One part I especially love working with is the angry part. Not because it’s easy—because it’s honest. Anger wants you to have boundaries. It wants you to say no. It wants you to stop abandoning yourself. But sometimes that angry part is carrying so much that it needs a safe place to let off steam before you can hear what it’s trying to tell you.

I learned a powerful strategy for this from Robyn Shapiro during ego state training: the Anger Room.

At the time, I had a very angry part—more of a social-justice, what-the-actual-hell-is-wrong-with-the-world part. Robyn asked me to visualize a room that was completely soundproof and emotion-proof, meaning nothing leaked outside—not sound, not energy, not emotion. The room could look like anything. I chose a padded room (I’ve always secretly wanted to work in a psych hospital).

Inside that room, my angry part had 3 full minutes to say and do whatever it needed. And it did. I howled internally, collapsed on the floor, slammed my fists, punched the walls, and even turned into a Tasmanian devil—a tiny black tornado spinning around the room. After three minutes, Robyn stopped the exercise. And I felt so much better. Clearer. Grounded. Like something heavy had shifted.

If you want to try this practice, here’s how:

How to Do the Anger Room Exercise

1. Locate your angry part.
   Notice where it sits in your body. What does it look or feel like? What does it want you to know?
   
2. Create the room.
   Visualize a completely soundproof, emotion-proof space. Nothing gets out.
   It can be:
   – grandma’s house
   – a drum practice room
   – a padded psych ward room
   – a rage room
   – literally anything
   
3. Set a timer for 3 minutes.
   In this exercise, each minute represents an hour. Your angry part gets “three hours” inside this room.
   
4. Let your part loose.
   Inside the room, let your angry part do whatever it needs: yell, cry, smash imaginary objects, stomp, spin, flail. Your job is to observe, not interfere.
   
5. Check in afterward.
   Let your part come out of the room. Ask it how it feels. What shifted? What does it need now?
   
6. Ground yourself.
   Do some breathing, stretching, or a calm-place visualization to come fully back into your body.
   

This is a simple exercise, but incredibly effective for people who carry anger that’s been silenced, shamed, or pushed aside. Especially during the holiday season, when old roles and old wounds tend to flare, having a safe internal place for anger to release can make all the difference.

Your angry part isn’t the problem.
It’s the protector.
Let it be heard—safely—and it will help you come back to yourself.

Annabelle Denmark (she/they), MA, LPC is a therapist based in Lakewood, CO, They specialize in trauma informed (Parts work, EMDR and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy) individual therapy for neurodivergent adults and for adults with dissociative disorders

You can find them at https://www.renegadecounseling.com

So… is forgiveness really the answer? Let’s unpack what forgiveness truly is—and what it’s not.

Forgiveness: Not a One-Time Thing

When deep pain strikes, forgiveness can feel impossible. Maybe you’ve heard “forgive and forget,” but what if you’re not ready? What if you never will be?

Forgiveness is not about minimizing what happened. It’s not about excusing hurtful behavior or pretending everything’s fine. And it’s definitely not about bypassing anger, grief, or rage.

Forgiveness is about you.
It’s about choosing your peace over resentment. It’s about reclaiming your energy and your story. It’s not a moment—it’s a process. One that unfolds gently, sometimes painfully, and always in layers.

Why Forgiveness is a Radical Act

Here’s the truth: forgiveness is radical.

It defies the desire for revenge. It challenges the inner critic. It calls us to courage. And ultimately, it invites us to release what no longer serves us—not for the sake of others, but for the sake of our own freedom.

When you forgive—not to erase the past, but to reclaim your future—you say:

“I will no longer be defined by what broke me.”

You Don’t Have to Forgive Right Now

There’s no timer on healing. No pressure. No perfect way.

Forgiveness may come in fragments. It may start with forgiving yourself—for trusting, for not knowing, for surviving the best you could. That counts, too.

Let it be messy. Let it be slow. Let it be real.

