A Pew Research poll from 2021 found that nearly 70% of adults rated their dating lives as “not going well,” and a little over half said dating has gotten harder in the last 10 years.

Be it dating apps, post-COVID society, consumer capitalism, political polarity, or the looming deterioration of our social safety net, something is making love very hard. And setting aside the potential for recency bias, it’s only getting harder.

Love still flourishes in the modern day; I hope you won’t mistake my critique for cynicism. But something’s changed. In nearly every way, our world has been turned over and inside out in the last few decades. Everything exists in context. Love is no exception. Love is just like us: struggling to find its footing in this new world. And ours is a world rife with too much. A constant overload to the system.

Too much, too many.

Too many appointments to keep. Too many bills to pay with too little money. Too many screens and ads vying for every millisecond of our attention. And in turn, too few mental and emotional resources to dedicate to any of it. Painful, overwhelming landscape we have. In this landscape, for the sake of ease, everything gets steamrolled into a product we can consume. A product that can make life a little easier.

Because what is a product marketed to do? Provides a solution to a problem (at least that’s what they try to convince us of!). And to solve a multitude of modern problems, love comes as a neatly packaged solution, heralding connection and meaning and promising the banishment of isolation. Watch any rom-com. You get it!

Love becomes a product we must shop for with the savvy eye of a practiced saver (in this economy!?). A product to hold up against our pros-and-cons list. A product to run through the sieve of our cost-benefit analysis.

Forgive the analogy, but why do we analyze the products we consume? Humming beneath this desire, there looms a question: Will this best meet my needs? And shifting to our connections with other people, one more question beneath that: Will this person meet my needs, and can I meet theirs? And beneath that one, perhaps another two, buried a little further down: Can I do everything in my power to be certain? And can that certainty protect me from pain?

Anyone presented with that question would indignantly respond, “Of course that’s impossible!” The reason being, this is not a conscious drive. Pain avoidance and pleasure seeking are the knee-jerk reactions of a nervous system evolutionarily designed to help us survive. Thankfully, now we have plenty of neurobiology research to validate what Freud (that asshole!) once postulated as the pleasure-pain principle.

So avoid pain, we do. Seek certainty, we will. And to do it, we will mold ourselves and our partners into need-meeting products for each other’s consumption. We attempt to make ourselves and each other understandable and knowable to protect ourselves against the ultimate knowledge that love is beyond our control.

So instead of accepting, we consume each other. We disappear into each other, expecting the other to meet us where we are, to know us fully, and to be known by us.

In Love’s Executioner, Irvin Yalom describes this phenomenon with the language of existential isolation. “Many a marriage,” he writes, “has failed because, instead of relating to, and caring for one another, one person uses another as a shield against isolation.”

But, something so enigmatic as love cannot be pounded into the shape of a shield. So love resists. We push back on the other’s demands; we rebel when the other doesn’t love us the way we want them to. We lob Why can’t you just understand? at one another like hand grenades in the war against our fears. Our relationships become ensnared by this entanglement of our own making. Then nearly seventy percent of us throw our hands up and say, “It’s not going well!”

In Greek mythology, the story of the god Eros (or Cupid) and the princess Psyche (whose name means soul) tells the story of the unknowability of love. Eros and Psyche are arranged to be married; then they fall in love. With one caveat: Eros only visits Psyche in the dark. Theirs is a love that requires mystery, separateness. But the deeper Psyche’s feelings grow, the more she relies on him, the more anxious she becomes to see the face of her lover. One night, while Eros is sleeping, Psyche lights a lamp and holds it up to finally see his face. But nearly instantly, he disappears.

Forcing love into a box of certainty (Psyche’s need to understand, to close the unknown distance between them) made love vanish.

Jean-Luc Marion, a modern French philosopher, writes about this phenomenon. He says, “To love is to accept that one might be loved without being able to return it, and above all without being able to understand it.”

In couples therapy, the concept of “differentiation” is a steady undercurrent of the work. I said up top that much of the work of therapy is acceptance of what we cannot control. Differentiation in this context refers to each individual’s ability to maintain a strong sense of self—thoughts, ideas, identity—outside of the other person while still maintaining their relationship. A couples study conducted in 2021 found that a high sense of differentiated self in both partners was the strongest predictor of overall relationship health. Our ability to allow one another the room to meet our needs (or not), to give to us (or not), to be a whole, complex, imperfect person, not an object, can predict our ability to sustain love.

Try as we might (and we try!), we cannot force the distance between us closed by flattening love into a knowable product or by molding our partners and ourselves into something that will meet needs or solve problems.

In the story of Eros and Psyche, after Eros’ disappearance, Psyche sets out on an epic, painful solo quest of transformation (even descending into the underworld!) to eventually reunite with her lover as her own person. A person who has grappled with the end of certainty and wrestled the ultimate unknown of death and come out on the other side.

It is the shattering of a fantasy that makes way for the real work of love. Because good love is what happens after the bubble pops, after the illusion of certainty completely fades. It is the humble work of self-exploration, of accepting the labor of transformation, and of differentiating.

Because the anxious need to flatten love into a known entity is not the end. It’s the beginning. It’s the door finally opening to a path where love becomes not a solution or a shield against the dark, but instead a liberated acceptance of the wild, untamable unknown.

