A Pew Research poll from 2021 found that nearly 70% of adults rated their dating lives as “not going well,” and a little over half said dating has gotten harder in the last 10 years.

Be it dating apps, post-COVID society, consumer capitalism, political polarity, or the looming deterioration of our social safety net, something is making love very hard. And setting aside the potential for recency bias, it’s only getting harder.

Love still flourishes in the modern day; I hope you won’t mistake my critique for cynicism. But something’s changed. In nearly every way, our world has been turned over and inside out in the last few decades. Everything exists in context. Love is no exception. Love is just like us: struggling to find its footing in this new world. And ours is a world rife with too much. A constant overload to the system.

Too much, too many.

Too many appointments to keep. Too many bills to pay with too little money. Too many screens and ads vying for every millisecond of our attention. And in turn, too few mental and emotional resources to dedicate to any of it. Painful, overwhelming landscape we have. In this landscape, for the sake of ease, everything gets steamrolled into a product we can consume. A product that can make life a little easier.

Because what is a product marketed to do? Provides a solution to a problem (at least that’s what they try to convince us of!). And to solve a multitude of modern problems, love comes as a neatly packaged solution, heralding connection and meaning and promising the banishment of isolation. Watch any rom-com. You get it!

Love becomes a product we must shop for with the savvy eye of a practiced saver (in this economy!?). A product to hold up against our pros-and-cons list. A product to run through the sieve of our cost-benefit analysis.

Forgive the analogy, but why do we analyze the products we consume? Humming beneath this desire, there looms a question: Will this best meet my needs? And shifting to our connections with other people, one more question beneath that: Will this person meet my needs, and can I meet theirs? And beneath that one, perhaps another two, buried a little further down: Can I do everything in my power to be certain? And can that certainty protect me from pain?

Anyone presented with that question would indignantly respond, “Of course that’s impossible!” The reason being, this is not a conscious drive. Pain avoidance and pleasure seeking are the knee-jerk reactions of a nervous system evolutionarily designed to help us survive. Thankfully, now we have plenty of neurobiology research to validate what Freud (that asshole!) once postulated as the pleasure-pain principle.

So avoid pain, we do. Seek certainty, we will. And to do it, we will mold ourselves and our partners into need-meeting products for each other’s consumption. We attempt to make ourselves and each other understandable and knowable to protect ourselves against the ultimate knowledge that love is beyond our control.

So instead of accepting, we consume each other. We disappear into each other, expecting the other to meet us where we are, to know us fully, and to be known by us.

In Love’s Executioner, Irvin Yalom describes this phenomenon with the language of existential isolation. “Many a marriage,” he writes, “has failed because, instead of relating to, and caring for one another, one person uses another as a shield against isolation.”

But, something so enigmatic as love cannot be pounded into the shape of a shield. So love resists. We push back on the other’s demands; we rebel when the other doesn’t love us the way we want them to. We lob Why can’t you just understand? at one another like hand grenades in the war against our fears. Our relationships become ensnared by this entanglement of our own making. Then nearly seventy percent of us throw our hands up and say, “It’s not going well!”

In Greek mythology, the story of the god Eros (or Cupid) and the princess Psyche (whose name means soul) tells the story of the unknowability of love. Eros and Psyche are arranged to be married; then they fall in love. With one caveat: Eros only visits Psyche in the dark. Theirs is a love that requires mystery, separateness. But the deeper Psyche’s feelings grow, the more she relies on him, the more anxious she becomes to see the face of her lover. One night, while Eros is sleeping, Psyche lights a lamp and holds it up to finally see his face. But nearly instantly, he disappears.

Forcing love into a box of certainty (Psyche’s need to understand, to close the unknown distance between them) made love vanish.

Jean-Luc Marion, a modern French philosopher, writes about this phenomenon. He says, “To love is to accept that one might be loved without being able to return it, and above all without being able to understand it.”

In couples therapy, the concept of “differentiation” is a steady undercurrent of the work. I said up top that much of the work of therapy is acceptance of what we cannot control. Differentiation in this context refers to each individual’s ability to maintain a strong sense of self—thoughts, ideas, identity—outside of the other person while still maintaining their relationship. A couples study conducted in 2021 found that a high sense of differentiated self in both partners was the strongest predictor of overall relationship health. Our ability to allow one another the room to meet our needs (or not), to give to us (or not), to be a whole, complex, imperfect person, not an object, can predict our ability to sustain love.

Try as we might (and we try!), we cannot force the distance between us closed by flattening love into a knowable product or by molding our partners and ourselves into something that will meet needs or solve problems.

In the story of Eros and Psyche, after Eros’ disappearance, Psyche sets out on an epic, painful solo quest of transformation (even descending into the underworld!) to eventually reunite with her lover as her own person. A person who has grappled with the end of certainty and wrestled the ultimate unknown of death and come out on the other side.

It is the shattering of a fantasy that makes way for the real work of love. Because good love is what happens after the bubble pops, after the illusion of certainty completely fades. It is the humble work of self-exploration, of accepting the labor of transformation, and of differentiating.

Because the anxious need to flatten love into a known entity is not the end. It’s the beginning. It’s the door finally opening to a path where love becomes not a solution or a shield against the dark, but instead a liberated acceptance of the wild, untamable unknown.

