The clients in my office who change, really change, always embrace one practice: being honest about what happened, and honest about what needs to be different going forward.  In fact, the most powerful explanations for things going awry I hear begin with the words, “I chose.”  “I chose to have unprotected sex and that’s how I got pregnant,” or “I chose to bottle up my feelings and not say anything and now I find myself so resentful I’m on the brink of divorce.”  Granted, it can take a long time for people to get to the place where they see how their choices led to their outcomes.  And, it can take a lot of humility for them to own those choices.  When, and if they do, the changes that follow are profound.  Owning our choices provides a way forward.  In one admission of what we did last time we can also know what we don’t want to do next time.  

The power of seeing our actions as a choice isn’t just in closing the feedback loop, though.  Sometimes making a choice frees up bandwidth for living with the choice.  Finding yourself on the fence about something important?  We don’t tend to realize just how much energy it takes to stay perched on that precipice.  The choice you need to make might be more clear than you’d like to admit, it’s what follows that you’re avoiding.  But owning our outcomes is both empowering for future choice opportunities and for making forward progress.  Perhaps you need to do something you really don’t want to do.  You can spend energy holding yourself in limbo, or that same energy doing damage control and helping yourself cope with hard realities.  At least the latter is moving your life forward.  Your destiny belongs to you.  Choose it. It will set you free.

So back to you, and your New Year’s Resolutions.  Do you really need a goal, or do you need to be honest about what’s happening now?  Do you feel crappy because you’ve eaten every cookie offered and skipped the gym for a month straight?  Perhaps you don’t need to resolve to work out, perhaps you just need to own your choices and their consequences.  “I chose to treat my body like a dumpster for the month of December, that’s why I feel bad.”  I hope you’re smiling when you say this because this exercise isn’t about judgment, it’s about getting in touch with reality.  Yes, yes I did live a large life at the holidays.  Was it worth it once a year? Probably.  Do I need to resolve to be better?  Maybe not.  I already know this isn’t sustainable.  My body doesn’t need a big change, it just needs me to go back to normal.  Continuing to choose this will continue to yield similar results.  When the feedback loop is closed, the problem self-corrects.      

Most of the things we want don’t actually need will power- they need intention.  Do you intend to spend your monthly contribution to your Trip to Greece Fund at the bar?  When we wake up on the first Sunday of January with a headache and less money for Greece we can skip the shame of “failing” at our goal.  Instead we could start with the phrase, “I chose to spend Greece money going out last night.”  That sobering sentence just might snap us into redirecting our fun budget for the following week back toward Greece.  

More importantly though, every moment we feel like our life is off track, like a victim, or even just that Murphy’s Law is always two steps behind us, we come back to ourselves with the words “I chose.”  In those two words is all of our agency.  With those two words about our past we write our future.  May the coming year be everything you set out for it to be.

About the Author: Laura Zwisler is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Lafayette Couples Counseling.  She specializes in relational therapy and men’s work.  Her practice reflects a deep belief that through corrective relational experiences we can heal traumas, get needs met, and fulfill our greatest potential.  In addition to counseling, Laura supervises interns at People House, leads workshops and trainings, and writes about the human experience.  If you are interested in working with Laura, please visit: https://www.lafayettecouplescounseling.com/ or email her at: laura@lafayttecouplescounseling.com.   

A presidential inauguration is just one type of ritual among many. This post invites readers to consider making ritual a regular part of our everyday lives, wrapping the small, quiet moments of life in sacred meaning and creating a space where the soul waits. “Ritual maintains the world’s holiness. Knowing that everything we do, no matter how simple, has a halo of imagination around it and can serve the soul enriches life and makes the things around us more precious, more worthy of our protection and care.” These are the words of Thomas Moore, from his book Care of the Soul: A Guide to Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life, which inspires us to consider that the soul has requirements for thriving, one of which is ritual. Making ritual accessible is the invitation here, which begs the question; what are the basic ingredients for creating and honoring the sacredness of our daily lives through the practice of ritual?

I spoke with Boulder psychotherapist Merryl Rothaus, MA, LPC (see bio below) about this idea of the basic ingredients for creating ritual. She’s an artist and a believer in the healing potential of ritual and has been practicing the art of ritual with clients and in her personal life for years. In our recent phone conversation, Merryl shared with me what she believes the basic ingredients for ritual might be… remembering that there is so much freedom in it for each of us to explore for ourselves too. 

