The clients in my office who change, really change, always embrace one practice: being honest about what happened, and honest about what needs to be different going forward.  In fact, the most powerful explanations for things going awry I hear begin with the words, “I chose.”  “I chose to have unprotected sex and that’s how I got pregnant,” or “I chose to bottle up my feelings and not say anything and now I find myself so resentful I’m on the brink of divorce.”  Granted, it can take a long time for people to get to the place where they see how their choices led to their outcomes.  And, it can take a lot of humility for them to own those choices.  When, and if they do, the changes that follow are profound.  Owning our choices provides a way forward.  In one admission of what we did last time we can also know what we don’t want to do next time.  

The power of seeing our actions as a choice isn’t just in closing the feedback loop, though.  Sometimes making a choice frees up bandwidth for living with the choice.  Finding yourself on the fence about something important?  We don’t tend to realize just how much energy it takes to stay perched on that precipice.  The choice you need to make might be more clear than you’d like to admit, it’s what follows that you’re avoiding.  But owning our outcomes is both empowering for future choice opportunities and for making forward progress.  Perhaps you need to do something you really don’t want to do.  You can spend energy holding yourself in limbo, or that same energy doing damage control and helping yourself cope with hard realities.  At least the latter is moving your life forward.  Your destiny belongs to you.  Choose it. It will set you free.

So back to you, and your New Year’s Resolutions.  Do you really need a goal, or do you need to be honest about what’s happening now?  Do you feel crappy because you’ve eaten every cookie offered and skipped the gym for a month straight?  Perhaps you don’t need to resolve to work out, perhaps you just need to own your choices and their consequences.  “I chose to treat my body like a dumpster for the month of December, that’s why I feel bad.”  I hope you’re smiling when you say this because this exercise isn’t about judgment, it’s about getting in touch with reality.  Yes, yes I did live a large life at the holidays.  Was it worth it once a year? Probably.  Do I need to resolve to be better?  Maybe not.  I already know this isn’t sustainable.  My body doesn’t need a big change, it just needs me to go back to normal.  Continuing to choose this will continue to yield similar results.  When the feedback loop is closed, the problem self-corrects.      

Most of the things we want don’t actually need will power- they need intention.  Do you intend to spend your monthly contribution to your Trip to Greece Fund at the bar?  When we wake up on the first Sunday of January with a headache and less money for Greece we can skip the shame of “failing” at our goal.  Instead we could start with the phrase, “I chose to spend Greece money going out last night.”  That sobering sentence just might snap us into redirecting our fun budget for the following week back toward Greece.  

More importantly though, every moment we feel like our life is off track, like a victim, or even just that Murphy’s Law is always two steps behind us, we come back to ourselves with the words “I chose.”  In those two words is all of our agency.  With those two words about our past we write our future.  May the coming year be everything you set out for it to be.

About the Author: Laura Zwisler is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Lafayette Couples Counseling.  She specializes in relational therapy and men’s work.  Her practice reflects a deep belief that through corrective relational experiences we can heal traumas, get needs met, and fulfill our greatest potential.  In addition to counseling, Laura supervises interns at People House, leads workshops and trainings, and writes about the human experience.  If you are interested in working with Laura, please visit: https://www.lafayettecouplescounseling.com/ or email her at: laura@lafayttecouplescounseling.com.   

There is immense societal pressure, especially in America, to set resolutions in the New Year to improve our lives with new habits and lifestyle changes. But for most of us, if we’re lucky, our resolutions will only last a few months before our motivation peters out and we find ourselves back at square one.

A deeper longing

However annoying this cycle of started and failed resolutions may be, I believe that this annual burst of motivation to better ourselves reveals our longing, as humans, to live a fulfilling and meaningful life.

This desire to live a meaningful life shows up prominently in many of the clients I work with, but their desire is often blocked, in part, by the way they think about meaning and purpose in their daily lives.

Frequently in session, my clients will sarcastically ask, “What is the meaning of life?” or “What is my purpose?” only to scoff, chuckle, or let out a cheeky smile. These questions are asked so often that they have lost their significance and become rhetorical.

These questions feel so unanswerable, uncertain, and weighty. There’s something about these questions that feels intimidating and narrow – how are we to confine our lives to a singular purpose, task, or vocation? To even think about it feels overwhelming and impossible.