About the Author: Taylor Arroganté-Reyes is a Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate and the owner of Congruence Psychotherapy. In individual work, she specializes in existential therapy and parts work. With couples and partner systems, she specializes in consensual non monogamy and non-normative relationship structures. Her work seeks to invite an open-handedness to the ever-unfolding mystery of life. Her practice is grounded in the belief that genuine relational contact between us and within us can heal, change, and liberate— allowing us to become who we hope to be. If you are interested in working with Taylor, please visit https://congruencepsychotherapy.com/ or email her at taylor@congruencepsychotherapy.com. 

In the last post, we looked at the importance of identifying and expressing our core needs (previous blog link here). In this final blog, we’ll explore the last component of NVC: learning how to make compassionate requests and speak our needs clearly. 

Review of the Four Components

To review, NVC includes four essential components:

1. Observation – Describing what is happening without judgment.
2. Feelings – Naming how we feel in response to what we observe.
3. Needs – Identifying the unmet needs underlying those feelings.
4. Request – Asking for an action that might meet those needs.

Now we’ll explore how to put all these steps into action by making clear, respectful, and actionable requests.

What Is a Compassionate Request?

A compassionate request is not about controlling someone else’s behavior. It’s an open invitation, an expression of your needs paired with a concrete, doable action that someone might take to help meet that need. Unlike a demand, a request creates space for choice.

Requests in NVC are:

• Specific – They focus on a clear, observable action.
• Present or near-term – They ask for something realistic and timely.
• Open to “no” – They respect the other person’s autonomy.

For example, instead of saying, “I want you to respect me,” you might say, “Would you be willing to let me finish speaking before responding?” This version offers clarity and invites cooperation rather than resistance.

Why Requests Can Be Difficult

Many of us struggle to ask for what we need. We fear rejection or we may feel guilty for making a request in the first place. Some of us have learned to put others’ needs first, while also ignoring or suppressing our own desires. As a result, we may rely on indirect or passive methods, hoping others will guess what we need or expecting them to notice without being told.

The problem is that unmet needs rarely resolve themselves in silence and rely heavily on the assumption that others can pick what we’re needing without us asking them. And when we don’t make direct requests, we risk building resentment, misunderstanding, or miscommunication. But when we clearly express what we need, we give others the opportunity to show up with care. 

The irony here is that although it is scary to make a request, our needs are more likely to be  met when we do so.

Requests vs. Demands

One of the core shifts in NVC is learning to recognize the difference between a request and a demand. A demand implies that there will be negative consequences if the other person says no. This often triggers defensiveness or fear.

In contrast, a true request comes with the understanding that the other person has a choice. It holds space for a “no,” and trusts that if our request is met, it will be met willingly and with the other’s consent and cooperation.

If you feel angry or resentful when someone says “no,” it may indicate that your request was actually a demand. In those moments, it can help to reconnect with your core need and consider other ways it might be met.

How to Make Compassionate Requests

When you’re ready to make a request, try this simple structure:

“When I see/hear __________,
I feel __________,
because I need __________.
Would you be willing to __________?”

Here are a few examples:

• “When meetings run late, I feel overwhelmed because I need more structure. Would you be willing to help us start on time?”
• “When I opened up and you changed the subject, I felt dismissed because I needed to feel heard. Would you be willing to ask more questions when I share?”
• “I’ve been feeling stretched thin lately. I need more support. Would you be open to helping with dinner this week?”

Requests like these are respectful, actionable, and grounded in your needs. They give the other person a clear pathway to respond with care, rather than relying on ambiguity or assumption. 

Final Thoughts

Making requests may feel awkward or vulnerable at first, especially if you’re not used to asking for what you need. But with time and practice, this kind of communication becomes more natural and easier to incorporate into daily life. 

To recap, compassionate communication involves:

• Observing without judgment.
• Feeling your emotions without blame.
• Identifying the needs beneath those emotions.
• Requesting specific actions with clarity and kindness.

Each of these steps invites deeper self-awareness and richer connection. They allow us to express what matters to us, while also honoring the needs of others. This is the heart of compassionate communication.

Thank you for walking through this series with me. I hope it’s offered insight, encouragement, and practical tools for strengthening your relationships through the application of the four principles of compassionate communication. 

If you enjoyed this series and want to learn more about Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I highly recommend Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. The book dives into all the principles listed here, but in greater detail, depth, and clarity. 

About the author: Kevin Culver, LPCC, is a professional counselor, published author, and owner of Resilient Kindness Counseling. Kevin has a MA in Mental Health Counseling and a BA in Theological Studies. With a background in spirituality, philosophy, and psychological research, Kevin provides a holistic approach to therapy that seeks to honor each client’s unique personality, worldview, and life aspirations. In his therapeutic work, he helps clients rediscover their humanity and create greater meaning in their lives, work, and relationships. He enjoys working with individuals from all backgrounds, but specializes in working with men’s issues, spirituality, and relationship issues. If you are interested in working with Kevin or learning more about his practice, please visit resilientkindness.com or email him at kevin@resilientkindness.com

The dynamics that are created when a couple is not able to accept difference can be complex, but one significant way that I have viewed in my clients is what I call the “loss of good intent” within the relationship. When there is mutual respect and understanding between partners, there usually is an ability to not view behaviors stemming from differences as a malicious attempt.