Steps to Begin the Forgiveness Journey

If you’re ready to begin—or even consider—forgiveness, here are a few gentle starting points:

1. Acknowledge the Hurt
Give yourself permission to feel it all: the anger, the grief, the confusion. Naming your pain is the first step to healing it.

2. Reflect Without Rushing
Ask yourself: What did I lose? What do I need to feel safe again? What might forgiveness make space for in my life?

3. Forgive Yourself First
You did your best with the tools and awareness you had at the time. Extend grace inward before you attempt to extend it outward.

4. Set Boundaries
Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. You can forgive someone and still choose not to allow them back into your life.

5. Move at Your Own Pace
This is your journey. There’s no deadline, and no one else gets to decide when—or if—your forgiveness is complete.

6. Seek Support
You don’t have to walk this path alone. Whether it’s a coach, therapist, support group, or spiritual guide, allow yourself to receive.

Forgiveness Isn’t the End—It’s the Beginning

Forgiveness isn’t about closing the door. It’s about stepping through one. One that leads to peace, wholeness, and a deeper relationship with yourself.

You don’t need to have it all figured out to begin.

You just need the willingness to keep showing up—for you.

Lora Cheadle, JD, CHt
Email: Lora@LoraCheadle.com

Lora Cheadle, JD, CHt: Lora Cheadle is a former attorney turned betrayal recovery coach, inspirational speaker, and author of FLAUNT! Drop Your Cover and Reveal Your Smart, Sexy & Spiritual Self and It’s Not Burnout; It’s Betrayal: 5 Tools to FUEL UP and Thrive. She empowers women to rebuild confidence, self-trust, and joy after betrayal—on their own terms and in their own time. Discover more at www.LoraCheadle.com. 

This is both bad news and good news. Bad news because in a way we are not totally in control of how we are able to connect with others. Our nervous systems can override when we feel safe in relationship and how to connect with others. It can send very strong signals that we need to get out, even when it might be safe. It can show up in ways that may sabotage our best efforts at creating secure relationships. 

But good news, in that does not mean that we are stuck. We can learn how to become aware and work with these patterns. We can learn to predict what we need in relationship to feel safe and what our partners need in order to feel safe. We can learn what a secure functioning relationship looks like and consciously create it. 

When I start to bring patterns to light for clients, the first question always is, but what do I do? How do I change? 

And although there are skills that we can learn to create a new way of relating, there is a very important part that is very foundational to change that might even feel counter intuitive at times.

Self-compassion.

Self-compassion is the ability to feel our present suffering and meet it with attunement, presence and understanding. It asks us to look inward, listen to ourselves and provide ourselves what we need. 

Self-compassion is being able to look at ourselves and our suffering with understanding and acceptance. Self-compassion is the opposite of trying to change our emotional state, it is allowing for that state to be what it is, especially given the history that we have. 

We all have ways that we act automatically in response to different situations. I, for instance, often go into a freeze response when encounter aggression, especially in a public place. To others this looks like I don’t care, as I often lose my ability to respond directly, and just stare with a blank face. 

I have worked with this response in many different ways and have learned in many instances to respond differently. However, this response still shows up from time to time. Oftentimes after the incident has passed. I feel waves of anger.  I play different scenarios in my head where I responded to the aggression instead of freezing. I also feel anger directed at myself for responding in such an ineffective way.

In these moments, it takes a lot of awareness and effort to stop that cycle of self-criticism. When I can turn to my experience and see it as a natural response and my feelings as valid and understandable, my frustration lessens. 

Self-compassion allows me to see my responses for what they are and not feed into my own self-directed anger. I can see my history of when I encountered scary situations and remind myself that a freeze response is a natural reaction of our nervous system to threat. It kept me safe in many situations in the past and in my family environment. Given who I am and my history, this response makes sense. I have to remind myself that my feelings are genuine, my suffering is real and provide myself some forgiveness for my body doing exactly what it was designed to do…. Keep me safe. Talking to myself the way a good friend would allows me to soften my response and provide myself what I need; comfort.