About the Author: Taylor Arroganté-Reyes is a Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate and the owner of Congruence Psychotherapy. In individual work, she specializes in existential therapy and parts work. With couples and partner systems, she specializes in consensual non monogamy and non-normative relationship structures. Her work seeks to invite an open-handedness to the ever-unfolding mystery of life. Her practice is grounded in the belief that genuine relational contact between us and within us can heal, change, and liberate— allowing us to become who we hope to be. If you are interested in working with Taylor, please visit https://congruencepsychotherapy.com/ or email her at taylor@congruencepsychotherapy.com. 

In the last post, we looked at the importance of identifying and expressing our core needs (previous blog link here). In this final blog, we’ll explore the last component of NVC: learning how to make compassionate requests and speak our needs clearly. 

Review of the Four Components

To review, NVC includes four essential components:

1. Observation – Describing what is happening without judgment.
2. Feelings – Naming how we feel in response to what we observe.
3. Needs – Identifying the unmet needs underlying those feelings.
4. Request – Asking for an action that might meet those needs.

Now we’ll explore how to put all these steps into action by making clear, respectful, and actionable requests.

What Is a Compassionate Request?

A compassionate request is not about controlling someone else’s behavior. It’s an open invitation, an expression of your needs paired with a concrete, doable action that someone might take to help meet that need. Unlike a demand, a request creates space for choice.

Requests in NVC are:

• Specific – They focus on a clear, observable action.
• Present or near-term – They ask for something realistic and timely.
• Open to “no” – They respect the other person’s autonomy.

For example, instead of saying, “I want you to respect me,” you might say, “Would you be willing to let me finish speaking before responding?” This version offers clarity and invites cooperation rather than resistance.

Why Requests Can Be Difficult

Many of us struggle to ask for what we need. We fear rejection or we may feel guilty for making a request in the first place. Some of us have learned to put others’ needs first, while also ignoring or suppressing our own desires. As a result, we may rely on indirect or passive methods, hoping others will guess what we need or expecting them to notice without being told.

The problem is that unmet needs rarely resolve themselves in silence and rely heavily on the assumption that others can pick what we’re needing without us asking them. And when we don’t make direct requests, we risk building resentment, misunderstanding, or miscommunication. But when we clearly express what we need, we give others the opportunity to show up with care. 

The irony here is that although it is scary to make a request, our needs are more likely to be  met when we do so.

Requests vs. Demands

One of the core shifts in NVC is learning to recognize the difference between a request and a demand. A demand implies that there will be negative consequences if the other person says no. This often triggers defensiveness or fear.

In contrast, a true request comes with the understanding that the other person has a choice. It holds space for a “no,” and trusts that if our request is met, it will be met willingly and with the other’s consent and cooperation.

If you feel angry or resentful when someone says “no,” it may indicate that your request was actually a demand. In those moments, it can help to reconnect with your core need and consider other ways it might be met.

How to Make Compassionate Requests

When you’re ready to make a request, try this simple structure:

“When I see/hear __________,
I feel __________,
because I need __________.
Would you be willing to __________?”

Here are a few examples:

• “When meetings run late, I feel overwhelmed because I need more structure. Would you be willing to help us start on time?”
• “When I opened up and you changed the subject, I felt dismissed because I needed to feel heard. Would you be willing to ask more questions when I share?”
• “I’ve been feeling stretched thin lately. I need more support. Would you be open to helping with dinner this week?”

Requests like these are respectful, actionable, and grounded in your needs. They give the other person a clear pathway to respond with care, rather than relying on ambiguity or assumption. 

Final Thoughts

Making requests may feel awkward or vulnerable at first, especially if you’re not used to asking for what you need. But with time and practice, this kind of communication becomes more natural and easier to incorporate into daily life. 

To recap, compassionate communication involves:

• Observing without judgment.
• Feeling your emotions without blame.
• Identifying the needs beneath those emotions.
• Requesting specific actions with clarity and kindness.

Each of these steps invites deeper self-awareness and richer connection. They allow us to express what matters to us, while also honoring the needs of others. This is the heart of compassionate communication.

Thank you for walking through this series with me. I hope it’s offered insight, encouragement, and practical tools for strengthening your relationships through the application of the four principles of compassionate communication. 

If you enjoyed this series and want to learn more about Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I highly recommend Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. The book dives into all the principles listed here, but in greater detail, depth, and clarity. 

About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at kevin@resilientkindness.com

In the last blog, we identified the importance of objectively observing our experience and circumstances and then connecting it very specifically to how we feel (previous blog link here). In this blog post, we’ll move onto the third component of the nonviolent communication framework – identifying our core needs.

Review of Key Components

For review, Rosenberg’s framework, nonviolent communication has four components that when used together create connection and foster collaboration. The four components are: 

1. Observation – Separating observations from evaluations. This means describing what is happening without judgment or interpretation.
2. Feelings – Expressing how you feel in response to the situation, rather than how you think or what you interpret.
3. Needs – Identifying the unmet needs that are causing the feelings. This helps to express what’s driving the emotion.
4. Request – Making a specific, actionable request that might fulfill the need.

Identifying Needs

If we are able to observe our interactions with others and identify how we are actually feeling, then the next logical step is to identify the need beneath the feeling. Our emotions often arise when a core need is not being met. 

We get angry because our need to be heard and understood is not being met; we get sad and overwhelmed because our need for stability is not being honored; we feel anxious because we need reassurance.