For example, one partner may have less of an ability to remember tasks once tired or stressed. If this partner was supposed to pick up their spouse’s dry cleaning after work but forgets, there can be a few different ways the spouse can respond.

A negative interaction could look like:

Spouse: “I told you to pick up my dry cleaning today – how could you forget?”

Partner: “I’m so sorry – I had a stressful day at work and it slipped my mind”.

Spouse: “You always forget when I ask you to do a task for me. You don’t care about me”.

A more positive interaction may look like:

Spouse: “I’m feeling disappointed and frustrated that my dry cleaning was forgotten today”.

Partner: “I am sorry for disappointing you. It was a stressful day at work and it slipped my mind. How can I support you now?”

Spouse: “Can you create a text reminder in your phone for after-work errands to help you remember?”

Partner: “That’s a great idea. I will do that – thank you for understanding”.

Can you spot the difference between the interactions? In the first scenario, the frustrated spouse takes their anger out on their partner, utilizing criticism and blame to share their feelings. The spouse also expresses their hurt feelings through a generalized character attack on their partner (using language like “you always forget” or “you don’t care”). This can lead to feelings of shame and hopelessness in our partners and creates a narrative that there is an inherent flaw with the partner. However, in the latter scenario – we can view a different emphasis and expression of emotion. The spouse still names their feelings to their partner, however, they do so by taking ownership of their experience and not just relying on blame. The spouse also provides a strategy and an “ask” of their partner, coordinating with their partner to solve the issue vs making the narrative that the partner is deficient. The communication in the second scenario takes practice and can feel awkward and difficult to master at first. However, utilizing a more positive framework in which you work together through adversity can directly lead to overall improved relationship satisfaction.

Furthermore, there are ways to establish more appreciation and respect in your relationship to balance the feelings of disappointment or frustration in differences. According to the Gottman’s, one of the best ways to accomplish this is by building a culture of fondness for each other – strengthening the inner core of the relationship (Lisitsa, 2023). Some strategies for increasing admiration and fondness can look like:

• Sharing positive memories of the past (ex. looking through pictures of your wedding, fun date nights, family get-togethers, or romantic vacations)
• Daily gestures of gratitude or love – these can be small or big (ex. nightly practice of sharing one thing you are thankful for in your partner, doing an act of service for your partner, giving an unprompted compliment, or kissing or holding hands for an extended period)
• Reframe issues as external problems (ex. Shifting your perspective of a relationship issue as something to come together with your partner to solve)

Through doing this work, you may find that a difference/s has become a deal-breaking matter. In that case, I would advise seeking couples counseling as a way to approach the issue with a third party involved. Therapy can provide space for both partners to be heard and for the issue to be processed in a constructive, structured manner. Counseling may lead to you figuring out what truly are deal-breaking behaviors or not, which ultimately can provide you the clarity to forge the best journey for you and your partner, whatever that trajectory may look like.

References:

Lisitsa, E. (2023, September 21). The Four horsemen: Contempt. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

About the Author: TJ Dubovich is a marriage and family therapist at The Cannon Institute. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA + community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships. If you are interested in working with TJ – email or call The Cannon Institute at admin@thecannoninstitute.com / (720) 318-2450 for a free, 20-minute consultation. 

So, I am pulling back for this post and giving my own experience of death and grieving, as a White, Protestant Christian, midwestern, middle socioeconomic American woman in her 50s. I know many Americans have different experiences which I would love to hear. But, this is the culture I know.

Throughout most of my life, I was fearful of death, which I assume is not a groundbreaking response. Because I was the youngest of my family, by far, my parents were older than many of my peers’ parents. My paternal grandfather died before I was born; my maternal grandfather died when I was 7; and both of my grandmothers died when I was a teen. We also lived several states away from my parents’ hometown so I did not know any of my grandparents well.

My maternal grandpa was vivacious, funny and a jokester – his funny laugh was actually recorded and played on a local tv show periodically to get others to laugh; he would take pictures of old women at family gatherings as they were just about to take a bite to eat; often, he pushed out his dentures at me when I was a little girl and chased after me with his teeth to make me laugh.

Apparently, he was a passionate man who also had some extreme anger issues – which I discovered later was most likely due to significant childhood trauma. All I was told was that he smoked too much and so when he was hospitalized for lung and heart issues at 75, I was told it was due to his life choices. He died quickly (in my young opinion) and I remember being at his open-casket funeral, walking back and forth in front of his casket looking at his body, thinking that he was going to jump up and let everyone know it had all been one big joke. He would just jump up and laugh his jolly laugh.

I really thought that. I remember thinking that I bothered someone by mentioning that, so they sent me back to the house for the rest of the funeral. I actually spent that time sitting in his room and looking at the furniture – there was a burn spot on a small settee that I thought looked exactly like a rabbit when you looked at it from a certain direction. That mattered to me later in life in my own journey with grief.

My grandmothers were both kind and caring women – but I had spent such little time with them that I didn’t experience much grief when they passed away in their late 80s. Both of them had been in nursing care facilities before they passed. I was saddened by their loss but I honestly was not deeply affected by grief.

I did not like visiting the nursing care facilities – there seemed to be a deep sense of loss surrounding everyone – like a longing for everything that had existed at a time and place that had passed years before. Those places haunted me because I could not sense time, meaning, connection, or purpose there. It was like everyone and everything was expected to pass on. So, when my grandmothers died, it felt expected, and somewhat cold. I don’t even recall my mother or father crying at their funerals.