Having compassion for yourself is not self-pity, nor is this is self-indulgent. Directing anger or criticism at oneself is just inflicting more suffering on the situation. Just like you can’t make a scared cat eat food by yelling at it. You need to have patience and softness and gentleness so that it knows that you are safe and it will come when it is ready. We need to treat ourselves and our wounds the same way.

This is not a new idea; most psychotherapies and religions see self-acceptance and self-love as a necessary part of healing.  “We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate it oppresses.”- Carl Jung

Self-compassion is a practice that must be cultivated repeatedly because culture thrives on using shame to promote social conformity and cohesion. As a result, we turn that shame inwards into self-criticism, internal oppression and addictions.

Our western society buys into the myth that somehow as humans we are able to bypass our biology and be the masters of our own mind and universe. However, this is only a myth. Our bodies, and our minds, are still the product of evolution and as mammals our survival hinges our social cohesion. We are wired in ways beyond our logical minds to survive. We must learn to accept ourselves as flawed, confusing and geared for connection and safety. Self-compassion can be a powerful tool along the way.

For more resources on self-compassion and how to apply it in your life visit self-compassion.org. This website is based on Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion and has resources, links to her book and self-compassion meditations.

Stephanie Boulton, MA LPCC (she/her/hers) is a counselor in private practice. She works online, at People House Denver and at her office in Broomfield. She draws from attachment theory, body-based and experiential therapies, as well as ecological and feminist approaches to healing. She specializes in body image, disordered eating, PTSD and LGBTQ+ affirming counseling. Her website is soulterracounseling.com or you can email her at steph@soulterracounseling.com.

How will you navigate what’s next? We’re more than six months into a pandemic with more months to come, even with the promise of a vaccine. 

Anger: A secondary reaction to pain, not good or bad—but what you do with it

1-TURN OFF THE NEWS. I cannot stress this enough. We as a species come packaged not only to love, but to grieve loss. We are equipped to mourn. But we are not equipped to take in all the pain that comes from a continual exposure—visual and verbal—to what we hear and see nonstop through television, print news, and social media. Turn off or silence updates for your phone, tablet, and laptop. I recommend checking news feeds once in the morning, and then again once in the afternoon—not late at night before you go to bed. Anger, tension, and anxiety are formidable bunkmates to a good night’s sleep.

We grieve RBG’s death. Many voice extreme anger at where our current administration is taking the country. Anger is almost always a secondary reaction to pain—physical pain (a stubbed toe), emotional pain, and pain of injustices—either toward oneself or toward others around you and the physical world. And now we have a sitting president whose out-sized debt may possibly compromise our national security.

Are we puppets of the media world? Stooges? Roger Ailes, former chairman and CEO of Fox News, used repetition, “the oldest and most effective propaganda technique.” In that sense, he created the news of the day. His listeners believed nothing else mattered in the world or in their lives. Ailes attracted viewers who “did not want television to tell them what happened in the world. They wanted television to tell them how to think about what happened in the world—the news itself would be secondary” (1).

Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.

2-WHAT GIVES YOU LIFE? What gives you peace and contentment? Search out what interests you—it might take some digging. Visit on-line art exhibits. Some have taken to gardening, others cook or bake, and others develop musical skills. Just because someone raves about how gardening has opened up a whole new way of living for her, that doesn’t mean it’s your way—I have personally sent far too many plants to an early death. I do pull invasive species, however. I know I’m contributing to the greater good of the planet by allowing our native species the space and moisture to flourish, along with the bees, butterflies, insects, and birds that exist symbiotically with the native plants.

3-PRACTICE MINDFULNESS. Or any kind of spirituality that brings you comfort. No right way exists for meditation. You can sit on or off a cushion, use a kneeling bench, walk, recline on the floor. A point of mindfulness is to accept your current situation, your path, your Dao, your emotions, without judgment, and to quiet your monkey brain from all its chatter. 

Check in with yourself on a regular basis. What keeps you connected to your soul? This requires paying attention to the wisdom from our bodies. When emotions fill our chest, head, shoulders, heart—stop and pay attention. Ask yourself, “What do I need?” And be prepared to live with mystery, to live that question. Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.