Rosenberg breaks down our core needs into six categories: autonomy, connection, meaning, peace, physical well-being, and play. I’d encourage you to click on this link and look over the list to familiarize yourself with each category and the needs within them. 

Just like with emotions, expanding our language to identify our needs is a vital skill in compassionate communication. The more words we have for our emotions and needs, the more precise we will be able to communicate them to others,

Roadblocks

However, it is a complex task to be able to take the time and space to actually identify the need beneath the feeling. In fact, when someone communicates harshly or directly with us we can resort to blaming ourselves or the other person. Blame is a defensive reaction when we are confronted with difficult truths or hard conversations; and although it may feel valid at the time, blame, judgement, or criticism all alienate us from our own needs and values.

For example, we might say out of frustration, “You never understand me.” In framing our communication this way, it places blame on and defers responsibility to the other person. It is also an indirect way of expressing our needs, which are more likely to cause you or the other person to shut down and react defensively. In the example above, the real need is the desire to be seen, heard, and understood. 

The Vulnerability Inherent in Expressing our Needs

Blame, guilt, or criticism are all indirect or passive-aggressive means of communicating what we actually need. And although well-intentioned, they usually create more harm, confusion, and disconnect. 

Yet there is a certain vulnerability to acknowledging and identifying our needs. By acknowledging our needs, we invite the possibility that our needs are worthwhile; and more importantly that we are worthwhile. 

Many of us were taught that needs don’t matter and we must always look after the needs of others to the neglect of ourselves. It takes a great deal of bravery to create enough space within yourself to acknowledge, identify, and communicate these needs to others.

The silver-lining in all this is that the more direct and precise we are in communicating our needs, the more likely we are to be met with compassion and the more likely our needs will be met. It is certainly a risk to communicate our needs, but the connection it can cause is absolutely worth the discomfort and vulnerability.

How to Communicate Your Needs

Communicating our needs, like our emotions, may feel like a foreign language to you right now, so it’s best to start with a simple, easy to remember formula. Basically all you do is connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need…”

Some examples:

• “I feel angry when you say that I’m not reliable because I need to feel heard and respected by you.”
• “I feel discouraged because I would have liked to have progressed further in my work by now.”
• “I’m sad you won’t be coming for dinner because I was hoping we could spend the evening together.”

Conclusion

Good communication takes practice and self-awareness. It arises through observing what’s happening, identifying what you’re feeling, and then communicating the need beneath that feeling. It may feel choppy at first, but over time compassionate communication will become automatic as you lean into a more enhanced way of connecting and relating to others.

In the last blog, we identified the roadblocks that often get in the way of understanding and collaboration in our communication – namely judgment, comparison, denial of responsibility, and making demands (previous blog link here). In this blog post, we’ll move onto the key components of non-violent communication. 

Key Components

In Rosenberg’s framework, nonviolent communication has four components that when used together create connection and foster collaboration. The four components are: 

1. Observation – Separating observations from evaluations. This means describing what is happening without judgment or interpretation.
2. Feelings – Expressing how you feel in response to the situation, rather than how you think or what you interpret.
3. Needs – Identifying the unmet needs that are causing the feelings. This helps to express what’s driving the emotion.
4. Request – Making a specific, actionable request that might fulfill the need. 

For today’s blog, we’ll be focusing and expanding on the first two steps – observing without evaluating and identifying and expressing feelings. 

Observing without Evaluating

The first step in developing compassionate communication is to try and objectively observe the situation, rather than evaluating or applying judgment.

When something bothers us or a need of ours is not being met, we can rush to make evaluations and generalizations about the other person (e.g., “You’re too lazy”, “He’s always late”). But these evaluations often come off as critical and demeaning, resulting in the other person feeling resistance and reluctance towards the person we’re trying to communicate with. 

To counter this human tendency to rush to judgment, Rosenberg stresses the need to make observations that are specific to time and context. For example, rather than saying, “You’re too lazy and don’t contribute to the relationship,” you would say, “Over the last week, I’ve done the dishes the last three nights by myself.” Or rather than saying, “You’re rude”, you would say, “You raised your voice and rolled your eyes.”

The point here is that in order for communication to be effective we first have to identify specific observations tied to time and context instead of resorting to exaggeration, generalization, or judgement. By doing this, we take responsibility for our words, making our communication more likely to foster openness and collaboration.

Identifying and Expressing Feelings 

The second step is to learn to identify and express how we are feeling. Identifying and expressing your feelings is a vital skill because it helps you connect with yourself and others. And by expressing how we feel, we show vulnerability, which in turn can help resolve conflicts and create greater collaboration. 

However, this is a skill that can be quite difficult for many of us to develop, primarily because we don’t have the vocabulary or inner awareness to describe how we are actually feeling. Most of the time we resort to words or statements that describe thoughts, assessments, or interpretations, rather than expressing our true feelings. This is partly because in the English language we frequently use the phrase, “I feel…” to describe thoughts or judgments, rather than actual feelings. For example, “I feel I should have gotten that job” communicates a thought and would better be communicated as “I think I should have gotten that job.” Another pitfall is that we don’t always need to use the word “feel” to describe our feelings. Rather than saying, “I feel sad,” we can simply say, “I’m sad.” 