Honestly, I felt for others when they suffered deep losses and thought I understood the depth of grief in those years before my son, Benny, died. Shortly before Benny died when my husband was an active-duty Marine, I befriended another mom whose husband was a Marine. She and her husband had a young son about the same age as the youngest of our three sons at the time. Over the first few months of our friendship, they told us about the tragic death of their older son. He was three when he was shot by an 11 year old playing with a pellet gun. He died in his mom’s arms.

Their loss seared my heart at the time and I tried to grieve with them on the special days, birthdays, holidays, the anniversary of his death, etc. I thought I knew death and grief. I thought I knew.

Then, two years later, my heart and life tore to pieces when we experienced the sudden traumatic loss of Benny.. Gratefully, that friend was there to help guide us through those devastatingly horrifying first moments, days and months. The culture of the Marine Corps at the time also supported us tremendously. I have always been and will always be so indebted to those people and that unique culture for that time. They surrounded our family and provided us with support to truly grieve. I don’t know if we could have survived without them. When we separated from them due to my husband leaving active-duty, I grieved the loss of that support again.

Now, over 20 years later, I understand grief. I am, however unwillingly, well-acquainted with death. And I am learning to understand how to support the various paths we as humans take to make sense of death, not only the deaths of those we love but also our own.

My studies of people and cultures have taught me that: (1) We can’t put death away – it is real. It has a 100% rate of occurrence across all peoples and all time. (2) We must face it and know it. I do not fear it anymore. I have confronted it in the eyes of my own dear son. I do not fear it. (3) Death is a part of life, but it causes immense pain, resulting in grief, not only in the dying but also in those who care for those who die. This pain can feel insurmountable. (4) Grief is part of life. It does not “finish”. It will grow and change along with those experiencing it. (5) If grief is ignored, it will keep trying to get the attention of those who experienced loss because it is a normal part of human experience. (6) We need human connections and communication for healthy processing of grief – and throughout human existence this has been facilitated by mourning and grief rituals. (7) When humans, through lack of awareness or through purposeful ignorance, avoid death and/or pretend it does not exist or will not affect them, they not only are fighting their humanity but they are also eluding the unfathomable richness of being alive, of experiencing consciousness for this small portion of time.

Throughout my studies of death rituals, I have felt increasingly connected to a larger family throughout time and across cultural divides to understand and cope with, as best as we know how, the pain of grief from the loss of our loved ones. We all have that in common. May we all remember that in these painfully divided times.

About the Author: As a mother of six sons, Lisa’s greatest joy in life is her family. Tragically, however, in 2002, she and her husband, Aaron, lost their fourth son Benjamin in an unexpected accident. From then on, Lisa experienced a long, painful struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder and deep grief. She was introduced to yoga as a daily practice to help her rest and reset her mind. After over 18 years of her personal growth as a student and a teacher of yoga, she continues to explore the relationship between spirituality, somatics and mental health. She is currently pursuing a master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling at Messiah University and is privileged to work with People House as an Affordable Counseling Intern. Upon licensure, she intends to combine her in-depth knowledge of spiritual practices, yoga, and meditation with clinical counseling techniques to offer holistic therapy to clients, focusing on grief, trauma and bereavement issues for parents.

Here is my take: A boundary is a relational strategy to honor our emotional experience in response to someone else’s behavior. This definition is vague for a reason – boundaries are nuanced and can vary in structure, urgency, and style depending on the situation. They can also vary among your connections, depending on the relationship. For example, someone may feel the need to place a boundary for themselves on the type of tv their partner watches. If one partner loves watching MMA, and the other partner finds MMA to be stressful due to the violence, a boundary may look like: “I am going to hang out in a different place in the home when MMA is being shown on tv”. In contrast, if there is contempt coming from your partner in a conflict, a boundary may look like: “I need to leave the space right now and will not return until you’ve cooled down and stopped name-calling me”. Both are boundaries but are quite different in nature. They differ in the gravity and immediacy of the situation and may be implemented in varying ways depending on the relationship of the person you are setting them with.

As a relationship therapist, I focus on boundaries from the perspective of how they exist within a romantic partnership. The most important thing to understand in boundary work is that it is NOT an attempt to control or change your partners’ behavior. It is an action that you make in response to your partner’s decisions or behaviors.

In an article by VeryWell Health – they provide some sample scripts to help in expressing a variety of different types of boundaries (Brooten-Brooks, 2022)

Use “I” statements:

• I feel _____ when _____ is said to me.
• When this happens ______, I feel_____.

When you feel disrespected:

• I don’t like the way I’m being spoken to right now.
• I would like to talk about this, but now is not the right time.
• I would prefer to discuss this when we can be calmer about it.

Buy yourself some time:

• I’m not sure right now. Can I come to you once I’ve thought about it?
• I need more time to think, but I will get back to you.

When you want to say “no” with a little more explanation:

• I would love to, but my plate is really full right now.
• I would if I could, but I’m unable to help with that right now.
• I really appreciate the invitation, but I’m not interested in participating.

Seeking consent with sexual boundaries:

• Are you okay with this?
• Do you want to continue?
• Are you comfortable if I ____?