Intention

Merryl suggests that the first ingredient is to have an intention to make something in your life sacred or special. This could be as simple as intentionally setting a beautiful table for yourself for dinner each night or lighting a candle in the morning to illuminate your day. The options are endless… allowing intention to imbue our daily activities with focus and meaning is the point. Intention also helps us bypass the psyche and move out of the mind. Ask yourself… what do I want to welcome in to honor this moment or this activity? And how do I want to show up in it?

Witnessing

The next ingredient is to bring a spirit of collaboration to the space we intend to create. This means having an understanding of an I-Thou relationship, or as Merryl says “to invoke something outside ourselves… a Thou such as Mother Earth, the land, our ancestors, Spirit, God… there’s a witnessing component that is important here, because we are not alone. It’s important to remember and connect with the unseen realm”. Get quiet and ask yourself who or what would feel helpful to ask to join you in this ritual? 

Action

The third basic ingredient is to take an action. This can be, as suggested earlier, as simple as lighting a candle. Doing so creates a threshold or a bridge, beckoning us to cross from who we’ve been or who we are into a quiet space of not-knowing. In the language of mindfulness study, taking action signals a time to be still and step into presence. Merryl points out that “Ritual, brings presence, it is absolutely not necessary to be present already before engaging in ritual…  the ritual itself can infuse us with presence and connect us with life energy”. With this in mind, what action would feel meaningful to you in order to signal the start of your ritual and offers the possibility of stepping into the Now? Traditional options include burning incense, reading something meaningful, spending time in prayer, honoring a keepsake and connecting to the energy of it or simply sitting in silence. 

Author David Richo says that “a ritual enacts a newfound consciousness, making its deepest reality proximate and palpable. It sanctifies the place we are in and the things we feel by consecrating them to something higher than the transitory”. Try it yourself… explore how incorporating daily rituals opens up possibility and “newfound consciousness” in your life. 

Resources:

Moore, T. (1994). Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life. New York, New York: HarperPerennial.

Richo, D. (2002). How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving (1st ed.). Shambhala.

Merryl E. Rothaus, LPC, LMHC, ATR-BC, CHT, is a licensed psychotherapist, a registered and board-certified art therapist, a certified Hakomi therapist, and a Somatic Experiencing and Brainspotting practitioner. She is also a dedicated Meditation Practitioner and a Shamanic Practitioner. She is currently working on a book about her journey and attempts toward motherhood and what it is like to be a “Mother Without Children”. You can learn more by visiting her website https://www.merrylrothaus.com/ or by following her on Instagram @merrylrothaus.

Michelle is a mother, a partner, a friend, a spiritual seeker, a psychotherapist and someone who enjoys connecting with herself within a mindfulness meditation practice. She has a BA in Communications and Humanities from the University of Colorado and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling with a concentration in Mindfulness-based Transpersonal Psychology from Naropa University. Michelle’s practice, Soul Care Counseling, offers mindfulness-based practices that support clients seeking to become less anxious, less stressed, less reactive and more grounded, present and connected with their own inner ally. As a result of their work together, clients are able to communicate with themselves and others with greater clarity, care and compassion.  https://soulcaredenver.com/

I would wager the vast majority of people these days probably don’t consider much of a spiritual element in the way that they care for their dwelling space, save, perhaps, for a yoga or meditation corner. The closest iteration of ritual for some people is likely in the way they decorate, or even the regularity with which they clean their homes. 

As a person who is drawn to the art of subtle energies (intuition, psychic experiences, empathic feelings, etc.), I was very intrigued to come across The House Witch by Arin Murphy-Hiscock just days before our move. In all my studies of magic, alternative healing, and the like, the most I’ve ever come across about “hearthcraft,” if you will, can be generally summed up by the following statement:

“It’s important to take care of the energy in your space.”

There often isn’t much more to it, so in the past I’ve done a few things here and there, but mostly ignored the energy in my home because, save for a neglected altar and a periodic smoke cleansing, I didn’t know what else to do. 

It is not a new concept to make the home a sacred space, but it is, I believe, in this period of collective upheaval and uncertainty, a better time than most to start trying. Cultivating helpful, loving energy in your home can be as simple or as formal (I’m looking at you, Capricorn!) as you’d like to make it. One of the most beneficial aspects of cultivating magic, chi, or energy in your home is that this spruced-up vibration then flows into other areas of your life. If this seems like a foreign concept, consider this:

Many of the principles of home and hearth magic share their ethos with Buddhist and mindfulness-based practices. 