Have the hard conversation: “Are you socially distancing? Do you wear a mask?”

4-CONNECT. And after you ask those difficult questions, make decisions based on protecting your own health and those around you. Even the most introverted need some community—some interaction with humans. Talk with friends or family on the phone; connect through Zoom or Google Hangouts. Technically savvy people use Zoom and play games with others, using apps such as jackboxgames.com. 

5-EXERCISE. MOVE. What gets your energy jumping? Dance videos? Karaoke? Move to what gives you joy. Plan how you will be outdoors for those facing an onset of colder weather. 

6-EXTEND COMPASSION—to yourself and others. See my August People House blog for ways to train in compassion.

Get your affairs in order

7-And one more item to bring peace of mind and contentment: get your affairs in order. And age doesn’t matter. As an ordained minister, I’m called upon to assist when people begin thinking of passing, how they will write this next chapter of life. The National Institute of Aging lists four components of end of life planning: 1) completing an advance directive (AD) or living will, 2) appointing an individual with durable power of attorney for health care, 3) having a document for distribution of assets, and 4) specifying preferences for type and place of care (3). These apply to younger adults also, with the addition of providing for any dependent children.

No one likes to think of death and dying or discuss this with loved ones. But make it easier on everyone concerned by being a responsible adult. Take control of these decisions as much as you can.

If we’ve learned anything from this sudden upheaval of our lives, it’s that life is unpredictable. It is indeed a mystery to be lived.

Notes & Sources: 

1. Gabriel Sherman, The Loudest Voice in the Room: How Roger Ailes and Fox News Remade American Politics. 2014. Random House.
2. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/05/magazine/fly-casting-on-city-streets-is-weird-thats-why-i-love-it.html
3. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/getting-your-affairs-order

About the Author: Rev. Mary Coday Edwards is a Spiritual Growth Facilitator and People House Minister. A life-long student of spirituality, Mary spent almost 20 years living, working, and sojourning abroad in Asia, Southeast Asia, East Africa, and Latin America before finding her spiritual connection at People House and completing its Ministerial Program. Past studies include postgraduate studies from the University of South Africa in Theological Ethics/Ecological Justice, focusing on the spiritual and physical interconnectedness of all things. With her MA in Environmental Studies from Boston University, abroad she worked and wrote on environmental sustainability issues at both global and local levels, in addition to working in refugee repatriation.

After posting that blog, I reflected on the pain and difficult emotions that can arise when we find ourselves outside of our comfort zone. Sometimes we push ourselves into a place of the uncomfortable and, other times, we find ourselves there following or in the midst of a situation or event that is undesired and perhaps out of our control. This could be learning of an affair, a divorce, a trauma, a health crisis, loss of a job or a loved one, etc. And for the current situation living through a global pandemic. Whatever it is—and we’ve all experienced at least one event or situation in our lives that created significant discomfort—the emotions that arise when we feel stressed or scared are worth exploring. Emotions can serve as important messengers, if we pay attention to them. It’s hard to slow down in this world—especially so when we feel like we’re in the throes of crisis or dealing with the aftermath of a fire—but by taking a mindful moment to reflect on our emotions and explore what our emotions are trying to tell us, what can be an otherwise uncomfortable experience becomes an opportunity for discoveries, personal growth and even significant transformation. We can’t tell in the beginning what the transformation will be as it is a lived through experience. It is in looking back we can see the path of transformation.

Discovering The Beauty Beneath the Fire

A few weekends ago, my partner and I were up in Pike National Forest near Woodland Park in the Hayman Fire area in Colorado. The Hayman Fire of 2002 burned for more than 30 days and scorched to the ground 138,000 acres, causing $42 million losses in housing costs alone. This is a place that we’ve visited often, both pre and post fire, and as we cruised around on our ATVs I was struck by the devastation as well as the resilient rebounding of nature. The loss of mature old growth trees revealed the unique beauty of the landscape of the forest that had been unexposed before the fire. I was able to witness what I fondly call ‘The Baby Forest’ returning to life with a thriving diversity of plants, flowers, shrubs and trees that could not fully develop when the old forest overshadowed the floor before the Hayman Fire. I could see rocks, cliffs and other amazing features in the overall landscape, which are usually hidden. You can notice them in the photos I took of the area. Also notice the ‘Baby Forest’ filling in the scorched land. When life is going along in an automatic routine in usual fashion, we generally do not notice the underlying features of who we are as unique individuals with a unique history. Sometimes it takes a fire of some sort to bring both new things and the long overshadowed to the surface.

