what emotions and sensations arise, will lead us to a choice that can heal our dystopia for our own good, and the good of those around us.

The next time something hurts — someone says something, someone does something, you do or say something — take a moment to be with it, maybe even saying (perhaps silently) “it hurts, this hurts” and feel it fully.

Bear the pain, and then begin to feel all that you are beyond it.

About the Author: Beth Hinnen came to the spiritual path from the corporate world. After experiencing impermanence and greed, she left to study Yoga and has over 1,000 hours in Yoga teacher training, and ended up specializing in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, spiritual scripture that closely aligns with Buddhism. From there, she studied Zen Buddhism for over ten years, including in-person, month-long monastic retreats, until she earned certification, in January, 2023, as a Mindfulness and Meditation Teacher with Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach. Currently, Beth is a co-leader of the IMCD Council, and on the Teachers Collective, as administrator. She hosts a Meetup group called Yoga Meets Buddhism, and for the past three years, has held an online Dharma Wednesdays class that discusses the Yoga Sutras while also bringing in Buddhist teachings, along with Sufi poets, Christianity, Judaism and other spiritual paths that reinforce the words of Sri Swami Satchidananda, the founder of Integral Yoga where Beth studied. “The truth is one, the paths are many.” More information about Beth is at www.samayaco.org.

If you have ever made a bigger mess out of an already challenging situation, then you might want to explore the powerful paradox of surrender, and how the greatest act of power can sometimes be to let go and flow.

How to Surrender and Let Your Emotions Flow

Despite parts of the last two weeks being fun for me, there were parts that were challenging and rough too. Superficially, I received photos of myself that were so terrible both in quality and the way I looked that I went into a self-loathing tailspin. But because I received the photos right after learning a friend of mine was in hospice, instead of letting my emotions flow, I stuffed them down.

As a result, I lost my equilibrium and instead of flowing with my anxiety and grief, I defaulted into controlling, which did not work and only served to hurt or tick off the people that I love.

It’s my guess that like me, you’ve lost your equilibrium a time or two and haven’t shown up as your best self either. While I know we are only human, it’s still frustrating to be bitch-slapped by the Universe. Especially after “doing the work” and knowing better!

The Interplay of Surrender and Control

I firmly believe we have the power to create and control our own destiny and I also believe in the power of surrender. So, when my friend in hospice shared that she was “surrendering into Jesus” instead of fighting the cancer, I got to wondering if surrender and fight could coexist – and if so, how. Which reminded me of a story:

Years ago, a friend recommended a marriage book about surrendering in your marriage. Introducing the book to me she said, “I HATE the title but don’t worry, surrendering to your husband is not what the book is about.” Yes, I was triggered by the title and the idea of surrendering, but I gave it a chance. The book explained how we have happier relationships when we stop getting all involved in our partner’s business and interfering under the guise of “being helpful.” It explained how “being helpful” was oftentimes insulting to your partner’s intelligence and capability and that we should focus on ourselves instead of worrying about what our partner was doing and trying to control them.

Ouch! But kinda true… and wasn’t that what I was trying to do in life? Getting all involved in business that was not by own and trying to control the way both myself and others thought and felt? Afterall, I could not control the quality or angles of the pictures, nor could I control my friend’s cancer or impending death. But I was behaving as if I could.

Fast-forward to last month when I learned that the title of that same book on surrender that was referred to me years ago was changed from surrendered to empowered. Guess what happened when the title changed? The book hit the New York Times Bestseller list! Even though nothing inside had changed!

How to be Empowered

Which shows that most of us like the idea of being empowered more than we like the idea of being surrendered. Which is when it hit me. The words empowered and surrendered are synonymous with each other. We only think that they are different!

• True surrender isn’t about being weak, giving up, or being overly accommodating. True surrender is about being wise enough to jump in the river that is flowing in the direction you wish to go and allowing yourself to be carried.

• True surrender is about trusting your power to choose the right river, and instead of fighting the river you are in, extricating yourself from rivers flowing the wrong direction and choosing a different river.

A Wise Person Never Fights the Flow of the River

After all, I am only in charge of myself, knowing when to surrender and flow with what is, and when to get out and hop in a different river. I am empowered when I either surrender to the flow and allow myself to get carried in the direction I want to go in, or when I remove myself from the river and jump in a river of my choosing.

Either way it’s power and either way its flow.