The alternative to these pitfalls is to choose words that refer to specific emotions. The English language has a plethora of words to describe feeling states, with each word having a slightly different nuance and meaning. For example, the general feeling of sadness becomes more specific and expansive when we use different words like despairing, lonely, or regretful. By changing the vocabulary we use, we can capture more of our experience and communicate it better to others. 

I’d encourage you to check out this full list of feelings (link here) that describe a wide array of emotional states. By looking at this sheet and familiarizing yourself with different feelings, you’ll begin to be able to increase your ability to articulate your feelings, which will vastly improve your communication in your relationships. 

In the next blog post, I’ll continue expanding on the final two steps to bring everything together, so that you can practice and master the art of compassionate communication. 

About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at kevin@resilientkindness.com

In this four-part series, I will be exploring the topic of communication and expanding on ways you can foster compassionate communication that will enrich your lives and relationships. I will be using Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s framework of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and highly suggest the reader pick up a copy of Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. 

For this first post, I will be exploring ways our language can get in the way of compassionate communication. In subsequent posts, I will unpack the four components of NVC and ways you can effectively apply these principles in your life and relationships. 

Roadblocks to Compassionate Communication

Moralistic Judgments 

According to Rosenberg, one of the primary ways we prevent compassionate communication is when we impose moralistic judgements on others. This way of perceiving others is deeply impersonal and seeks to categorize others into what we evaluate to be “right” or “wrong.” 

By reacting this way, we implicitly criticize and dehumanize the other, making them feel undervalued. And when one feels undervalued, they are likely to respond from a place of resistance and defensiveness, making it difficult to foster authentic connection.

In some instances, people will respond to our judgment and will change their behavior. But this change is motivated by fear, guilt, or shame and is not conducive towards personal growth or enrichment. 

We’ve all likely been criticized and have felt the negative impact  of other’s judgment (e.g., “You’re lazy,” “You don’t listen”, “You’re too controlling.”). And the tragic irony of these expressions is they actually communicate our needs in an indirect, albeit harmful way. For example, the judgement, “You don’t listen” may actually be communicating, “I feel sad and frustrated when we speak and am wanting to feel more understood and seen.”

Comparison

A second barrier occurs when we compare ourselves to others. Comparison causes us to pick apart and analyze, leading us to feel miserable about ourselves and critical of others, leading to a mutual block in compassion and understanding. 

Denial of Responsibility

A further barrier is when we communicate in a way that denies our personal responsibility. It is easy to blame others or circumstances when we become frustrated or angry, but when we point the finger we instill feelings of guilt or wrongness in the other, placing the burden of change on them.

Denial of responsibility can also manifest in subtle ways when we divert responsibility to outside forces, pressures, authorities, or expectations. Each of these are beyond our control and are an easy way to justify a lack of responsibility in our actions. 

However, by taking ownership of our words, feelings, and actions, we invite the possibility of change. Rather than submitting ourselves to forces beyond our control, we can actively choose how to respond to the frustrations or difficulties life throws at us; and in doing so, create more space for compassionate communication, collaboration, and change. 

Making Demands

A final roadblock is when we make demands of others. To make a demand communicates the threat of blame or punishment – basically, a demand communicates, “If you don’t do this there will be consequences.” It communicates that certain behaviors are deserving of reward, whereas others are deserving of punishment. 

The reality is we cannot make people do anything. And if we resort to force, punishment, or authority to get what we want, then we isolate the other and dehumanize them. They act according to our will not out of their own desire, but from a place of fear and an avoidance of punishment. Making demands not only alienates us from the humanity of others, but it also alienates us from ourselves.

Conclusion

Rosenberg labels each of these roadblocks as “life-alientating communication” since they separate us from our natural state of curiosity and compassion. By judging, comparing, denying responsibility, or making demands, we end up hurting ourselves and others. 

Yet there is a path forward, a path that allows for compassion, curiosity, and clarity to be cultivated in our communication and relationships. And this path forward will be the topic of my next post.

About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at kevin@resilientkindness.com

Feeling grief was impossible for me most of my life. I grew up in the middle of a very large family, My mom had absolutely no capacity to hold her own grief nor to recognize or welcome mine. I learned really quickly to be strong, to be independent and not too needy. In order to do this, I had to turn away from vulnerability, including the recognition of my delicate sadness and sense of aloneness in the world. Since my early adult years, I’ve been on a mission to find the depth and meaning of this lack of ability to feel my own sense of loss.

My five-year-old self woke up to the stark reality that I was expected to take charge of my own growing up. It’s taken decades for me to recognize the lasting impact of that time on my nervous system. In addition, it was the impact of future traumas and aloneness that stacked up to create a well of grief and sense of aloneness. I had to wall it off inside of myself in order to function. I had no idea that I would continue to be impacted until I could return someday to heal it.

It’s taken me decades to feel and trust in the safety that I’ve needed, to find the intimacy between grief and aliveness. I have found it through warmth and care and the resonance from others. I am now deeply grateful for the gift of grief.

Welcoming grief has made it possible to breathe more deeply, to touch into joy and play, and find connection with people that matter most, including my very precious self.

Just what is grief?

According to Sarah Peyton, a neuroscience educator, grief is an emotional state of the nervous system that’s activated when we bump up against loss, death or abandonment. We often describe it as sadness or sorrow.