All this got me thinking about how we all experience fires in our lives—whether we started them ourselves or they were lit up by another. When dealing with a forest fire in our own lives, it can be hard to see the forest through the trees or see the fire as an opportunity to experience or grow something different. But, there can be beauty and eventual growth in the wake of any destruction. And, when we feel into our emotions, seeking messages and learning from a painful experience, what we rebuild is oftentimes more fulfilling than what was there before. One thing is for sure, however. When a forest fire sweeps across the landscape of your life causing devastation, something new will happen. Today we are trying to put the forest fire out across the globe. We are and will create something new.

On this note, I asked a forest ranger we met on our ride about the fire and what has occurred in the ecosystem and environment since Hayman Fire. The ranger said that, in a way, the fire was actually good for the area. A balance of flora and fauna was restored. Plants once overshadowed by the looming trees now had a chance to thrive, which was improving the vitality of wildlife, particularly the deer, in the area. We saw an abundance of wildlife on our excursions through the burn area. While initially scary and even devastating, there can be beauty, growth and opportunity to be found beneath or in the wake of any fire—mental, emotional or physical. It can be challenging, but it boils down to a matter of taking the time, however long or short, to sit with the pain compassionately and then seek the wisdom that resides within the experience. Letting yourself recover with a sense of curiosity and knowing a new ‘Baby Forest’ will spring forth within you that holds lessons valuable to your life.

The Beauty of Change 

I invite you to think back on one of the forest fires of your life. You’re in the midst of one now, think back to a previous one—we all usually have a few. Remember, it may have been that you felt you wanted to quit when the pain felt too heavy and hard to bear. And, like many humans before and among you, you may have fought the pain, not realizing that fighting pain just increases the intensity of it. What we resist persists, and that is certainly true of pain. Allow yourself room to experience the present with whatever might show up be it fear, anxiety, anger and even numbness. Today it feels surreal to me. I am curious and impatient like a teenager. 

However, when we recognize that everything is impermanent—the fire you were thinking about eventually went out, right?—including your pain, it becomes more endurable. And, there is strength and security of self to be discovered when we’re in the throes of a fire. Think about where you are today versus where you were when a particularly devastating fire ignited in your life. Do you feel stronger knowing that you got through it? Did you develop increased trust in your ability to navigate a challenging situation, walk through the fire and come out the other side?

The secret to happiness isn’t the absence of pain or thinking you’re skilled in the art of avoiding it. Rather, it’s learning to embrace change and to lean into and accept pain and other emotions as part of your life experience. It’s also about seeing in hindsight that you have proved yourself capable, even if you fell apart some (we all do and that’s totally okay). But, you got where you are today through these experiences and tomorrow you will probably learn something new about yourself and the world. And, by accepting that what you know and experience today will change and then change again tomorrow, you’re able to embark on a path to greater fulfillment—even if it sometimes includes the pain that comes with stepping (or being pushed) out of what you think you know…today.

Embrace Change and Create Something New

It’s human nature to resist change, although it’s the only thing in this world that we can 100 percent count on. What would you like to let go of and change today? How has something devastating, like a forest fire, ended up becoming a gift in your life? How can you tap into the beauty of change and nurture something new? And, if you need a little more inspiration, check out 21 Insightful Quotes On Embracing Change from success.com, with quotes from people like Henry Ford, JFK, Bill Clinton and Lao Tzu.