What would change if you surrendered to something you have been fighting against for far too long?

An attorney, TedX speaker, and life and leadership coach, Lora Cheadle shows others how to move beyond soothing the symptoms of burnout and recognize and resolve the root cause, which is oftentimes betrayal. Whether that betrayal is from a person, system, changes in one’s body, or the realization that you’ve spent your life in service to a dream that was not your own, Lora show individuals, high performing teams, and groups of leaders how to break free from burnout to create meaning and satisfaction, both personally and professionally, so they can live, express, and create their lives fully before it’s too late. She is the author of the bestselling book, FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy and Spiritual Self and is the host of the top-rated podcast, FLAUNT! Find Your Sparkle and Create a Life You Love After Infidelity and Betrayal.

What spoke to me the most was the film’s candid representation of what’s-not-working-in-our-world as depicted by the character of Jobu Tupaki/Joy who seems ready to give up caring about anything. She’s emotionally exhausted by her one-sided relationship with her mother, generational patterns of dismissal/gaslighting within her Asian-American family, and feelings of being othered due to her romantic relationship with a mixed race woman. While I can’t say Joy and I share the same experiences or identities, I found myself resonating with her expression of, “I’M TIRED OF CARING ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT’S NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW!”.

When clients come to me for therapy, I often notice a similar pattern. There seems to be an awareness that something is off but not necessarily a comprehension about what that thing is or what to do with that feeling of off-ness. The off-ness seems accompanied by a dynamic coupling of fatigue mixed with a disproportionate desire to fix what’s not working. I witness this desire as a longing to exterminate the spring-giddy ants trailing into the kitchen yet no understanding about where the actual ant colony is located. Clients expect immediate relief from their problems, and they look to me to help them find the spray bottle filled with water and vinegar.

Yet I actually have no say in whether or not my clients will feel relief in their process. All I have is the ability to support my clients in acknowledging that there is spilled milk on the floor, sitting with them while they cry/laugh/yell as the milk balloons in all directions, and collaborating with them on whether they want to use a mop or a paper towel to clean up the mess today (or tomorrow or never). I often return to the taped-off crime scene of the spilled milk with them to examine the stain like a Rorschach test in search of new evidence. And that’s OK. There’s a whole lifetime of experience to process and returning to the same material again and again takes courage. It takes courage to say, “There’s something else for me to learn from this” or “I accept that I’m not over this yet”.

In an interview with Brene Brown on “Unlocking Us”, actress Viola Davis, discusses how her therapist once asked her if she would be OK if nothing about her life or herself changed. I think about that question a lot as a therapist since I am in the profession of believing in a client’s ability to change. If I took away anything from Everything Everywhere All At Once, it is the remembering that I have a choice around how I respond to life even when it all feels like it’s going to shit. In every session, I try to create a space for my clients to make that same choice. Like Carl Rogers says, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.”

Marielle Grenade-Willis is a current counselor with People House and has a MA from University of Colorado – Denver. With a B.A. in Sociology/Anthropology and a background in dance, dramatic, and vocal performance, she applies a somatic and systemic approach to the individualized work of counseling. Marielle works from a client-centered, experiential, narrative, and trauma-informed perspective with her individual clients. Prior to People House, she worked extensively in nonprofits focused on animal conservation, food access, and refugee welfare; and has had her poems read and published throughout the Front Range and beyond.

Instinct and Emotions

“What’s going on? Is my instinct for survival kicking in, am I falling back into an old emotional pattern, or is my intuition telling me something?” These are common questions that arise in my spiritual facilitation work.

Eckhart Tolle says an instinctive response is the body’s direct response to an external situation—our fight-or-flight response kicks in (1). Our ancestors had to outrun that saber tooth tiger. Clarissa Pinkola-Estés speaks of a woman’s wounded instincts (2). She says that through abuse and neglect, women are taught from a young age to not trust their instinct, and thus lose their ability to flee an endangering situation—emotional or physical.

Tolle says an emotion is the body’s response to a thought (1).

The heart of spirituality is consciousness or awareness. Meditation and mindfulness exercises (3) train us to watch our emotions and to notice where we feel them in our bodies. We watch our thoughts, becoming aware of the false stories these thoughts often tell us. Monks train for years observing their repetitive patterns of emotional and cognitive responses as they process their experiences.