While boundaries serve as a way to protect your needs, they also can be used ineffectively or even can cause harm. In an article by Lissa Carter (2023), she states “If the boundary is in service to avoidance, escape, defensiveness, or power consolidation, revisit your boundary strategy. If the boundary is in service to sovereignty, relational integrity, or self-compassion, take care of yourself and keep going”. When placing a boundary with your partner, consider who/what it is actually serving, and if this is a reason to not compromise or a real lack of capacity or ability to engage.

Lastly, boundaries are hard. They are complicated and there is no one “right” way to implement or construct boundaries. Give yourself grace when exploring boundaries in your relationship and speak to your needs and wants while trying to maintain respect for your partner’s experience. Boundaries help relationships thrive when we engage in them from a thoughtful and compassionate place.

References:
Brooten-Brooks, M. (2022, January 24). How to set healthy boundaries. Verywell Health. https://www.verywellhealth.com/setting-boundaries-5208802

Carter, L. (2023). There is no easy way to set a boundary. Inner Light Counseling Collective. https://www.innerlightasheville.com/news/2023/3/18/how-to-set-and-maintain-a-boundary

About the Author: Tristan (TJ) Dubovich is a marriage and family therapy intern at People House. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships.

In a world filled with expectations and pressures, our sexual experiences often become centered around achieving the big “O”. However, by fixating solely on the orgasm, we overlook the ecstasy and depth of pleasure that can be found in moments of erotic abandonment. In this blog post, I want to explore the concept of erotic abandonment, challenge expectations, and explore what would happen if we shifted our sexual “performance” into a sexual experience.

Erotic abandonment refers to the act of surrendering to pleasure and fully immersing oneself in the sensual experience without preoccupying thoughts of performance or outcome.

Performance and outcome, those words will derail an erotic experience, fast. Think about it, when you’re performing, you’re doing exactly that, performing. Rather than getting lost in the experience, you’re acting rather than reacting. Focusing on the outcome does the same thing. If you know how to create the outcome then it’s easy to fall into a routine, so you’re not experiencing the abandonment, you’re just traveling the same road, over and over again. Erotic abandonment involves embracing vulnerability, exploring desires/fantasies, and allowing oneself to be present in the moment. By letting go of rigid expectations, we open ourselves to a world of pleasure that extends far beyond the climax.

Society and media often place too much importance on the orgasm, and that can cause us to think that the orgasm is the ultimate goal of sexual encounters. This narrow focus can create anxiety, pressure, and even feelings of inadequacy. By shifting our perspective and prioritizing pleasure over the orgasm itself, we can cultivate a more expansive and fulfilling sexual experience. Pleasure encompasses a broad spectrum of sensations, touch, connection, intimacy, and emotional vulnerability, which should be cherished and explored.

The importance of novelty, curiosity, and exploration within intimate relationships is the antidote. Erotic abandonment is found in the perfect balance of safety and adventure. Finding this balance will allow you to be free to explore. When you reach this point, you can move beyond routine and predictability and then you’ll be able to foster a deeper connection with your partners and yourself.

The use of cannabis in the context of intimacy has gained attention in recent years. When used responsibly with consent, intention and education, cannabis can potentially enhance sensuality and intimacy.

Its relaxation-inducing properties can help alleviate stress and anxiety, allowing individuals to fully embrace the present moment and heighten sensory experiences. However, it is crucial to note that the effects of cannabis can vary greatly between individuals and here is where cannabis coaching can help. In past posts I’ve talked about the endocannabinoid system, this system is different for everyone, so what the budtender tells you works for them may not work for you. Cannabis coaching can help you understand your own ECS and inform you on chemovars that work for you. This might be THC dominant, it might be CBD or CBG based. There is no hard and fast rule, just what works for you.

Buddhism teaches us to cultivate mindfulness, to be fully present and aware in each moment. This practice can be applied to our sexual encounters, enabling us to immerse ourselves in the pleasure and connection they offer.

By letting go of expectations, judgments, and attachment to outcomes, we can create a space for authentic exploration, vulnerability, and acceptance. Buddhism also emphasizes the importance of non-attachment, reminding us that pleasure is transient and impermanent, further encouraging us to savor and appreciate each experience as it unfolds.

Embracing erotic abandonment requires a shift in perspective—a conscious decision to move away from orgasm-centric expectations and toward a more holistic appreciation of pleasure. There is no one tool that will make everything better, change requires change. The above sounds easy, but it’s a process. Sometimes it’s easy, other times it’s hard. If you are looking to transcend your erotic experience then you should reach out and start the process with a coach who has your back. If you’re not ready for that, then that’s okay. Just remember that pleasure is a multifaceted and ever-evolving tapestry, awaiting our exploration and celebration, it doesn’t matter how it looks, just how it feels.

About the Author: Rick Garcia (he/him) is the owner of Cannabased Coaching & Wellness. Rick started his career in the healing arts as a licensed massage therapist in 2005. Looking for a shift he transitioned to HIV prevention and has worked in sexual health for 11 years. Realizing the gap in sexual health and sexual fulfillment Rick became a certified sex coach and sexologist so that he could help people explore their ideal sexual self while remaining as safe as possible. His sex coaching services are holistic and combine elements such as talk, somatic exercises, the MEBES model, cannabis and a variety of other modalities. When his wellness center opened he decided to have another arm available for massage therapy. To learn more about Rick’s services please visit www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com or contact him at cannabasedcoachingandwellness@gmail.com.