What does it mean to be accompanied in our grief? Sarah has a whole program guiding participants through warm accompaniment. She describes accompaniment as, “Being with another person or ourselves. Being present with our feelings, such as sorrow or any other emotional state we might be in, without trying to fix us. Just being present without trying to reassure us or to distract us from our pain.”

Just to be present in accompaniment often has a quality of warm acceptance and resonance.  Sarah describes resonance as being in living connection with another through relationality that is reflected in our voice tone and in our body language. It’s our ability to have a sense of seeing the other person. Resonance allows us to be understood, to be seen, to be known, and to be accepted.

We begin by naming the types of losses we’ve experienced, such as the death of a loved one. Or, there might be some event or interaction from the past that remains unsettled.  There might be accidents or illness, violence or unknown causes of death.

There may be the death of a beloved pet. I wanted to name that because often there are some of us who found accompaniment only through our pets, through the animals that have been in our lives. So the death of a beloved pet leaves a very distinct mark on our spirits and souls.  Maybe you have some sense of loss around your health, around relationships, friendships, family, perhaps through divorce or breakups or estrangements, maybe the loss of dreams that you’ve had, the loss of innocence, of careers, or jobs, the loss of a sense of place or home. Any of these losses can leave a mark on us, can be something we don’t know how to grieve. There is also the loss of faith, the loss of youth, the loss of hope. So just having your eyes glance through this list and wondering what is here for you to revisit in order to fully heal.

You might think about creating a grief practice that will help you capture the losses that are still lingering within you. But I first wanted to just talk a little bit about the neuroscience of language. Matthew Lieberman is a neuroscientist in social cognition. He researched how the brain can be calmed after it gets triggered or activated with feelings of fight, flight or freeze. He looked at what it takes to calm the brain to bring us out of these survival modes.

Lieberman found that when a person’s experience is named the brain begins to calm down. He tested people in MRI machines and showed slides of facial expressions. When the area of the brain holding emotions was lit up, he tried different methods of calming. The one that was the most effective was simply naming the experience or the feeling. 

At least every four seconds we are scanning our environments and asking ourselves, “Is there any danger in our world? Are we safe? Do I matter?  We’re asking so that the brain can react quickly and keep us safe. If we find ‘no’ to be the answer, if I am not safe, if I feel that I’m not safe, or that I don’t matter, the brain is so quick and smart it sends all the energy into the fight/flight response and we lose the functions of the rest of the brain. We’re just there for fight, flight, freeze to keep us safe, but we lose the capacity to contextualize the environment – noises or smells or things that we see, voice tones – and we lose our executive functioning as we’re in this triggered state until the brain can again calm gradually over time.

So I think to myself, what if my younger self’s experience had been named by a significant adult? If someone had said to my little 5-year-old, “Of course you are in shock, of course you stopped breathing when your siblings didn’t make room for your voice.  Are you overcome by terror and horror and grief?” Each day that your siblings ignored your needs, what if I was encouraged to feel the grief in my own body, to be seen for how painful it is for a little one to not be heard or feel they matter to the ones whom they are deeply attached? What if my experience had been named? I might not have felt the need to move away from myself in order to survive within my family.

It’s not too late. I can now say to my inner 5-year-old self, “Are you feeling hopeless that you will ever be heard among all these siblings?” I can begin to wonder about what this is like to have our experience named in really simple ways. If a friend comes with an upset, we can begin to help with that calming by the naming of their grief or sorrow. We might say, ‘Of course you’re devastated by this loss or it makes so much sense that you could barely breathe.’ Do you need someone to understand what it’s like to live in your body and then your brain?

So making feelings guesses or repeating what someone has said sometimes that sounds kind of awkward but there’s something incredibly validating to know that the other person has heard you deeply. First, think about a loss or death and name the feelings that come up, especially noticing what’s happening in your body sensations as you focus on loss. You can also do this when a friend or family member reveals their feelings of loss.

References and Further Reading
Celeste Kersey, An Exploration of Death and Loss through the Circuit of Panic/Grief, Sarah Peyton’s 2024 Resonance Summit, https://sarahpeyton.com/2024-resonance-summit-epilogue/

About the author: Rev. Catherine Dockery, MA, is a People House minister and a trained facilitator in conscious aging, nonviolent communication and resonant healing of trauma. She has an MA in Public Administration and BA in Communications both from the University of Colorado at Denver. Catherine started The Center for Conscious Aging in 2015 where she conducts workshops, personal coaching and support groups for older adults helping them to understand their developmental changes and transform their lives. She has 10 years of experience in individual and group facilitation and presents on aging topics throughout Colorado. To learn more about Catherine’s services please visit www.centerforconsciousaging.org or email consciousaging1@gmail.com

I’m a huge believer in reflection. I like to examine; where have I been? How has the past shaped where I’m at now? Where might I end up if I stay in my present situation/mindset? I’ve been doing a deep dive into Stephen Gray and I decided to take a page out of his book and contemplate the above with a little cannabis boost. I was struck by the reflections that I was having. In my 30s I wanted to be a better person, so I did what society told me I should do, and threw all my energy into the romantic relationships that I had. It was an effort to mirror those happy people in movies who always smiled at me through the celluloid screen. Guess what? All of those relationships went up in flames, don’t get me wrong, there were some great points, but almost all of it ended in a dumpster fire. It was then I thought that the idea of having a soulmate might have been a crock.