The Enneagram as a Tool for Waking Up

My People House ministerial mentor Wayne Tittes introduced me to the Enneagram (4). He said that the Enneagram was, in some ways, a shortcut to this personal knowledge. When using the Enneagram with clients, I talk of tendencies. Someone may have the tendencies of a number three, but they are not A number three—I’m not keen to put people in boxes.

Both meditation and the Enneagram are tools that lead us to awareness of our go-to thoughts and emotions. For example, a three may start out on a project, only to find fear constricting his chest and dogging his heels. He asks, “Is this instinct or intuition telling me this is a bad idea?” But he knows that for a three on the Enneagram, failure is his worst fear, followed by the shame of not being good enough. He has learned through mindfulness practices to 1) pay attention to the stress signals going off in his body; 2) to stay with those emotions nonjudgmentally; 3) to sit with this fear nonjudgmentally; and 4) to ask his higher self what to do next.

Sometimes it’s just to breathe. He may bring in some facts: “I’ve got experience, I know how to do this. And even if I fail, that is not a measure of my worth, of my value, and it’s not who I am.”

A seven avoids boredom, limitation, or pain—emotional and physical—and seeks out pleasure. When she feels emotional pain in a misunderstanding with her partner, her tendency is to get out of the relationship NOW. But she knows that’s her tendency and follows the mindfulness practices listed in the previous paragraph.

Intuition, Not the Same as Gut Feelings or First Impressions

Intuition serves the brain’s need to predict and prepare for what will happen next. In that, it is similar to a first impression, which is a rapid assessment based on subtle visceral clues. Also, intuition is sometimes called a “gut feeling.” But first impressions as a quick judgment of someone can be wrong due to biases, including cultural and societal stereotyping. Gut feelings can be an emotional response based on stress-related anxiety held in one’s stomach.

And so we train in awareness.

Psychology Today says,

“Intuition is a form of knowledge that appears in consciousness without obvious deliberation. It is not magical but rather a faculty in which hunches are generated by the unconscious mind rapidly sifting through past experience and cumulative knowledge” (5).

Of intuition, Pinkola-Estés there is no greater blessing a parent can give a child than the ability to depend on the truth of her own intuition. “You have good judgment. What do you think is going on here?” Simple, yet a powerful affirmation of a child’s inner knowing.

About intuition, Thomas Moore, says,

“I don’t mean a simple hunch. I’m referring to a deep kind of knowing that doesn’t follow the rules of logic and can’t be found through research and reasoning” (6).

Intuition comes from a Latin word that means “to keep watch over” and so we “watch over” what’s stirring inwardly. We look for synchronicities—meaningful coincidences of external events that are not related through cause and effect. We pay attention to our dreams . Sometimes a person comes into our lives and nudges us a certain way, or a book unexpectedly lands in our hands that we didn’t know we were seeking. These confirm our intuition’s nudges.

Pay Attention

Instinct, emotional responses, and intuition can and do overlap. Sometimes an inner predator or a thug shows up and tells us: “You’re not good enough.” “What makes you think you can create art?” “Why aren’t you more sensible?” In Chapter 2, Stalking the Intruder, Pinkola-Estés says,

“When a woman is strong in her instinctual nature, she intuitively recognizes the innate predator by scent, sight, and hearing . . . anticipates its presence, hears it approaching, and takes steps to turn it away (emphasis added).”

Pinkola-Estés and Thomas Moore both list ways to strengthen our intuition. Of most importance is to listen to it. It doesn’t mean to force your intuitive insights on an unsuspecting partner, friend, or family member, or to make drastic changes in your life without considering the impacts on your commitments.

Pay attention to your responses to any of these thoughts. If anything seems “right,” that might be your intuition leading you somewhere!

_______

Notes & Sources:

1. Tolle, Eckhart. A New Earth, Awakening to Your’ Life’s Purpose, Plume, 2005.
2. Pinkola-Estés, Clarissa. Women Who Run with the Wolves. New York: Ballantine Books, 1992. She includes many references to instincts and intuition. Chapter 3, Nosing Out the Facts: The Retrieval of Intuition as Initiation is a good place to start.  
3. Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, says, mindfulness is “paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally, to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.”
4. The Enneagram is a nine-sided figure representing a spectrum of possible personality types. It is a model, not an exact representation of a person’s personality. For more information on the Enneagram, contact me or People House.
5. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/intuition
6. Moore, Thomas. A Religion of One’s Own. A Guide to Creating a Personal Spirituality in a Secular World. Penguin Random House, 2014.
7. https://csmt.uchicago.edu/glossary2004/intuition.htm