However, these conversations are necessary. The manner in how, when, and where these talks occur can be up to the couple to decide. The important factor is that communication is happening between partners and that there is a space provided in the relationship for topics that may be upsetting or uncomfortable to be brought to the surface. In my work with couples, I help partners figure out when it makes sense to have these conversations and for how long the conversations should generally last so that folks can have a shared expectation of the check-in. This can look like “We do a 10min check-in every Sunday”, “We have a 2-hour check-in every other week”, or “We spend the first 30min of our date night doing our check-in”. The structure is far less important in comparison to the content.

Prioritizing important conversations in a relationship is not a revolutionary idea of my own design. One common structure of this has been developed by Dr. Gottman, a premier couples therapist who has completed decades worth of research on positive attributes to successful relationships. His version, The State of the Union, “ensures that both partners are heard and understood before problem-solving together” (Benson, 2021). I find the title of “State of the Union” to be a bit daunting thus I refer to them as relationship check-ins. I have provided the structure of what could be beneficial in a relationship check-in below. This recommendation does not need to be set in stone – there are many iterations of how these conversations can look. You may find that some of the checklist items don’t need to be addressed at each check-in. Ultimately, it’s deciding together to take the time and chat, in a way that is meaningful to your expectations, roles, and needs of your unique partnership.

Check-in Checklist

1. Appreciation / Acknowledgement – it can be helpful to start these conversations with a positive. Each share something that you appreciate about your partner. Acknowledge a way your partner showed up for you or the household that made you feel happy or cared for. Also, if you feel you need it, ask to be appreciated for something. If there is an area of the relationship you may not feel seen, take this time to ask your partner to see you in it.
2. Support – Similar to #1, each reflect on how you felt supported by your partner. Ask your partner if there are ways they may need to feel better supported.
3. Point of Hurt/s – Open up to your partner about something that may be a source of hurt since the last check-in. Be sure to let the partner who is sharing have the “floor” and reflect back on what you are hearing to ensure shared understanding. If you are the listener, apologize and own up to your part in the hurt. Work towards not getting defensive or trying to “fix the issue”. It’s important to fully hear your partner before diving into potential solutions.
4. Share something unshared – Similar to #3, bring up an issue that you may feel scared to bring up. This can be really hard but it’s important to share the underlying hurts or problems, as those tend to be the issues that will later develop into resentment and larger problems. If you are speaker, remember to utilize “I” statements and reframe from blaming and criticizing language. If you are listener, take in what your partner is telling you and work towards seeing it from their perspective.
5. Intimacy Check-In – Tell one another things you liked since the last check-in and also if there were things you would like more of. Try to stay curious with your partner when they share their interests or desires and know that just listening, does not mean you are required to meet their need. Explore areas of compromise if you are coming up with roadblocks.
6. Look to the future – Discuss and/or plan a future event or intentional time together. Provide space to get excited about an upcoming connection.
7. Time Needs – Reflect with each other on upcoming time needs. Ask your partner if there is specific time they would like to spend together and if there is time they would like to be alone.
8. Wrap–Up – This can be one of the most important aspects of the check-in. Reflect back on what you’ve heard and learned from your partner and thank each other for sharing. If it feels good to do so, have an intimate closing to the conversation such as a hug, handhold, or kiss. This can offer a bid of connection/repair, especially if there were topics that became heated or stressful.

Reference:
Benson, K. (2021, February 3). State of the Union Meetings will strengthen your relationship: Here’s how to start yours. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/state-of-the-union-meeting-will-strengthen-your-relationship-heres-how-to-start-yours/

Most of these dynamics show up, at some point, in relationships. However, if they are commonplace in a relationship, they can be detrimental to the health and longevity of the partnership. In fact, they are so common in unhealthy relationships that they have an official name – The Four Horsemen. This label was created by the Gottman Institute, which was founded by duo John and Julie Gottman. The Gottmans are both therapists who have been working with couples for decades and have completed years of research on what makes or breaks marriages (Gottman Institute, 2023).

The Four Horsemen

• Criticism – Attacking or complaining about the core of your partner’s character. Example: “You are such a pig – you never do the dishes”.
• Contempt – Treating your partner with disrespect by doing things such as name- calling or mimicking them sarcastically. Example: “You’re an airhead for forgetting to pay our bills this month. Can you remember anything?” Contempt has been found to be the single greatest predictor of divorce (Lisitsa, 2022).
• Defensiveness – Avoiding accountability for the effect you had on your partner and making excuses for why it actually wasn’t wrong. Example: “I wouldn’t do _ if you didn’t do _ first”.
• Stonewalling – Stopping or withdrawing from engaging with your partner.
  Example: Shutting down when your partner upsets you and walking/storming off without communication.