At that point in my life, I decided that I had enough self loathing so I decided to abandon the idea of relationships and just enjoy life as an eternal bachelor. To my great surprise, something unexpected happened. When I became my only priority, I was kinder to myself. That kindness to myself turned to intimacy with myself, that intimacy turned into self love. Self love; the term was no longer a buzzword or a noun, but a verb. Self love became something tangible and in constant movement because I was evolving and growing. That love radiated from the inside out and without trying I did find myself to be a better person, in action, in thought and in regards to others. I wasn’t a perfect person, but there was something noticeably different about me. So of course, this is when the universe sent me a relationship.

Almost seven years later, here I am pondering all of it. Did I meet my partner because I was being better? Would it have lasted if I wasn’t “better?” Am I still growing? What is the role of my relationship in my evolution? And of course; am I evolving for me or my partner?

In a world where the media often portrays personal growth as a concept synonymous with being in a relationship, it IS crucial to ask: who are we really “getting better” for?

While it’s true that relationships can serve as catalysts for self-improvement, the driving force behind this evolution isn’t solely our significant other. It has overlap, yes, but self improvement is something that should be internal. An inherent motivation to move forward. I’m sure you have tried to change a behavior because it would look better at work, or it would impress someone, or society dictates it, but was it something you stuck with? Were you actually happy? Studies have shown that change is longer lasting when we do it for ourselves.

Love has a transformative power in relationships, there’s no denying that. The journey of growth and self-discovery that unfolds within the context of a loving connection to a romantic partner is profound. However, it’s imperative to recognize that these profound feelings don’t belong solely to those in romantic relationships. One often overlooked fact is that love can weave its transformative magic on our most important relationship, the one to ourselves. Romantic (and platonic partners) partners can be looked at as guides, mirrors, and companions on our journey, but the true hero (or anti-hero or villain) of our personal evolution is ourselves.

For those who find themselves in relationships, it’s important to acknowledge the role of their partners in their growth while also recognizing their own agency in the process.

Your partner may inspire you, challenge you, and support you, but ultimately, it is your willingness to grow and evolve that drives the transformation within yourself. Lord knows my partner has the amazing (and sometimes annoying) power to hold up a mirror to me. I’m thankful that I’m in a relationship where I’m not asked to change. A partner who asks you to change can be a blessing or a curse. The blessing is: to have someone who has boundaries and their own self love. The curse: well, it can be easy to mistake a boundary for manipulation. However, that’s not the point of this blog, so we’ll put a pin in that for now. When you have a partner who is a mirror, it allows you to ask yourself “is this something I want to work on?” Then, it becomes your choice and your journey.

On the other hand, for those navigating life’s journey solo, it’s imperative to understand that personal development is not contingent upon being in a relationship.

The notion that one must be in a romantic partnership to experience growth is a limiting and damaging belief. Self-love and self-improvement are journeys that can be embarked upon independently, with or without a significant other. Many times we will have to make a journey of personal growth to find a healthy relationship. Sometimes we’ll have to make this journey of growth to leave an unhealthy relationship. I have no idea if my current relationship would have lasted as long as it has if I didn’t have that period of really falling in love with myself. I can say that my self love created a healthy boundary and protected me from putting up with the things that I didn’t want. This was a skill that took decades to learn.

Loving oneself should always be at the core of personal growth. Whether single or in a relationship, the focus should be on becoming a better person for oneself, not merely to fit someone else’s expectations or desires. True growth stems from authenticity and self-awareness, not from conforming to external standards.

Did I meet my partner because I was being better? Maybe? I certainly wasn’t celibate during my growth, but my growth allowed me to be loved because I already had it for myself. Am I still growing because I’m in a good relationship? Totally, as I said above, a good partner will challenge us, support us, comfort us, but my growth didn’t start with my partner and it will not end with my partner. I’m thankful everyday that I have someone who makes me think, but at the end of the day, I know that my growth is a choice. A choice that is sometimes a pleasure and other times a pain, but nonetheless, it is a choice I have made for myself. The bonus in self improvement is that if you become a better version of yourself, the people around you will also get the benefit. You might even notice unhealthy relationships fall away once you’ve started working on yourself.

So, who are we “getting better” for? Ultimately, the answer lies within ourselves and our intentions. Whether we are in a relationship or single, the driving force behind our personal evolution should always be rooted in self-love, self-respect, and a genuine desire to become the best version of ourselves. Let’s remember that the most fulfilling journey of growth is the one that leads us back to our own hearts.

I will close this blog by saying that whoever is reading this should know; you are not a puzzle with a missing piece. You are not a project for someone else to fix. You are your own person, you have the power to bring about your own creation or your own destruction. Don’t rely on a partner to make you a better person. Think of people (romantic or platonic) as guides and teachers. Learn as much as you can, not because you’re supposed to, but because you want to. Coaching can be a great mirror to help you see where growth can happen. Reach out if you feel that you are ready to do more personal exploration.

About the Author: Rick Garcia (he/him) is the owner of Cannabased Coaching & Wellness. Rick started his career in the healing arts as a licensed massage therapist in 2005. Looking for a shift he transitioned to HIV prevention and has worked in sexual health for 11 years. Realizing the gap in sexual health and sexual fulfillment Rick became a certified sex coach and sexologist so that he could help people explore their ideal sexual self while remaining as safe as possible. His sex coaching services are holistic and combine elements such as talk, somatic exercises, the MEBES model, cannabis and a variety of other modalities. When his wellness center opened he decided to have another arm available for massage therapy. To learn more about Rick’s services please visit www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com or contact him at cannabasedcoachingandwellness@gmail.com.