About the Author: Brenda Bomgardner is in her encore career. One of her greatest joys is seeing people move beyond life’s roadblocks toward a fulfilling and meaningful life. She believes each person has a purpose in life waiting to be realized that evolves over a lifetime. And the path to reaching life’s purpose is as unique as each individual. We all have dreams. Step by step she will walk with you on uncovering how to bring your dreams to fruition.  Brenda is a counselor, coach and clinical supervisor specializing in practicing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy/Training (ACT) which is a cutting edge evidenced-based processes. This means there is scientific research proven to show ACT works. Before becoming a therapist, she completed a successful 17-year career in Human Resources at a Fortune 500 company. On a personal note she loves the great outdoors, ATV riding, adventure travel and family. To learn more about Brenda visit her About Me page. 

We often hear about “treating the whole person”, which is an acknowledgement that modern Western medicine and psychology has, in practice, separated human beings in disparate parts and treated those parts as if they exist in a vacuum, unconnected to the rest of the person. Medicine has become the domain of specialists, highly educated in a specific area of health. In many ways, psychology has also become the domain of specialists, and it can be difficult for clients and patients to untangle the different modalities and discover which treatment will best serve their needs.

It seems as if physicians treat the body and counselors treat the mind and emotions.

Spiritual practices also may have contributed to this separation, as they have often placed the person’s spiritual needs above and beyond the physical and the realm of emotional life, imparting the belief that one’s eternal soul is a more important concern than physical needs and health. Spiritual leaders often give up many quotidian needs in the service of their spiritual well being.  However, Abraham Maslow recognized in his hierarchy of needs that one must have their basic physical needs met before being able to pursue spiritual goals.

It seems that science has taken us apart in order to learn about how we work, and that spirit calls out to put us back together.

How do we “put a person back together”, therapeutically? 

Perhaps I have experienced childhood or adult physical or emotional trauma, neglect, or other life experiences that have taught me that life is to be feared and people, in general, not to be trusted. This may have taught me to “live in my head” by avoiding feeling my body and my emotions. It may have caused me to numb my feelings or misuse my body through drug or alcohol abuse, or by eating disorders, angry outbursts, or self harm. This dissociation from the body is also dissociation from my soul and my spirit. I might be living on auto pilot, disregarding physical symptoms or seeing them as unrelated to my thinking mind. I might struggle to articulate what I am feeling.

I may resist feeling at all.

It can be uncomfortable or frightening to allow myself to feel my body or to let myself acknowledge long buried emotions. Sometimes smothered emotions emerge as chronic depression, uncontrolled anger, physical illness, or ongoing anxiety.

Do I say to myself, “I wonder why I am feeling so sad much of the time?” Or “I don’t know where that panic attack came from.” It is as if I am stuck in a level of depression or anxiety and not willing to bring it up into the light and examine it. It could be that looking at is seems just too overwhelming. I might be caught and never be able to free myself from the despair, pain, or anger I am carrying in my body.

But the body and the heart never lie.

My mind can lie to me, because it may be filled with ideas, beliefs, mental habits, opinions, and negative cognitions that come from my family of origin, my culture, physical and emotional trauma, or my religious upbringing. They may not be my truths. By bringing these mental habits, the feelings and emotions I carry in my body, I can free myself from the weight of unexamined fears, memories, and experiences. I can bring my mind into alignment with my body, my soul, and my spirit.

This is true integrity, the integration of my being into living a life that manifests my deepest beliefs, values, and priorities. I am then able to know that my work, my personal relationships, my daily actions are expressing who I truly am as a human being, body, mind, and spirit.

Here is a list of some of my favorite authors on the subject of body, mind and spirit integration:

 Larry Dossey

Carolyn Myss

Rudolph Ballentine

Christian Nothrup

Deepak Chopra

Faye Maguire, MA, LACC, is a People House private practitioner working with youth and adults, using a transpersonal approach to therapy. Counseling is her second career, after being a business owner for nearly 30 years. She enjoys working with people experiencing life transitions, grief and loss, depression, anxiety, trauma, addictions, relationship issues, and figuring out life’s direction, using a holistic approach. Please contact her at 720-331-2454 or at fayemaguire@gmail.com for more information.