A simple suggestion

I think these ‘big’ questions are still worth asking though. But for these questions to actually have an impact on our day-to-day life, I suggest a simple change of wording, a reframe:

• Rather than asking, “What’s the meaning of life?”, what if we were to ask ourselves, “What is meaningful in my life, right now?”
  
• Rather than asking, “What is my life’s purpose?”, what if we were to ask ourselves, “What moments in my life have felt purposeful?”

Life application

To me, these reworded questions feel different – they feel vibrant and alive with potential, rather than being dead-end questions that lead nowhere and discourage progress.

I think all of us can find something, however small, in our lives right now that feels meaningful. It could be a relationship, a friendship, a hobby, a task at work, a walk in the woods, a morning ritual, a book that enthralls us and grabs our attention.

Moreover, most of us have also experienced moments of purpose. Perhaps it was found in a certain class in school, in an interaction, a conversation, or through an activity that made us feel alive and in the moment.

The point here is that meaning and purpose are all around us – all we have to do is take a moment to pause, reflect, and notice. But, to do so can feel impossible in a world bent on perpetual progress, success, and growth. To pause and reflect feels opposed to progress; yet, it is in these moments of silence that we are able to recenter ourselves and rediscover how we want to live our lives.

A challenge

So, to end this blog, I leave you with a simple challenge:

•  In the coming week, I challenge you to set aside 10-15 minutes, grab a pen and paper, silence your phone, and reflect on these two questions:

o   “What is meaningful in my life, right now?”

o   “What moments in my life have felt purposeful?”

• Write down anything that surfaces or grabs your attention, however small or insignificant it may seem.
• Then at the end of the time, look at the list and see if there are any shared themes or similarities across your entries.
• Think of your entries as guideposts to greater meaning and purpose in your life. We will continue to explore this topic in future posts, so hang on to this sheet.

Future direction of blog

In the coming blog posts, I will continue to expand on the topic of meaning and purpose. I will use each blog to focus on how meaning and purpose can show up in certain areas of our lives; specifically, in our relationship to self, to others, to the world, and to the cosmos.

Until then,

– Kevin

About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at kevin@resilientkindness.com

As December moves along, I find myself imagining the New Year. I start anticipating the changes ahead. I wonder about how things will evolve for myself and for those I know and care about. What direction will the conversation head? What shape will the world take? How will we each arrive into whatever is to be?  

I also of course reflect on the year that has now gone by. I think of the moments that stand out. The decisions that were asked of us as individuals, and as a group. What accomplishments can we stand behind? What lessons did we learn as we grew into who it seems we were always becoming… 

I appreciate the reminder to rest and to acknowledge how much each year asks of us.

I know I personally need to slow down and bask in a comfy blanket and a warm cup of tea. What better time to go inward and to contemplate than in that liminal space where one year seems to have ended but the other has not yet begun…   

Slowing down also has the byproduct of making it clear that aspects of this time of year are always hard for me. The strangeness of the phrase “See you next year!” sits with me after I say it. Where did that time go? How quickly things pass when they are in our memory… For me this brings up angst. I start to think about how we only get so many trips around the sun before our time is up. I worry I’m missing the moment, and then, I end up missing the moment because of how worried I was that I would. 

I am also a bit more teary in the winter. For me, my malaise is quite cyclical. Typically I’m okay during the day, it’s at the bookends of winter nights that I struggle. Sleep comes with more tosses and turns, and mornings seem drudgier. I can be quite the grump. In that state, self-care is more difficult to commit to, and comfort food, lets just be honest, sounds way better.

I am much kinder to myself than I used to be. Really I owe much of that change to those who have held space for me. Thank god for love and friendship and therapy! And yet it’s still hard to share pain. When I do, my shame pops right up. Who are you to complain? Why don’t you do something about it then? Do you know how much worse other people have it? What’s wrong with you? Why would you burden other people with this? And on and on that voice can go.  

To name the shame here helps me to interrupt it. I want to give myself permission to take the holiday season in stride. To let all of my emotions be there, without judging them, or myself for having them. It’s okay to have my mixed feelings. Sometimes my joy will be front and center and I’ll be singing (way out of key) and laughing about something silly. At other times my anxiety might make a go for the ol’ rabbit hole. Or perhaps I’ll find myself hanging out with some sadness for the afternoon.

Whatever emotion is there I am grateful to know that there are those to share it with. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for staying connected as we begin again. Happy (and other feelings too) New Year. 