When I thought about this subject, I thought about a person I met a couple of years ago.  This person hadn’t done much in terms of sexual exploration and they felt that they were left behind.  They didn’t dabble in online apps, they didn’t use onlyfans, they didn’t visit sex clubs.  When I first met this person, they said “I’m not cool, I’m not doing these things and I feel like I’ve missed the boat.”  What struck me, was the fact that this person didn’t say they wanted to do these things.  When I asked more questions, they said “I don’t really want to do these things, but if I don’t then I feel like I’m left out.” 

This reflection brought up a question that shares an almost mirrored reflection with technology: just because I can, should I?

Now, don’t get me wrong.  This blog is going online, it will be posted to my social media accounts, so the irony of this post is not wasted on me.  On the sexual side, I often advocate for people to understand their desires and explore in a safe way if that feels good to them.  There is always a choice.  Once again, just because we can, should we?  It’s crucial to recognize the power of choice and the work we put into our relationships.  The impact these two ideas can have on our overall well-being and evolution as humans can shape not only who we are but also how we see (and are seen by) the world. 

To truly understand the dynamics at play, it’s essential to distinguish between evolving and advancing in the context of sexual health. Evolution implies a natural progression, a development that aligns with personal growth and experiences. Advancement, on the other hand, often involves the incorporation of external elements.

In the realm of sexual health, evolving might involve deepening emotional connections, exploring one’s desires, and embracing a holistic approach to well-being. Advancing, on the contrary, could be adopting the idea that there are quick fixes and one technique fits all. 

Evolving sexually often involves prioritizing emotional connections, fostering intimacy, and deepening understanding with partners.

An evolved sexual experience is rooted in authenticity, allowing individuals to explore their desires in a genuine and mindful manner.  While this evolution sounds simple, the reality is that evolution takes time, and the process does require patience. It involves a gradual unfolding of one’s sexual self. Embracing evolution does call on individuals to be vulnerable, exposing themselves to the uncertainties that come with personal growth.

 Advancing can open up new realms of sexual exploration and enhancement while providing diverse experiences and catering to unique preferences.  You might see these advancements advertised as masterclasses for love making or a pill that will turn you into a lover with unending stamina.  While things like this can bring innovation to the bedroom, it is important to understand that sticking to a script or a “one size fits all” mentality can hinder genuine connections with partners.  I can name 20 things that are considered erotic, but people are unique and what one person finds pleasurable can be downright upsetting for someone else.  So that expensive masterclass no longer applies. 

Treating your partner as an individual sounds easy, but it can be hard to have conversations about pleasure and what we like.  That’s the great thing about coaching.  It invites a safe place to explore your own sexual self while learning tools to help you communicate with partners.

The number of sexual partners or sexual acts that we’ve done doesn’t necessarily determine one’s level of evolution. Instead, it’s the quality of connections and the depth of experiences that contribute to personal growth. Someone who cultivates connected sex, characterized by meaningful interactions and shared intimacy, may find themselves on a path of profound evolution.  To be clear, this doesn’t mean that you have to have only one partner to know the true connection.  I’ve had clients who are in monogamous relationships who have zero connection to their partners, I’ve also had clients who love sex and connection and will have 1-2 partners each week that are meaningful and connected. 

To sum it all up, you have a choice.  If all 32 flavors speak to you that’s great, but you don’t have to try each flavor.  How wild or reserved you are says nothing about who you actually are.  The connections you foster, the way you show up, that is what says who you are.  The intersection of evolving and advancing in sexual health requires a delicate balance. It’s crucial to approach your sexual expression with mindfulness, prioritizing genuine connections and personal growth. As a sex coach, my mission is to guide individuals on a journey that aligns with their authentic selves, a sexual evolution (and sometimes revolution) that transcends the boundaries of expectations and enhances the richness of human connection.

The dynamics that are created when a couple is not able to accept difference can be complex, but one significant way that I have viewed in my clients is what I call the “loss of good intent” within the relationship. When there is mutual respect and understanding between partners, there usually is an ability to not view behaviors stemming from differences as a malicious attempt.

For example, one partner may have less of an ability to remember tasks once tired or stressed. If this partner was supposed to pick up their spouse’s dry cleaning after work but forgets, there can be a few different ways the spouse can respond.

A negative interaction could look like:

Spouse: “I told you to pick up my dry cleaning today – how could you forget?”

Partner: “I’m so sorry – I had a stressful day at work and it slipped my mind”.

Spouse: “You always forget when I ask you to do a task for me. You don’t care about me”.

A more positive interaction may look like:

Spouse: “I’m feeling disappointed and frustrated that my dry cleaning was forgotten today”.

Partner: “I am sorry for disappointing you. It was a stressful day at work and it slipped my mind. How can I support you now?”

Spouse: “Can you create a text reminder in your phone for after-work errands to help you remember?”

Partner: “That’s a great idea. I will do that – thank you for understanding”.