I challenge you to think about how you may engage in one of the four horsemen within your relationships. How do you potentially play a part in the negative cycle of indulging in these dynamics? How do your current/past partners exhibit these behaviors? Once you can self-reflect and take ownership of your piece, it can be easier to address how to change and hold yourself accountable to make better choices. The Gottman Institute provides “anecdotes” to the Four Horsemen and they can look like this:

• Criticism – Instead of criticizing your partner when you are upset, try utilizing “I” statements of how you feel and then stating a positive need. For example: “I’m feeling really frustrated that you don’t pick up your dirty clothes in the bathroom. It’s hard for me to walk through there when they are on the ground. Would you be willing to put your clothes in a hamper when you remove them?”
• Contempt – Instead of attacking/insulting your partner out of hurt/anger, try to remember the positive qualities you love and cherish about them. For example: If you are feeling upset about your partners’ messiness, remind yourself that you love the creativity and passion that come from their “wild” personality. Practicing a daily share of appreciation/gratitude towards your partner can be a great way to combat getting to a place of contempt.
• Defensiveness – Instead of victimizing yourself and trying to deflect or reverse blame, try understanding your partner’s perspective from an open mind and offer an apology for any wrongdoing. For example: “I can hear your experience of me saying yes to that friend’s party without asking if you wanted to go was hurtful for you. Would it be helpful for me to check in about plans if they include both of us?”
• Stonewalling – Instead of avoiding your partner when there is conflict present, challenge yourself to stay present and name your emotional landscape. For example: “I’m feeling really activated by this argument. I need to take some space to calm down before we continue. Can we come back to this in 30 minutes?”

I hope that you are able to take these tools and equip yourself to show up as your best self in relationships with others and to provide a framework for when things may be stuck in a negative cycle. Also, please remember, we are all human and we are not perfect! We can and will make mistakes. We can also be responsible for those mistakes and continue to work to have the Four Horsemen stay in their barn and out of our partnerships.

References:
Gottman Institute. (2023). www.gottman.com.

Lisitsa, E. (2022, November 3). The Four horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, & stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved March 30, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-
defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

About the Author: Tristan (TJ) Dubovich is a marriage and family therapy intern at People House. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships.

Whether or not you enjoy reading about sex, you probably have experienced this topic at some point in your life. Have you ever gone on a date with someone, or found yourself in a long-term relationship with someone with whom you had the most amazing chemistry? Intellectually you challenge each other without triggering one another, you are that couple that people look at with envy. It’s a picture perfect relationship and we are proud to show it to our family, to our friends, even to social media. It’s almost like we created a perfect reflection of the relationship we want. However, when we get behind closed doors it might be a different story. That amazing chemistry you have with your partner is now gone due to having different sexual expressions. This might show up as one partner wanting the more romantic, lights on, let’s make love scenario, while the other wants a darker, more primal way of expression. It could also look like one partner wanting sex often, and the other partner only wanting sex occasionally. This is more commonly known as Sexual Desire Discrepancy (SSD). Does this mean that your relationship is doomed? I won’t keep you in suspense much longer, the answer is maybe.

Before we get into the factors of how we sway a maybe to a yes or no, we should first look at sexuality and the role that plays on a personal level. I could give you averages of how often people have sex, or how often people have sexual fantasies, but what would that actually do? It would create a comparison for you to live up to, and that starts a snowball effect. If you are having sex below the national average, does that make you inferior? If you’re having sex more than the national average does that make you unhealthy? As people who live in polite society we want to know that we are normal, we want to feel that we are normal. The sheer reality is that there is no normal, there is only what is appropriate and healthy for YOU. Your sexual expression might be having sex once a month, but it’s mind-blowing sex for both you and your partner. There might be another couple who has sex 5 times a week, but that sex might be lackluster. You should focus on the quality of the sex, not the quantity.

Now the quality aspect, that can be a little trickier. It’s said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it doesn’t stop there. If all of us experience food the same way, then a menu would only have two options, if sex was meant to be had only one way then we wouldn’t have so many vast categories of fantasy and erotica.

Pleasure is a beautiful, natural and subjective experience. This experience is shaped by your hardwiring, the messages you received about pleasure and tons of other factors that are unique to you.

When I say pleasure I don’t just mean receiving, I also mean giving. Let’s go back to the above statement about one partner wanting to have a romantic encounter while the other one prefers their sexual encounters to be more primal. Neither partner is in the wrong, to be honest I commend both partners for having that understanding of their own personal sexual identity. But what happens when these identities will not seemingly function together? Several things could happen. As humans, we’d like to think it’s not us and we play the blame game. Spoiler alert; the blame game has no winners. Other times, we understand how much our partner means to us and we want to give empathy, so we put our own sexual expression and desires on hold to accommodate the other person. While I firmly believe this approach is beautiful and romantic, it often creates more problems than solutions. Suppressing our desire (or going past our comfort zone) to match someone else’s sexual rhythm creates a pressure cooker and over time the microaggressions will blow the lid right off.

People often think that a relationship consists of only two entities, Partner A and Partner B (unless you’re in an open/poly/ENM relationship). In actuality there are three entities in a relationship, Partner A, Partner B, and the Relationship itself. Who we are and how we approach our partner creates the Relationship entity. Remember, you and your partner chose each other because you appreciate who the person is. Not who they could be, not a romanticized idea in your head of who they should be, but who they actually are, this includes their sexual habits. If you and your partner can’t agree on the frequency of how often sex should happen, there are ways to make both parties happy. It might mean compromise, where you have sex only once a week, but there are tools to make that one night of sex amazing.