About the Author: Rev. Mary Coday Edwards is a Spiritual Growth Facilitator and People House Minister. A life-long student of spirituality, Mary spent almost 20 years living, working, and sojourning abroad in Asia, Southeast Asia, East Africa, and Latin America before finding her spiritual connection at People House and completing its Ministerial Program. Past studies include postgraduate studies from the University of South Africa in Theological Ethics/Ecological Justice, where she focused on the spiritual and physical interconnectedness of all things. With her MA in Environmental Studies from Boston University, abroad she worked and wrote on environmental sustainability issues at both global and local levels. In addition to working in refugee repatriation, she was a copy editor for international, English print daily newspapers in Indonesia and Mexico.

If this is something you experience, know that you’re not alone. You may have tried various things to combat that pesky voice inside your head, like trying to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, beating yourself up for having the brain that you do, or attempting to numb out with various behaviors (drinking, binge eating, self-harm, etc.). But have you tried acceptance?

As the name suggests, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is all about accepting difficult thoughts and feelings as a normal part of the human experience. ACT teaches us that pain is a part of life. Rather than trying to change or avoid uncomfortable emotions or thoughts, we can accept these inner experiences and move forward with living our lives. 

One of the ways to foster acceptance is through a process called cognitive defusion. Don’t worry, it’s not as technical as it sounds! Cognitive defusion (also known simply as “defusion”) is a strategy that helps us look at our thoughts instead of from our thoughts. Instead of allowing our unhelpful thoughts to shape our reality, we can “de-fuse” from them to regain a sense of agency over our lives. 

The storytelling mind

Our minds love to tell stories. These “stories” come in the form of thoughts, and our brains have a lot of those! The amount of thoughts we have can feel overwhelming, especially if those thoughts are negative.

If your brain is frequently feeding you a stream of negative thoughts, you might start to believe that they are actually true. Defusion is a way for us to detach from unhelpful thought patterns in order to see them for what they are: just a bunch of words.

So, how do you practice defusion? Here’s a step-by-step process:

1. Unhook yourself

Sometimes we may feel as if our thoughts have hooked us, reeling us backwards at 100 miles per hour. We can get so swept up in our thoughts that we start believing every little thing they tell us.

Next time you find yourself getting carried away by a torrent of negative thoughts, pause. Notice what’s happening. By pausing and observing, you can “unhook” yourself from unhelpful thought patterns. 

2. Name the thought

Next, name the thought. You can say something like, “I’m having the thought that…” or, “I notice I’m having the thought that…” 

For example, maybe your mind won’t stop sharing stories about how much of a failure you are. After unhooking yourself from those thoughts, notice them by saying silently or out loud, “I’m having the thought that… I’m a failure.”

Do you notice the difference? Naming our thoughts creates some distance so they don’t have as much of an impact.

3. Defuse

Like any skill, defusion takes some practice. Here are some exercises to try to hone your defusion muscle:

• Thank your mind – As mentioned earlier, our minds love to tell us stories. Whenever you notice your mind getting up on its high horse and spewing unhelpful narratives, say, “Thanks, Mind!” It helps to say this sarcastically so that you don’t take your mind’s stories so seriously. 
• Leaves on a stream – Our thoughts come and go just like leaves floating down a stream. Close your eyes and imagine you’re sitting on the bank of a creek. Every time you have an unhelpful thought, put it on a leaf and watch it drift downstream. You’ll learn to watch your thoughts come and go, allowing you to be more flexible with your thinking. If you’re a fan of guided meditation, check out this guided “leaves on a stream” exercise.
• Silly voices – Imagine a cartoon character with a distinct voice saying your thoughts out loud. It’s hard to take your mind seriously when you hear Winne-the-Pooh say, “I’m so ugly!” or Mickey Mouse exclaim, “I’m worthless!” 

Reclaim your power!

The ultimate goal of cognitive defusion is to give your thoughts less power. If you find that your thoughts dictate way too much of your life or your behavior, try practicing defusion. Eventually, you’ll learn that you don’t have to believe every single thought that goes through your head.