In a nutshell, cultivating the energy in your home can be done by focusing in the following key areas, which have been paraphrased and expanded from The House Witch:

1. Learning to be present. This can be especially helpful in moments when we feel tired or rushed, such as trying to get dressed to get out the door, or sluggishly putting together a meal at the end of a long day. Focusing on the task at hand rather than what has happened in the past or the future helps to calm the mind and as such, the environment around you.
2. Creating intention. Even the smallest task, such as seasoning food or washing dishes, becomes an elevated experience when the intention is made to do it just so. This is not about micromanaging, but about creating awareness around why you are doing something, rather than just zoning out or seeing it as something to get through. With intention we harness the energy to nurture ourselves and our space.
3. Clearly direct your energy. Somewhat of an extension of creating intention, directing your energy means using your focus to pinpoint where you want your energy to go and what you want the outcome to be. When we are less mindful, especially when we are tired or rushed, we lose a lot of valuable energy simply because we are not creating clear intention and direction with our tasks. 
4. Hocus, focus. Pick one thing at a time to focus on. Life starts to feel overwhelming when our minds run rampant, trying to decipher and problem-solve everything at once. Meditation can certainly help with this, as can creating awareness around moments of feeling overwhelmed and scatterbrained. Even if you’re worried about tomorrow’s project, give yourself the gift of taking a mental break from that while you stir your soup, or place the blanket back on the couch. 

Humans also have a tendency to focus their attention on what they perceive as their personal space within a home, such as a bedroom or office. Collective spaces, like the kitchen and living room, are then left at the mercy of whatever energies collect by the colliding of multiple lives that occur there. Paying attention to shared spaces is just as important, if not more so, than monitoring the energy of private parts of the home. 

If you’re feeling ready to take a more active role in guiding the energy of your home, here are a few simple ways to get started:

a. Place a bowl of water or salt in a room to absorb unwanted energy. This can also be done in the four corners of the house to create a grid, but should be discarded and refreshed frequently. The same can be done using crystals and cleansing them on a regular basis. Smoky quartz and black tourmaline are good for this.

b. Clean with intention. Sweep towards the doors that lead outside, mentally picturing any unhelpful energy getting swept away along with it. Dispose of any debris in trash cans outside the home; don’t let it sit inside once it’s been intentionally collected. If you like you can follow this up with an herbal floor wash. Simply make a tea of your favorite loose herbs and dilute a bit with water, using the energy of your hands or focused intention that the herbs fill the water and your home with blessings and protection. 

c. Smoke is a common choice for cleansing a space these days, and can be very effective, but seeing as how white sage and palo santo are now at risk plants due to overharvesting, and are sacred to certain cultures, it’s great to look into other options. Juniper and mugwort are both quite prolific and cleansing in their own rite. Chimes or singing bowls can also be used to cleanse a space using sound vibration. For more folk-inspired techniques, hanging a rope of garlic or placing a cut onion in the center of the room are also said to dispel unhelpful energies. 

I tend to prefer philosophies that value the depth of intention over how closely one follows specific instructions. To that end, if there are ideas that come to you naturally about how you’d like to cultivate your space, I think that is just as valid as any instructions found in a book.

If you find yourself feeling frayed, lacking energy, or simply feeling the weight of the world these days, you are certainly not alone.

Taking time to care for both yourself and your home can provide a much-needed refuge, a place for you to rest and restore as you follow your path in this world. 

Blessed be. 

If you’re interested in more ways to take care of your home, including recipes and more complex rituals, please do read “The House Witch” by Arin Murphy-Hiscock. It does not fall under the category of “Wicca” but is simply based on the author’s personal practice, which takes inspiration from many different areas. 

People refuse to wear masks, thus endangering the lives of our more vulnerable from Covid. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos added $13 billion to his net worth in a single day, while his company paid just a little over 1% in taxes in 2019, despite the United States 21% federal tax rate on corporations (1). An estimated 19 to 23 million individuals are at high risk of being evicted from their homes by the end of September, hitting Black and Latinx rents the hardest (2). We have a corporatized healthcare system unable and ill-equipped to provide basic healthcare and fostering increasing inequities (3). And we have a policing system rife with systemic and structural racism.

In spite of all the anger and yes—hate—we can train in compassion. We train in order to RELEARN to relate to ourselves, others, and the world around us from a place of understanding and compassion rather than from excessive judgment. Full disclosure: I can more easily extend compassion and well-being toward the sheep. It’s the leaders who perpetuate social and ecological injustices for greed, selfishness, and political gain who I have trouble with. 

SEE BEHIND: THE INTENTION TO BE OPEN TO THE FIELD OF LOVE

For this I turn to the teachings of Andrew Dreitcer, Associate Professor of Spirituality, Director of Spiritual Formation, and Co-Director of the Center for Engaged Compassion. I attended his workshop at the 2016 International Symposium for Contemplative Studies, hosted by the Mind & Life Institute (4 and 5). 