About Elan

I provide therapy for individuals and couples. My approach as a counselor has elements of existentialism, humanism, and transpersonal psychology – though more than anything, I’m committed to helping people discover their authenticity and develop as human beings, in whatever way feels most organic.

elan@elanbenami.com; 720-722-0565

~ Mark Nepo

For years I attended a church that offered an annual end of year ritual, a burning bowl ceremony. The event invited participants to release anything that felt important to let go of – unhealthy thought patterns, limiting beliefs, ego stories of limitation and lack – from the previous year. Each of us would release our stories by writing them out onto small pieces of paper and one by one we would give them over to a flame that would burn away our individual, perceived limitations as part of a collective experience. As we left the burning bowl, while witnessing the flame and smoke carry our words toward the heavens, we were handed new words… an affirmation for the new year. It was astonishing how appropriate, personal and powerful those seemingly random words could be. The ceremony always left me with a feeling of lightness and hopefulness for a fresh start.

With all that we’ve all been through this particular year, and as 2020 comes to an end, I invite you, dear reader, to engage in your own burning bowl ceremony (safely, of course).

And I’d like to suggest including an additional step to the letting go process I described above. Before writing anything down, take some time in private to sit quietly and center yourself. Become present and open, and cultivate a spirit of kind heartedness and compassion for yourself as you begin to reflect on the last twelve months. What was your unique journey over the course of 2020 like for you? What did you lose, what did you gain, what did you learn, what surprised you, what challenged you, what felt easy and okay, what felt impossible, what made you laugh and what made you cry? Allow yourself to grieve the disappointments, frustrations, uncertainties and sadness that you might be carrying as a part of the unprecedented events of the last year.

Grieving is a process and grief rituals have been relied on throughout human history to help us manage and navigate the weight of loss in our lives. Author David Richo, in his book How to Be an Adult in Relationships, recommends these four steps as part of creating a grief ritual; acknowledging, abolishing, renewing and giving back. We might incorporate these steps in our end of year mindful grieving ritual like this:

1. Acknowledge what happened this past year, pandemic and all, and allow yourself, with the same kindness and compassion you would offer a friend in pain, the opportunity to write about your experience and how you were impacted by the past year. Without judgment, use your own words to describe what the year was like for you.

2. When you’re ready and feel complete, abolish your words by burning the pages that you’ve written, perhaps even gathering the ashes and sprinkling them into the wind or onto your garden. Do this mindfully, by being fully present to what you are letting go of and why and how it no longer serves you. 

3. Renew your commitment to the now by being present to any expanding awareness or healing release you notice in this process. Notice anything positive that emerges too. Is there something you learned or a strength that surfaced that you want to carry forward with you into the new year? If so, have an intention to tend to it and build on it. 

4. Look ahead and decide how you want to give back and make your own healing a part of our collective healing. For me, the energy of a new year feels like a blank canvas or a box of brand-new crayons or even a tiny seed… all filled with potential and creative possibilities. What seeds will you plant in this newly tilled garden? What do you want to grow and expand in you? What do you want to come alive in your life? What will you choose for yourself and offer with love to the world?

Words have power… Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements teaches us that “the word is a force, it is the power you have to communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life”.  Working with your words, with the stories that you tell yourself about the things that have happened to you actually gives your brain and body instructions on how to operate physiologically. Current research in the field of self-compassion shows us that the brain does not know the difference between our negative internal dialogue and a triggering conversation with another person. BOTH elicit our threat response and release stress hormones. Letting go of words that limit and embracing words that empower and inspire is part of the science AND magic of the grieving process and the burning bowl ceremony. These practices offer us the chance to choose how we want to move forward into a new year… what we can release and let go of and what we want to carry with us. 

Resources:

Nepo, M. (2000). The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have. San Francisco: Conari Press. 

Richo, D. (2002). How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving (1st ed.). Shambhala.

Ruiz, D. M. (2018). The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book). Amber-Allen Publishing, Incorporated.

Michelle is a mother, a partner, a friend, a spiritual seeker, a psychotherapist and someone who enjoys connecting with herself within a mindfulness meditation practice. She has a BA in Communications and Humanities from the University of Colorado and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling with a concentration in Mindfulness-based Transpersonal Psychology from Naropa University. Michelle’s practice, Soul Care Counseling, offers mindfulness-based practices that support clients seeking to become less anxious, less stressed, less reactive and more grounded, present and connected with their own inner ally. As a result of their work together, clients are able to communicate with themselves and others with greater clarity, care and compassion.  https://soulcaredenver.com/