Can you spot the difference between the interactions? In the first scenario, the frustrated spouse takes their anger out on their partner, utilizing criticism and blame to share their feelings. The spouse also expresses their hurt feelings through a generalized character attack on their partner (using language like “you always forget” or “you don’t care”). This can lead to feelings of shame and hopelessness in our partners and creates a narrative that there is an inherent flaw with the partner. However, in the latter scenario – we can view a different emphasis and expression of emotion. The spouse still names their feelings to their partner, however, they do so by taking ownership of their experience and not just relying on blame. The spouse also provides a strategy and an “ask” of their partner, coordinating with their partner to solve the issue vs making the narrative that the partner is deficient. The communication in the second scenario takes practice and can feel awkward and difficult to master at first. However, utilizing a more positive framework in which you work together through adversity can directly lead to overall improved relationship satisfaction.

Furthermore, there are ways to establish more appreciation and respect in your relationship to balance the feelings of disappointment or frustration in differences. According to the Gottman’s, one of the best ways to accomplish this is by building a culture of fondness for each other – strengthening the inner core of the relationship (Lisitsa, 2023). Some strategies for increasing admiration and fondness can look like:

• Sharing positive memories of the past (ex. looking through pictures of your wedding, fun date nights, family get-togethers, or romantic vacations)
• Daily gestures of gratitude or love – these can be small or big (ex. nightly practice of sharing one thing you are thankful for in your partner, doing an act of service for your partner, giving an unprompted compliment, or kissing or holding hands for an extended period)
• Reframe issues as external problems (ex. Shifting your perspective of a relationship issue as something to come together with your partner to solve)

Through doing this work, you may find that a difference/s has become a deal-breaking matter. In that case, I would advise seeking couples counseling as a way to approach the issue with a third party involved. Therapy can provide space for both partners to be heard and for the issue to be processed in a constructive, structured manner. Counseling may lead to you figuring out what truly are deal-breaking behaviors or not, which ultimately can provide you the clarity to forge the best journey for you and your partner, whatever that trajectory may look like.

References:

Lisitsa, E. (2023, September 21). The Four horsemen: Contempt. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

About the Author: TJ Dubovich is a marriage and family therapist at The Cannon Institute. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA + community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships. If you are interested in working with TJ – email or call The Cannon Institute at admin@thecannoninstitute.com / (720) 318-2450 for a free, 20-minute consultation. 

In a study by John Gottman, he evaluated newlyweds and then followed up with them 6 years later. For the couples who were still married, they “turned towards” in conflict 86% of the time. Those couples who were divorced only reported turning towards each other 33% of the time (Brittle, 2022). Now you might be wondering – what does it mean to turn towards our partner in conflict? Isn’t the whole point of a fight to argue and win? It may feel good to “win” a fight with your partner but as Terry Real, renowned relationship therapist, has wisely said, “We can be right or we can be in relationship”.

Turning towards your partner in conflict can reference a variety of factors. At the base level, it means quite literally physically turning towards your partner when in conflict. Many of us tend to shut down our body language when we are upset such as folding our arms, moving away or turning our bodies from our partner, and not making eye contact when our partner is speaking to us. These actions can lead our partner to feel unheard or disrespected and create a dynamic of disconnection. If instead, you notice your body and position yourself with an open stance facing your partner, this can be the first step in turning towards.

The next part of turning towards is understanding bids. “A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection” (Brittle, 2022). Bids can be presented in multiple different ways, and the response to these bids is a major player in turning towards your partner. For example, an “in conflict” bid could be holding hands while discussing something difficult or hugging each other after wrapping up a tough conversation. Responding to these types of actions can create a sense of emotional safety and de-escalation, even when each of you may be experiencing anger or other negative emotions. Less obvious bids for connection are just as, if not even more, important. John Gottman created a list of emotional bids that may be “missed” from our partner, which can be important to watch out for. When we miss emotional bids from our partner, that rejection can create long-lasting negative effects on the relationship (Brittle, 2022). Examples of subtle bids can look like:

• Responding to simple requests (Can you take the dog out? or Will you help me with this?)
• Sharing about your day (Can I tell you about what happened at work today? or I thought about you when ___ happened today)
• Responding to an invite (Would you want to go on a hike this weekend? or I’d love for you to join me for ____)
• Helping problem solve (The dog needs a bath but I don’t have time today or Who can pick up the dry cleaning this week?)

Turning towards is also remembering to mitigate the 4 Horsemen – criticism, contempt, stone-walling, and defensiveness when in conflict. (For more information on the 4 Horseman, view my blog: The dance of the 4 Horsemen and how to get back on track)

With all these suggestions, I want to validate that turning towards your partner when you are emotionally escalated and upset IS hard. This is challenging work and it takes intention and patience to break through our current patterns of interaction and show up in a different way. Be gentle with yourself and your partner if you don’t always get it right. It will take time to create improved experiences. The last thought I want to impart is that whatever the issue of the conflict may be, a useful reframe can be to externalize the issue. Take the problem and view it as something that you both need to address together, not as an individual issue. When you can approach an issue by partnering together to tackle it, you will naturally begin to turn toward your partner to get through conflict.

References:

Brittle, Z. (2022, May 9). Turn towards instead of away. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

About the Author: TJ Dubovich is a marriage and family therapist at The Cannon Institute. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA + community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships. If you are interested in working with TJ – email or call The Cannon Institute at admin@thecannoninstitute.com / (720) 318-2450 for a free, 20-minute consultation.