Using a thousand-year-old Christian early morning practice, he led us in a process of INTENTION to be open;  i.e., when we are not capable of compassion, but we truly desire to be available to the presence of love, for ourselves and others. 

First centering ourselves, he asked us to seek within us one word that could focus us on the intention to be open. 

That word—our mantra—was then the focus of our meditation for the next 20 minutes, the idea being that throughout the day when anger or fury arose and compassion for our fellow human beings was nowhere to be found, we could return to this word with the intent to extend compassion. 

I find this process very hopeful—and helpful. Instead of throwing myself on the rocks for my lack of compassion, I can at least stay in this space of intent, knowing it is an ancient monastic tradition where it just might lead me into a “connection with an eternal, loving presence,” as Andrew called it.  

SEE BEHIND: COMPASSION VS. EMPATHY

At that same conference, Geshe Thupten JInpa of McGill University spoke on “Understanding the Psychology Behind Compassion Meditation.”

Compassion is a natural sense of concern that arises within us when confronted with another’s suffering and then feel motivated to see that suffering relieved. 

It’s comprised of three parts: first there’s the understanding that someone IS suffering; second, we feel an emotional connection; and third, we are motivated to see the suffering relieved. And this third piece of “doing” includes the prayerful act of practicing lovingkindness toward another, of wishing the other well by connecting spiritually to our common humanity.

A significant difference between empathy and compassion is that third step:  empathy takes us to the place where we enter emotionally into someone else’s suffering; we focus on the problem and the experience of it. If we stay in this emotional swirl, we can easily shift into “empathy burnout”. 

We manifest compassion, however, when motivated to relieve that suffering; it takes on an ethical quality—a way of being. 

A solution to the personal distress of empathy burnout is to shift empathy to compassion. Empathy can take a form of “feeling for” vs. the “feeling with” of compassion.  

SEE BEHIND

On the word lovingkindness, meditation author and teacher Sharon Salzberg says that while the word includes “a deep acknowledgement of connection [with someone], it doesn’t mean you like them or approve of them; it doesn’t demand action; it doesn’t mean being sweet, with only a sugary ‘yes’” to that which contradicts who we are.

“Compassion,” she continued, “rests on the shared understanding that we are all quite vulnerable. In life there is nothing we can hold on to” as permanent, all is always changing. 

Whatever your experience is, sit mindfully with it experience nonjudgmentally, asking your higher self what you can do to mitigate the suffering around us. You may just sit there and breathe, expressing goodwill toward that person. You may find yourself walking away. You may find yourself at a demonstration, facing exposure to teargas. 

I encourage you to see behind: to see behind someone else’s comments and actions—and your own. Train in shifting that energy within you from excessive judgment to compassion and lovingkindness.

Notes & Sources: 

1. https://www.fastcompany.com/90536152/calculate-how-many-seconds-it-takes-jeff-bezos-to-earn-your-annual-salary; https://www.salon.com/2020/07/24/as-laid-off-workers-face-a-financial-cliff-amazons-jeff-bezos-grows-13-billion-richer-in-one-day_partner/
2. https://www.healthaffairs.org/do/10.1377/hblog20200730.190964/full/
3. https://www.who.int/features/factfiles/health_inequities/en/#:~:text=Health%20inequities%20are%20differences%20in,right%20mix%20of%20government%20policies.
4. ISCS “brings together scientists, scholars, artists and contemplatives to explore distinct though overlapping fields of research and scholarship, using a multidisciplinary, integrative approach to advance our understanding of the human mind.” This blog includes thoughts from a previous blog I wrote in 2017.
5. The mission of the Mind & Life Institute is to alleviate suffering and promote flourishing by integrating science with contemplative practice and wisdom traditions. https://www.mindandlife.org/mission 

About the Author: Rev. Mary Coday Edwards is a Spiritual Growth Facilitator and People House Minister. A life-long student of spirituality, Mary spent almost 20 years living, working, and sojourning abroad in Asia, Southeast Asia, East Africa, and Latin America before finding her spiritual connection at People House and completing its Ministerial Program. Past studies include postgraduate studies from the University of South Africa in Theological Ethics/Ecological Justice, focusing on the spiritual and physical interconnectedness of all things. With her MA in Environmental Studies from Boston University, abroad she worked and wrote on environmental sustainability issues at both global and local levels, in addition to working in refugee repatriation.