Gina Henschen, MA, LPCC is a People House Affordable Counseling Program alumna and a graduate of the University of Colorado Denver’s clinical mental health counseling program. She currently works as a therapist at Road to Growth Counseling in Westminster, CO, where she specializes in working with adolescents and adults who have experienced trauma, depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. Visit roadtogrowthcounseling.com or Psychology Today to connect with her.

“…cusp and midnight, the year’s threshold and unlocking, where the past lets go of and becomes the future; the place of caught breath.”

The day represents a pause in the cycle of nature, a time to reflect. How many of us will feel that cosmic change in radiant energy around and in us when the sun appears to stop its movement north? Or have we lost that connection between our soul and nature?

The ancients saw this physical event and changed it into an experience with meaning. Cultures have for thousands of years heeded this day’s significance. 

Backward-looking and Forward-looking

In contemporary history, June 21 was declared a Day of Reflection in 2007 for the people of Northern Ireland, the Republic of Ireland, and Great Britain. As it’s a backward-looking and forward-looking day, they pause to remember the violence that tore its nation apart—the looking back—and also the looking forward to a peaceful new society, asking how and what they can do to rebuild and restore this new society. Inclusivity and sensitivity underpin the day’s honoring. It’s a neutral space, as the day’s significance is related to a naturally occurring event, and nature makes no division between races, creeds, or political viewpoints. 

Cultivate an Hourglass Meditation

Based on one’s spiritual proclivities, many meditations for the Summer Solstice can be found on the web. I prefer focusing on change and light, two primary elements of this day, using the hourglass as a visual soul-crafting symbol. This meditation can be done in five minutes or thirty or more, and brings you into contact with your body’s wisdom—our bodies know things and send us messages, such as where stress makes its home in us. And it’s okay to keep paper and pencil handy to jot down any significant insights, but then move gently back into your breath. Make sure to relegate your ego to the back seat—now’s not the time for it to take control. 

• Begin by moving into a comfortable position, whether that be sitting, walking, or lying down. 
• Take a couple of deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling slowly. 
• Picture the large, upper rim of the hourglass, bringing in your current experiences—such as what your body feels: the air on your skin, how your body feels on whatever surface it is touching. 
• Move into your body with your breath, to where you feel these physical sensations. 
• Feel your lungs rise and fall with each air movement. 
• Reject nothing, welcome all without judgments, including pain. 
• At this place of acceptance, ask your inner light to bring into focus experiences from your past year, month, week, day—again, nonjudgmentally. 
• Let yourself feel any accompanying emotions—emotions are teachers. 
• Let light flood those experiences. 
• Next visualize moving into the narrow neck of the hourglass, focusing on your breath. 
• Stay with that space of non-change; visualize the light and energy of the sun hovering over you. Don’t rush it. 
• Now move into the broad opening of the bottom of the hourglass. Can you sit with this cosmic energy shift and experience it in your body? As this day signifies a solar and energetic change, what surfaces for you? If nothing, that’s okay—something might surface later—or not. Don’t analyze what’s going on through thinking, only experience it and let your soul bring meaning to whatever’s arising. Allow the past to become the future.

Don’t wait for the summer solstice to practice the hourglass meditation. Every hour take five minutes to stop and visualize this vessel. You can sit at your desk with eyes open. Then breathe, open up to your body’s physical sensations, move into the hourglass’s constrictive space with just breathing, and then open back up to emotions, including any energy you feel is stuck in your body, such as stress in your shoulders, forehead, stomach, hips, hands, or arms. Breathe into those areas nonjudgmentally. 

And may the long time Sun shine upon you, love surround you, and the pure light within you guide your way on!

____

Notes & Sources: 

1. Kabat-Zinn, Jon. He defines mindfulness meditation as “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally”. For more information, refer to his many published works.

About the Author: Rev. Mary Coday Edwards is a Spiritual Growth Facilitator and People House Minister. A life-long student of spirituality, Mary spent almost 20 years living, working, and sojourning abroad in Asia, Southeast Asia, East Africa, and Latin America before finding her spiritual connection at People House and completing its Ministerial Program. Past studies include postgraduate studies from the University of South Africa in Theological Ethics/Ecological Justice, focusing on the spiritual and physical interconnectedness of all things. With her MA in Environmental Studies from Boston University, abroad she worked and wrote on environmental sustainability issues at both global and local levels, in addition to working in refugee repatriation.