If one partner leans more towards kink and the other one leads more toward vanilla it might seem like a problem, but it’s actually not. We often think relationships have to have a perfect matching energy, and while that might be great for some people, it won’t give growth. When different energies are intentionally combined it can create a synergy, one that exists in the space of two separate entities. This space will give rise to growth and pleasure. Every sexual act, sexual desire, or sexual fantasy that you enjoy is just the tip of the iceberg, underneath the surface lies an emotion that is evoked with a desire or act. Understanding what you get out of that activity (or fantasy), gives a greater glimpse into yourself. Often, that emotional need can be replicated in other ways. Ways that both you and your partner can find pleasurable. Do you like to be tied up? Have you thought about what that scene gives you? Maybe it’s the feeling of the rope? Maybe it’s the safety you have with your partner that elevates the experience for you.

The above solutions can sway the maybe to a yes, but the solutions are also challenging, which can sway the answer to a no. Make no mistake, the solutions are work. Anything that is worth developing takes work.

It might be so complex that opening the relationship, poly and ethical non-monogamy are on the table, but if you want the relationship monogamous, then both partners will need to look inward and find a better understanding of why you like what you like, and then bring it back to your partner to find coexistence. Speaking with your partner about sex can leave both parties vulnerable (even if you talk about EVERYTHING else). If these vulnerable conversations are not done correctly neither partner will open up and the relationship as a whole suffers.

Trauma and stress can also play a huge part in sexual expression/frequency. Sex isn’t just procreating. It’s a space of erotic abandonment. To find this place, you have to feel safe to be free. Stress and trauma can make you want to go to this place, but they can also make you not feel safe, which can close you off.

No matter what circumstance is coming up for you; talking with someone can help you identify the cause of the sexual concern. If you are experiencing SSD, reach out to a sex coach or a sex therapist to get a better understanding of where the problem is, and then work together to create the ideal relationship where both you and your partner can flourish together. Sometimes, a couple will have to let the relationship go because of the differences. That isn’t always a bad thing. Going through this gives you a greater understanding of who you are and what you want your future relationship to look like.

I encourage anyone reading this post to reach out to me with any questions about sexual health. These posts are often made at the suggestion of clients. If you have a topic you would like to see explored you are welcome to reach out. www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com/ask-a-sex-coach

About the Author: Rick Garcia (he/him) is the owner of Cannabased Coaching & Wellness. Rick started his career in the healing arts as a licensed massage therapist in 2005. Looking for a shift he transitioned to HIV prevention and has worked in sexual health for 11 years. Realizing the gap in sexual health and sexual fulfillment Rick became a certified sex coach and sexologist so that he could help people explore their ideal sexual self while remaining as safe as possible. His sex coaching services are holistic and combine elements such as talk, somatic exercises, the MEBES model, cannabis and a variety of other modalities. When his wellness center opened he decided to have another arm available for massage therapy. To learn more about Rick’s services please visit www.cannabasedcoachingandwellness.com or contact him at cannabasedcoachingandwellness@gmail.com.

The dance of how to do this well may come naturally, but for others, it may take some practice to learn how to communicate our thoughts and feelings, hear our partners’ thoughts and feelings, and navigate compromise when those desires don’t align.

For example, have you ever felt that the more you seek an answer from your partner, the more they pull away? Or, the more independence you seek in the relationship, the more your partner wants your attention? This may be due to a pattern occurring from differing attachment styles. As described by The Attachment Project, all of us have a certain attachment style and they fall into one of four categories: Anxious, Avoidant, Disorganized Avoidant, or Secure.

Anxious attachment is when a person has high levels of anxiety, and the person may often seek approval or responsiveness from a partner, with a strong fear of abandonment, and safety is the priority. Avoidant attachment is when a person is usually seen as highly independent and feels they don’t need to rely on others – leading to avoidance in emotional closeness. Disorganized Avoidant is when a person seeks intimacy but is fearful of intimacy at the same time. It may show up as an inability to regulate emotions and can avoid strong emotional attachment. Lastly, Secure attachment is when an individual can express emotions comfortably and can rely on their partners as well as be relied on. While we all might exhibit these traits in one way or another, our attachments may look different depending on the person or situation – these attachments are not necessarily static.

These types were developed out of attachment theory, developed by J. Bowlby and M.S. Ainsworth in the mid-1900s. The Attachment Project further states the theory that the relationships you have with your early caregivers will set up how you will engage in relationships throughout your life. Figuring out your attachment style, as well as your significant other’s, can lead to a better understanding of how you both communicate and relate to one another. If you’d like to learn more, I recommend reading Wired for Dating or Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin. He dives into each attachment style and how to utilize that understanding to build a more loving, trusting relationship with your partner or yourself.

In my blog series of Relationship Refreshers, I will dive into more topics that affect most, if not all, couples and some tips on how to improve your skills and have a more fulfilling relationship.

“I’m not telling you it will be easy – I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it” – Art Williams.

References:

Tatkin, S. (2016). Wired for dating: How understanding neurobiology and attachment style can help you find your ideal mate. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain can help you defuse conflicts and Spark Intimacy. New Harbinger Publications.

The Attachment Project. (2022, September 12). Attachment styles and their role in adult relationships. Retrieved December 9, 2022, from https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-
styles/#:~:text=There%20are%20four%20adult%20attachment,Secure

About the Author: Tristan (TJ) Dubovich is a marriage and family therapy intern at People House. TJ works with individuals, couples, and families in a solution-focused and collaborative approach. He enjoys working with folks from a variety of backgrounds – especially those in the LGBTQIA community, those in life transitions, and couples looking to improve their relationships.